It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life. Greg Behrendt
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did was the excellent service of not marrying you when he recognized that he wasn’t in love with you. Despite what may have been in the past, things change and it sucks. However it also means that you were released to move on to your next great thing but you are holding up the bus by blaming yourself, sinking your self-esteem and being an all-round bummer. The only thing wrong with you is that you can’t see your value and that’s going to take some work, possibly even counseling, but it’s time to revisit the girl you were when you were at your best. Possibly right before you met the wedding smasher. Hang in there Hot Stuff, your story ain’t over yet.
But What If I Can’t Rebuild My Self-Esteem?
Dear Greg,
My last boyfriend cheated on me with some girl from his office. The boyfriend before that cheated on me with a mutual friend and the boyfriend I had before that was just an asshole. I don’t know why, but I stayed with all of these men for long after I had identified their problems. I don’t know how to rebuild my self-esteem after so many blows to the ego.
Claire
Minneapolis, MN
Dear Loser Magnet,
Holy smokes! You do have the winning ticket to the loser lotto. Do you know the phrase “Water seeks it’s own level”? The same goes for losers. That doesn’t mean that I’m calling you a loser but what I am saying is that you are comfortable with them and you allow them to be the losers they are in your company. What that does mean is that there’s something in your mechanics that tells you that you don’t deserve better than this and whatever that is needs a fixing. To rebuild your self-esteem you need to surround yourself with people that make you feel good and bring out the best in you, take care of your well-being without exception and line up some tiny victories. It’s only when you get to the place where you think you’re worthy of a good relationship that you’ll find one. So kick the losers to the curb and get some help for whatever’s ailing your self-worth.
But What If I Do Like Myself?
Dear Greg,
I’m 42 years old, I own my own company, I have a lot of great friends, a great relationship with my family and I’ve lost over a hundred pounds in the past year so I’m in fantastic shape for the first time in my life. In other words I’m not f@#ked up. But I’m starting to feel like I’m going to spend my life alone. I go to clubs, bars, cocktail parties, dog parks, you name it but no one seems to notice me and I can’t get asked out. What do I do? I’m really lost in this part of my life.
Anika
Ft Lauderdale, FL
Dear Weighed Down,
Firstly, congratulations on doing so many things right in your life and taking control of your health and weight. Bravo to you. Here’s what I think is happening, you’re used to being overweight and probably have been overweight your whole life. So even though you like yourself and have shed the extra pounds you still feel like the fat girl and probably carry yourself as such. That means you’re projecting old ideas about yourself onto the new you and taking those out into the world and people respond thusly. People aren’t noticing you because you don’t feel noteworthy still. So let’s stop that business right now because you didn’t do all of that work to lose. If it means standing in front of the mirror every day or leaving yourself a voice message that says, “I am now a new person, have you seen my butt?” then do it, because like every person reading this you’re great and you deserve to be in a great relationship, but it will only happen not only if you like yourself and feel worthy of it but also project that out into the world as well.
But What If There’s Nothing To Like?
Dear Greg,
What’s wrong with me, why can’t I catch a break? I always get “downsized” at jobs, dumped after the first date or completely overlooked because my best friend is prettier than me. I’m the person that has to be thankful for bad luck otherwise I’d have no luck at all. Now there’s this guy who I really like and he only knows me as the girl who dropped her new phone in the toilet at work. Why would he even like me much less want to go out with me? For once I just wish something good would happen to the girl standing next to the pretty girl.
Florence
Quebec, Canada
Hey Flo,
Hard on yourself much? Look, being clumsy is fine, in fact it can be cute, but being clumsy or having bad luck is not your problem. You’re treading water in a personal crisis because don’t even kind of like yourself or think you deserve good things. If you’re running for the title in the Miss Victim Of Her Own Life you definitely have a good shot but I’d suggest you step down from that pageant and try to get involved in the Miss I Like Myself competition. And by the way, who cares if your best friend is prettier than you and why is it that you like her better than you like yourself? If you want anyone including the guy at work to like you, you have to start liking yourself first. As for the catching a break part, you have to make your own breaks and optimize those before the universe will start dropping them at your feet. So next time you drop your mobile phone down the toilet just turn to the guy you like at work and playfully say, “Which do you think is hotter, that I dropped my phone in the toilet or that I went in after it?” Or “I’d offer you my phone so you can call my voicemail to ask me out but it’s on vacation in the ladies’ room.” Be confident, have a sense of humor about life’s little trials and see if you can’t give yourself a break!
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE
But What If It’s Not Me It’s Them?
Dear Greg,
Women never like me so dating sucks. I’m the assistant manager of a small women’s boutique so I’m around women all the time and I overhear their conversations about men. You should hear the load of crap they say. They talk about not caring if guys have money and just wanting to be taken out on a real date. And then in the next sentence they talk about their expensive dates with the guys with money going to a fancy restaurant in town. They’re all phonies. Where’s the girl who is going to be super excited to go out for McRibbs with me in my Honda when she could be out with some guy with money and a cool car? Seriously f*#k it.
Brad
Fargo, ND