It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life. Greg Behrendt
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wear her uniform to school on game days, etc. … It was an idyllic high school existence and now she no longer even felt like the same person and certainly wasn’t living the same kind of life.
We thought about what she was telling us, what we know of cheerleaders and it instantly became clear to us. Cheerleaders are sexy and confident, they’re kind of hot shit around the halls of high school and they carry themselves like they’re hot shit. Now she was wearing a frumpy outfit that was the antithesis of confident cheerleader, which she told us was how she dressed every day. When we asked her, “Why are you hiding that cheerleader?” it all came pouring out then. Tears streamed down her face as she admitted that she had put on some weight since high school, she didn’t like her body, she had been dumped hard by not even a good guy but a totally shitty one in her freshman year in college and she didn’t even feel like herself anymore. The truth is she didn’t like herself or feel at all worthy of having good things in her life. She no longer felt those great things about herself that she did back in high school so she didn’t carry herself out in the world with the same self-confidence or self-worth. Basically her self-esteem was completely shot. This girl needed to find her inner cheerleader—she needed to find her confidence again. And as bad as we felt for her, it was a story we have heard countless times from women of every age and we had to bring down the hammer. This is the gist of what we told Boo Hoo the Cheerleader …
Happiness is hard work. It always has been since the beginning of time. It takes diligence to continually set yourself up to win—not competitively but personally—and winning is the kindling for the brightly burning fire of self-esteem and happiness. When your self-esteem is heightened you carry yourself with more assurance, your energy is more vibrant, people respond to you more positively and you are more magnetic so you attract opportunity. Basically, you walk differently, talk differently, rock differently and in the words of the late, great Justin Timberlake you’re bringing sexy back. (To the best of our knowledge Justin Timberlake is very much alive but we just wanted to see if you were paying attention.) When your self-esteem is lessened you feel badly about yourself so you avoid things and people, your energy is heavy and sad, people are less likely to respond to you well and you repel opportunity (including prospective dates!). If you like yourself, if you love yourself, if you feel good about yourself, if you value yourself, you will feel worthy of good things and you will get good things (like a rockin’ boyfriend. Maybe even Mr. Timberlake himself).
The whole concept of winning on a personal level is simple but not necessarily easy to do. The key is to constantly put yourself in a position to feel great about you and keep out of harm’s way. This translates into stopping your bad behavior, staying away from the people that provoke your bad behavior, or people that make you feel anything less than good about yourself. Otherwise your self-esteem pays the price. Personally winning is finding a way to keep yourself in the personal space where you’re being the best you, the biggest you, the most vibrant you instead of the smallest you. That is the secret to success in anything you want to do in life. That means not comparing yourself to anyone else and concentrating on you. Because when your self-esteem is in the shitter and you don’t feel worthy you look to others for validation, you settle for crappy things and all you get is crappy things and who wants that?
Let’s break it down for a moment before we sum it up in a fancy gold-plated nutshell with rims for you. (For those of you who haven’t seen any hip-hop videos lately, “rims” are like jewelry for your car wheels—the fancy flashy bits in the middle of the tire that often spin counterclockwise or blind you with their shine and ornamentation.) You started out with so much promise with endless possibilities for what you can do with your life and who you can become. From the moment you come out of the womb, you have the potential to be anything from Mayor McCheese to running the Free World, who knows?! (By the way, the McCheese gig pays better and is much less stressful but damn is it hot in that hamburger suit.) From early on we are encouraged, applauded even for our first accomplishments, be it learning to walk, saying our first words, actually making it into our mouth with the spoonful of bananas instead of down our front. The ovation continues for you lucky ones who grow up surrounded by people that love and support you and whose greatest joy is to build you up after every foul ball, good try or embarrassing failure. The great promise that we’re talking about is simply the existence of self-esteem. When you’re older you can find it for yourself, but for many it is what you are given, brick by brick, every time you are told that you are good, the world is your oyster, you can do anything you put your mind to or you’re much prettier than your cousin Laura. (What a sea hag she is.)
So you have this self-esteem, this self-worth all stored up but then at various points along your journey to here you’ve lost some of the value you once had for yourself because that’s part of the experience of this life. That’s the rub. We all have events that reduce our self-esteem and disappointments that make us question our worth be it socially, academically, professionally or romantically. It only takes getting your heart smashed when your boyfriend dumps your for a younger girl, a leggy blonde, a sports model, your best friend, that guy from the bowling alley (you didn’t see that one coming didya?) or just simply someone else to send you into a self-esteem spiral that can last for years. Then we end up in an ongoing cycle of losing romantically because every time a relationship or even a first date doesn’t pan out you blame yourself. The thought that runs through your head is, “There must be something wrong with me because I wasn’t good enough for them to love me.” When what your thought should be is, “I’m only responsible for my half of it not his. It wasn’t a match for me because it takes both halves for it work so I’m better off for it ending now.” Do you know why that should be your thought? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO GIVE YOU YOUR VALUE! You have to do that for yourself, you CAN do it for yourself and you certainly f*#king should.
Self esteem, self-worth and confidence are something you have to constantly rebuild until you get to the place where those things can no longer be shaken from you. But these things are only are gained by a series of tiny victories that, once accumulated, start making you feel better about yourself. You can’t wait for the world to drop these opportunities in your lap, you have to go and create those victories for yourself. “How do I do that?” Easy, create small accomplishable victories that you can do on a daily basis and that you will under no circumstance deviate from. Personal hygiene is a great place to start. Every morning wash your face, Victory! Brush your teeth, Victory! Floss, Victory! See you’ve only been awake for 10 minutes and are already winning. Boom, more victories for you my friend! What we are talking about here are good choices, many of them in a row, which make you feel good about your self, thus blowing up your sagging self-esteem. Exercise, travel, find something that makes you feel great and do it—volunteer at a charity or take on a challenge that you can do. But consistency is key. Tiny victories are what will nourish you back to the promise you once had. You have to do this or some version of this every day as a way of honoring who you are and how you operate. Your unwillingness to compromise will be your greatest asset because that is what tells you and the world that you care about yourself (which we all know is a huge turn-on). Tiny victories are actually the cornerstone of almost any successful person you know, because when all else fails at least you flossed.
The key to Ultra Successful Winner Dating is that you can’t date what you are not. You will not attract great things by wishing for them, seeing a psychic or buying magic rocks. You only get Great by being Great, and Greatness takes work!
BUT GREG, I HAVE QUESTIONS
But What If I’m Not Worthy?
Dear Greg,
I was supposed to get married two Christmases ago to my boyfriend of three years but about six months before the wedding he changed his mind. He said he didn’t think he was in love with me. He’s not with anyone else but I can’t get past the idea that there’s something wrong with me. Why else would he break our engagement to be alone?
Kate
Bath, England
Dear Wedding Crashed,
It