It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life. Greg Behrendt
Читать онлайн книгу.
Confidence is also high on our list because it can almost completely make up for any shortcomings a person has in the looks department. Then there are things like personal style, work ethic (yes, contrary to popular belief some men like a woman they have to compete with), religious beliefs and favorite bands. But my note to you ladies is, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Finding out what we like won’t help you unless you like it too. If you want to be in a great relationship then I suggest having a great relationship with yourself. We are only going to like you if you like you, and if you don’t we can tell. And some of us will prey on those weaknesses for our own pleasure. Do I have to explain or do you get it? When you compromise your values or your needs for our pleasure or attention we will always sense it and eventually leave. It works both ways. Anytime I ever gave up who I was to procure sex or attention it always ended badly (see It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken for further details). The only reason a person compromises themselves is because they don’t feel strongly enough about themselves and are looking for another person to fix it for them either sexually or emotionally. That’s why it is imperative that you get to a place where you like yourself even if just for the added bonus of weeding out the creeps.
Sexy beats cute, smart takes sexy, funny wins the pot … and confidence body-slams them all.
WORST DATE EVER
I never understood what I was doing wrong on dates until I went on a date with myself. Let me explain. About a year ago I met this guy on a chair-lift skiing in Lake Tahoe. It was a long ride and on it I learned that he lived in San Francisco like I did. He asked me out or rather hinted that he would like to ask me out but he said he was too shy. I thought it was a kind of a cute way of asking/not asking me out. I know how you guys feel about that stuff but he was really cute so I helped him ask me out and we went on a date. It was the worst date I’d ever been on. We had dinner at this really nice restaurant in the Embarcadero in San Francisco. It was all going okay but he was very down and hesitant about things and everything he said about himself was negative like, “I don’t know, I’m not really that smart” “I used to be fit but now I’m in terrible shape” “My life’s not really that interesting” or “You’re probably used to dating better looking guys.” Here he was this handsome skier with a great job in real estate and all he could do was tell me what a loser he was while putting away drink after drink and getting more and more depressed. It bugged me a lot but then I finally realized that it bothered me because I had been guilty of doing the same thing for as long as I could remember. Constantly selling myself short, putting myself down for God knows what reason and falling apart on dates. You know what I found out? It’s a big turn-off. No one wants to date a conceited ass but who wants to date the person that thinks so little of himself? It was the very first time in my life that I realized that I’m a beautiful skier with a great job and despite what I’ve spent years telling date after date after date, I’m kind of a catch. I didn’t see him again but I did see me and what a terrible date I had been for the first time, so the date wasn’t a total loss.
IT’s JUST YOUR F*#KING HAPPINESS
Your happiness is the most important thing in this life. If you are not happy you are of no use to anyone else. Look, no one is happy all the time but if you are at least in the pursuit of happiness then that is what ultimately will make you appealing to the kind of man that not only wants to stick around but is also fun to be with. The point is you have to figure out how to be happy no matter what the cost and we can tell you right here and now that happiness won’t come from another person. It will come from the tiny victories and the big goals. And ultimately if you find happiness you may find that you don’t need a man in your life, or if you do find one he is simply an addition to a life well lived.
The Original World Famous Winner Dater’s Workbook
It’s time to get serious about reclaiming your self-esteem. Whatever your personal zenith was, whatever the time in your life where you were totally ruling, winning and firing on all cylinders—that’s where the answers are to reclaiming your self-worth. That’s where your self-esteem was the highest, when you were projecting that into the universe and having the most personal success. You have to go back to the point in your life where you felt the very best about yourself and figure out how you got there, what was going on for you then that isn’t now and how to get yourself back into that space. To find a great relationship it’s imperative that you of all people believe all the best things about yourself again and figure out why those beliefs went away in the first place. Seriously, if you don’t feel them then why would anyone else be able to feel that about you?
Bust out your laptop, a notebook and cocktail napkin or whatever you can find. It’s personal inventory time. Fill in the blanks in the most specific terms you can. Let’s see if we can’t go and find the super you!
1 When was the best period in your life?
2 What was going on that made it great?
3 What was different about you then?
4 How did you feel about yourself then?
5 When did things change and what changed?
6 How do you feel about yourself now?
7 What can you actively do to get back into that space?
Let’s build on the good stuff you already have going for you
1 Why are you special?
2 What makes you different from everybody else?
3 Why are you a person of value that others should get involved with?
4 What are your best qualities?
5 What are your lovable flaws?
6 What are the tiny victories you’re going to line up for yourself?
principle #2: get a life, have a life …
And Don’t Give It Up For
Every Tom, Dick And Agnes That Comes Along
Dating someone new is always exciting. The rush of feelings you get accompanied by the desire to spend every minute together basking in the yummy gooey feelings of “first like” are awesome. It’s like you’ve entered this Utopian little existence where the two of you are in this bubble totally connected by these bursting emotions. You talk constantly, see each other daily, run home from work to get to him five minutes earlier, blow out your friends, go into work late, leave early, skip your yoga class and everything is great … until it all bites you in the ass. When you give up your life to devote all of your time and energy to a new romance you suffocate the other person. The feelings go from being “Wow, she’s amazing” to “I can’t get enough of her” to “She’s a little needy and wants to spend every second with me” to “I can’t get rid of her” to “How can I avoid her?”
You can feel the shift when someone is willing to give you all of their attention, and though at first it’s flattering, shortly thereafter it becomes burdensome. It’s those shifts that cause you to back off, or to have someone back off from you. We’ve all done it