The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder. Bonnie Kaye
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homosexuality. Most people are under the misconception that a man who is gay is effeminate and swishy, as is stereotyped in the mass media. Although this is true of some gay men, it certainly is not representative of most gay men, especially those who marry! For instance, my lack of understanding this aspect of homosexuality put my mind at rest about my ex-husband, even when others confronted me with their suspicions. He was an excellent athlete, which certainly exemplifies “machoness” at its best; therefore, how could he possibly be gay?
Sexual activity is another area that is often a giveaway. Although some gay men can certainly sexually perform with females, they are usually not over anxious about doing it. Touching a woman’s vaginal area turns them off. Performing oral sex on their wives is usually out of the question, while wanting it performed to them is a preference.
If you experience a spiraling decline in sexual activity within the first few years together, it is a warning signal. All marriages have their ups and downs sexually that are caused by financial, emotional, family, and stress related problems. However, once the problems are resolved, the sexual activity picks up. Sexual activity in straight men is a common, normal practice. Even if the romance and passion has gone out of the marriage, the need for sexual release is still there. In straight/gay marriages, the decline continues regardless of the other surrounding circumstances because the husband’s need for sex is not with a woman but rather with a man.
In a straight/gay relationship, the woman often finds herself the more sexually aggressive partner. This is because the gay spouse is not particularly interested in having sex. If left up to him, sex is only performed as often as necessary to keep the premise going that he is “normal.” This is not to say that a gay man cannot be satisfied or achieve an orgasm from sex with his spouse; however, this is not his preference. His enjoyment is based on emotional needs, not sexual ones.
I have spoken to women who have asked me about behavior patterns that I find to be cause for alarm. This is my checklist:
1. NORMAL SEXUAL APPETITE
If your sexual needs fall into the realm of “normal” without excessiveness, but your husband tries to make you think that you are a nymphomaniac, you have a problem. To a gay man, normal sexual practices are definitely excessive. In my marriage, which was typical of others in this situation, my husband demeaned me for being “too pushy or too aggressive” by wanting to make love with him. I didn’t have excessive sexual needs, but rather I had the normal needs of most women. I would have been happy to have sexual relations twice a week during the first few years of my marriage, but that was too much for my husband. After our first year of marriage, he “performed” once a month for my benefit and it was very empty sex. As much as he pretended to enjoy being with me, I knew that he didn’t.
This made me feel as if I wasn’t a worthy lover and took the joy out of it for me as well. No woman wants to feel that she cannot please or satisfy her husband. It makes you feel inadequate and flows over to other parts of your life. And no woman wants to feel as if her husband is doing her a favor by making love to her. It is humiliating and embarrassing.
A gay man will do everything to discourage you when it comes to making love. He will come up with more excuses than women who are accused of doing this to avoid sex. Sexual rejection starts stripping away who you are as a woman, making you feel ashamed to want to be intimate. This is his ultimate plan—to make you stop asking for what is rightfully yours.
2. DECLINE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY EARLY IN THE MARRIAGE
If you experience a spiraling decline in sexual activity within the first few years together, this is a warning sign. All marriages have their peaks and valleys when it comes to sex. This can be caused for a variety of reasons such as financial hardship, family conflicts, emotional traumas, and stress related problems. However, once the problems are resolved, the sexual activity resumes. Sex for straight men is a common, normal practice satisfying a physical need. Even if the romance and passion has disappeared from the marriage, the need for sexual release is still there. In straight/gay marriages, the decline continues regardless of the circumstances—good or bad! This is because the husband’s need for sex is not with a woman, but rather with a man.
The sexual relationship is usually abnormal from the beginning of the relationship in the sense that the frequency is not nearly as high as a heterosexual relationship. But the gay male will try harder in the beginning due to the fear of the female questioning of his sexuality. I remember on our honeymoon how my gay husband insisted that we have sex each day, which was out of character with our usual twice a week at that point. He stated that he wanted me to always remember how wonderful our honeymoon was. He used this as a weapon against me in future arguments to convince me that he was perfectly “normal” sexually—after all, we made love every day on our honeymoon. This was his way of letting me know that if there were sexual problems in the marriage, they were due to my inadequacies, not his.
Talking about the word “honeymoon,” you need to be aware of the possibility of a tactic that can throw you off somewhere along the line. It is not uncommon when you confront your husband about your suspicions of his being gay that all of a sudden, he will be all over you once again, making you believe that it was just your imagination running away with you. This is what I call the “second honeymoon” period. Bad news--these honeymoons don’t last for long. Sometimes they’ll last a few weeks or even a few months. But the “honeymoon revisited phase” is usually over within a short amount of time. You see, after your husband lulls you into a false sense of security once again, he feels he has you back where he wants you and so his “Normal,” or shall we say, “Abnormal,” patterns creep back slowly, or sometimes quickly. But they always come back. I used to hang on to any false hope that came my way no matter how quickly it whizzed past my eyes.
Why do our gay husbands revisit the honeymoon phase? Quite simple. They fear that you now suspect or know the truth about their homosexuality and they are determined to throw you off track and start doubting yourself. They are not ready to be honest, and so they buy time. They become affectionate, attentive, and start to give you unexpected gifts. They say they are willing to work on their “sexual dysfunction.” The claim they will go for marriage counseling, and in some cases, give it a try for a few weeks or months.
And you feel good. You start believing that your suspicion about the worst possible scenario is untrue. And all those little signs that you thought were leading you in that direction were really something else. Maybe it was just a curiosity phase. Maybe your husband was having problems from medications. Maybe he does have some gay tendencies, but maybe that’s from an extra chromosome or two that have been misplaced. Maybe he’s learned his lesson by realizing that you are going to leave your marriage if you find out that he’s doing his thing.
Then you think you are so “stupid” when the second honeymoon is over and reality hits again. Please don’t apologize or feel stupid. I was lulled endless times into what I wanted to be a functioning marriage. I grasped for any sign of rebuttal from my husband and swore I could make things better if only he would work with me on it. Yes, I even had a couple of extra sexual encounters that he initiated in good faith to prove to me that our marriage would be A-okay. But how long could he fool me? He couldn’t even fool himself. He couldn’t carry out this lie indefinitely, and within a short time, things reverted to where they were—or shall I say deteriorated back to where they were—when I threw out my suspicions.
3. LACK OF SEXUAL AGRESSIVENESS BY THE HUSBAND
In a straight/gay relationship, the woman often finds herself the sexually aggressive partner. This happens because the gay spouse in not interested in having sex. If left up to him, sex is only performed as often as necessary to keep the premise going that he is “normal.” This is not to say that a gay man cannot be satisfied or achieve an orgasm from sex with his straight partner; however, it is not his preference. Clearly, whatever satisfaction a gay man achieves sexually is based on his emotional needs, not his sexual ones.
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