It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life. Greg Behrendt
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like the throngs of emails and letters we get complaining about the state of dating then you know that for most men you encounter, dating is something they only have to do if they can’t get away with hanging out under less formal circumstances (or they can’t get you to fool around with them at the bar). It’s probably the single most frustrating thing we hear about in all of our varied “What’s the deal with men?” conversations. The deal is that THEY FOLLOW YOUR LEAD. That means if you give them the easy way out, that’s what they’ll take.
It’s important to recognize that while you can change the way a man dresses, you can’t change the way he approaches dating. You can only inspire him to want to change that for himself so that he gets to spend time with you. The thing you determine is the value of your time, the value of your company and how you date. Those are the only things you are in complete control of, but that’s enough to turn the tide. Think about it … it’s only when you set the value of your time low and you agree to non-dates that they can exist for you. However, if you maintain a high standard for how you date and you don’t accept the premise of quasi-dating, non-dating and hanging out then you leave him with only two choices: to ask you out on a proper date or to do without your company. And if he chooses the latter then you’re better off anyway because getting to spend time with you is a gigantic prize.
People need to start dating again and not participate in the non-dating if they want to find a real relationship rather than someone to have confusing sex with. “But how do I date amongst all the confusing confusion of dating?” We’re glad you asked, because there is a definite right and wrong way to date and if you want to get good results you have to start dating smarter and better. There’s a reason why you’re not having success: it’s because what you’re doing isn’t working for you. It’s time to change your game. “But I don’t like playing games. Dating should not be about game playing.” Yeah, yeah … We’ve heard it. The reality is that there is a game to be played when dating and it’s called RESTRAINT. Quite frankly, when you reject that idea you yourself are playing your own game. It’s a game of refusing to look at human nature and the things you already know about friendships, work, eating and every other thing in life where you take the time to responsibly think to yourself, “I need to do this right. There’s an order in which everything happens. If I mess with the order the whole thing will fall apart.” Why would you single out dating as the place to say, “Ah, f*#k the order! I’m not going in order. I’m going to just tell them now that I love them, blow them in the bathroom (or whatever impulsive thing that you know you shouldn’t do), because that will either make him want t o be with me more or bail but at least I’ll know now!” It makes no sense. You don’t walk into a job interview and ask where your desk is. You don’t make a new friend then, after week one, tattoo their name on your neck. You don’t eat shitty all week and wonder why your pants don’t fit. Do you see where we’re going with this? There’s an order to things and dating is no exception.
So what we’ve devised is a set of guidelines, or rather Super Extraordinary Guidelines For Ultra-Successful Winner Dating™. These are the key to turning your dating life around and setting the new standard for HOW you date. Like we stated earlier, you get to determine the value of your time, the value of your company and, most importantly, how you date and how you absolutely do not date. Grab a fork and dig in, sister, because you’ve got some dating to do!
Here’s a preview of what dazzling principles you’re going to have drilled into that pretty little head of yours.
The 8 Principles of dating success:
Like yourself and know you’re worthy Start with giving your thighs a break. Why can’t you just like them for once after all these years they’ve supported you?
Get a life, have a life … … and don’t throw it away when every Tom, Dick and Agnes comes along.
Pretty is as pretty does Get real about what you’re putting out into the world.
Don’t accept less than an actual date Seriously. Stop hooking up with bozos when you’re drunk.
Don’t freak people out with your need Crazy + Sexy doesn’t always = Cool
Doormats finish last and end up in the dirt Have some standards and ditch the deal breakers.
Don’t show the movie before the trailer Make sex an event, not a given.
HERE’S THE DEAL …
It’s Just A F*#king Date! It’s a philosophy and an attitude all rolled up into one great big package. It’s the difference between expecting something to happen and being surprised when it does. It’s letting go of the whole process but not letting go of you. There are things in life you can change. Your weight, your appearance, your mindset, etc. … but there is one thing you cannot change and that is other people. Try as we might we cannot get people to love us. Even when we are the coolest, best version of ourselves someone is going to say, “Not for me.” But if we feel good about ourselves we shrug it off and say, “It’s Just A F*#king Date” and know that there will be others.
When you really want something and you’re doing everything you can to make it happen and it’s not coming to fruition, you have to let go of the result and do the work anyway. You can’t live inside of a result because it will always disappoint. But if you work towards the goal and let go of the result then you’ll not only get what you wanted but will probably get something that’s better and different than how you had imagined it. That’s how life works. Life comes in a different package than you expected it to. The same goes for dating. You need to show up and see what happens. Well now, that doesn’t sound so hard—but in fact it is.
This book is going to demand two things from you that may seem to conflict. We are going to ask that you be vigilant in your attempts to better yourself AND not take dating so damn seriously. “So does that mean I have to get all dressed up and try even if I’m not supposed to care about what happens?” Exactly. And you’ll be a better person for it.
So pull it together woman, and let’s get ready to date!
principle #1: like yourself and know you’re worthy
Find Your Inner Cheerleader, Rock Star, Physicist And Some Self-Esteem
Last year this woman in her mid-twenties came to us because she was having terrible luck dating. She hadn’t had a boyfriend or decent date since high school and couldn’t get arrested by a single dude much less get one to ask her out and pay for dinner. She was cute, had a good personality, definitely had some sex appeal but it was as if she had actually been deflated. Her whole energy was sad and dejected. She said, “If I had known that high school was going to be the best it was going to get for me, I would have enjoyed it more or nailed down a guy for the future.” She really thought it was over for her at the age of 26. We asked her what was different in high school? Why did she think she peaked romantically then? She thought about it and responded that she had been a cheerleader in high school. She was happy, popular with a lot of different social groups, was lusted after by teenage boys, celebrated by the football team, got special privileges during school to do cheerleader things like decorate the jocks’ lockers,