All That Is Left Of Us. Catherine Miller
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on Saturday. We always go to the zoo.’ She said it automatically. It was their usual routine and Archie needed the structure their week provided.
‘Great. That would be the perfect place to meet up. I was looking into getting an annual pass as some of my friends mentioned it would be well worth the money while I’m on maternity leave. I might as well get one and that can be our regular hangout.’
Regular hangout. There would be no mother and baby gatherings in Dawn’s future and she needed to explain why. She just wasn’t sure how.
‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now. Not until after I’ve had the baby.’
‘Well, in that case, contact me once you’ve given birth. We’ll organise something then.’
With any luck, Caitlin would forget about any idea of a happy reunion and she wouldn’t ever have to.
When the phone call was over, and with David and Rebekah nowhere in sight, Dawn decided the only thing for it was a second slice of cake. It would help rid her of the sense of dread filling her stomach. Telling Caitlin she was a surrogate would be simple. It was clearing up the past that would be problematic.
The following Saturday, like most others, was a tranquil sea of calm. Dawn relished them. Because Archie was so desperate to go to the zoo, he always behaved impeccably over breakfast. He was up and dressed and raring to go with none of the school-day struggles.
She’d wondered whether she would make it to today, but Junior was showing no signs of shifting. The week had seen her achieve at least two tasks from her things to do list and Rebekah and David had been too busy installing everything they’d purchased to hassle her too much other than the daily question of: Any sign of Junior yet?
It meant today was as calm as it could be. As soon as they got there they both took up residence in their usual spots. Archie, with his notepad, sat cross-legged on the ground and, even though it looked uncomfortable, he wouldn’t move from that spot for the next hour. The bench she parked her oversized derriere on couldn’t be much more comfortable than the ground, not that she’d tried sitting like Archie. If she did she would never get up. If her memory served her right, this bench had always been this hard against her bum. Or it could be the fact she had two-fifths of a baby’s head engaged in her pelvis, whatever that meant. When she’d been pregnant with Archie she was still in shock and too young to understand some of the medical talk. This time she was paying more attention, but it still baffled her.
Dawn tilted her pelvis back attempting to get more comfortable, but not really succeeding. She really did need to start bringing some cushions for both of them. Taking her sketchpad from her handbag, she tried to relax.
When they’d first come here and started doing this, Dawn would try to join in and help Archie. He liked to do a headcount of all the meerkat family to check they were all okay and, as the weeks went on, he was able to pick out each of the members individually whereas she was unable to tell the difference. Every meerkat looked the same to her. So when Dawn mistook Geoffrey for Elvis the upset made her realise this was Archie’s thing. Something for him just to appreciate and adore at a level she would be hard-pushed to follow.
So the weekend after the Geoffrey is not Elvis saga, Dawn took a step back. She watched from the bench just across from him. He did his headcount of the family as usual, then took a note of each of them, meticulously keeping a record of what each meerkat was up to that particular Saturday. At the end of Archie’s study, he would come to her and file away his findings in her handbag, ready for the next week. It was an altogether happier arrangement for both of them and, as the weeks went on, Dawn felt reassured enough to bring her sketchpad along to jot down rough designs and ideas so they were both occupied.
Glancing over at him now, his gangly limbs similar to her own, Dawn could tell he was making a note of which meerkats had eaten, who’d scrapped with who and who’d taken their turn at lookout. She doubted the zoo kept such thorough records as the ones her son did. If they were ever in need of a backup, the bookcase of notepads Archie had would certainly help.
Someone sat next to her on the bench. Why was it, when the zoo was full of places to sit, someone would choose to come and park next to her?
‘Not popped yet, then?’
Dawn turned to see who was talking. It was Caitlin, her husband in the distance, rocking their pram.
‘You can’t be here.’ The words escaped before she was able to stop them. She didn’t want to connect the past with the present. There were good reasons for keeping Archie’s father a secret and she didn’t want to introduce anyone who might connect the dots.
‘Pardon?’
‘Sorry.’ She’d not meant to come across as rude. ‘It’s just my son has a hard time meeting new people and being out of routine.’
Dawn watched Caitlin catch sight of Archie in the distance, just as Dawn had easily spotted Caitlin’s husband.
‘Should I go?’
‘He just needs his routine.’ Dawn didn’t know how to explain it without giving an actual demonstration of why it was best to stick to Archie’s boundaries.
‘I’ll go then.’
This wasn’t how she’d wanted this to happen, but then she’d been caught unawares. She should never have mentioned the fact they came to the zoo. ‘He’s normally better if he knows when he’s going to meet new people. Maybe after the baby we can sort something out.’
Out of the corner of Dawn’s eye she saw Archie stop his note-taking to get up and speak to the keeper, contradicting everything she was saying about meeting new people.
‘I’ll be in touch another time, then?’ Caitlin got up to leave.
‘Another time,’ Dawn said, too distracted by Archie’s interaction with someone she didn’t know to focus on any goodbyes with Caitlin.
The keeper was new. This was only the third time she’d seen him and, for all her talk of him not taking to change, Archie appeared to be happily chatting to this guy. Caitlin would think she’d made up what she’d said as an excuse.
She hoped she hadn’t come across as rude. She was too busy concentrating on Archie as he had a tic. It was all it took for her to know he might be irritated and any second now she might have to intervene. Archie freaking out was never a pretty sight.
Somehow, rather than go into meltdown, Archie was now opening his notepad and showing the keeper, obviously giving him a rundown of everything he needed to know. If Archie was happy to share his notes, the keeper was likely to be stuck there for some time.
Dawn attempted to get back to the sketch she hadn’t started, but really she was keeping a close eye on what was happening. Archie was pointing into the enclosure, then referring to his book, the keeper concentrating on every detail. The knowledge Archie was sharing was as in-depth as any zoologist’s. She was glad to see someone might be finding that information useful.
Archie was only halfway through the notebook and, as he seemed so happy with a captivated audience, it would be a shame to ruin the moment, so she left them to it for a while longer.
As the bench became more and more uncomfortable, Dawn decided to get up for a stretch and waddled in Archie’s direction to check he was okay. Or if the keeper needed to escape.
‘Gosh, that bench is uncomfortable,’ Dawn said, as a way of interrupting their chatter.
‘This is my mum,’ Archie introduced her. ‘She can’t tell who any of them are.’
‘Well, it is pretty complicated. Hi there!’ The keeper waved. He must have been around forty and was a tad old to be sporting dreadlocks, but he seemed friendly enough.
‘Mum is going to have a baby, but we can’t keep it.’
It