The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder. Bonnie Kaye
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knew that there was something different about their sexuality, even if they didn’t pinpoint their feelings as homosexual.
Q. Why would a person who knows he is gay want to marry?
A. Gay men marry for a variety of reasons. The most common reason is because they are hoping for a miracle “cure” that will make them straight. Gay men who can function sexually with women (approximately 25%) often feel that their sexual desire for men will diminish once they are married and domestically settled. Marriage provides the illusion of heterosexuality, but it is only temporary. Within a short time, the husband realizes that his sexual urges for men are just as strong as ever, and the excitement he feels for his wife can never compare to the excitement he feels about men.
Other gay men marry because they have been brought up with the same American dream as straight men—the loving wife and the children in the house with the picket fence. For younger men in their twenties and thirties, the gay world often proves frustrating or empty. This results in the American dream looking better and better, causing gay men to convince themselves that they are ready to “give up the gay life and go straight.”
Another reason gay men marry is their desire to have children. Though paternal feelings can be genuine, fatherhood also creates a safe family unit and proves one’s masculinity to the outside world.
Gay men also marry because marriage provides a cover in today’s still homophobic society. Many high-level jobs would not promote a person to a higher level if homosexuality is suspected. Marriage and the family is a perfect cover and it allays the fears of the suspicious.
The ability to sexually function with a woman prompts 20 - 25% of gay men into marriage because in this situation they can cling to the illusion that they are straight. These are the men I feel most sorry for. They are neither here nor there, fish nor fowl, caught in between two worlds, neither of which they feel completely comfortable in. In most cases, they do not find sustained happiness in their lives because of their inability to come to terms with themselves.
I have also met men who deny their homosexuality for years, even though they have regular homosexual encounters. I have questioned these men about how they can deny this side of themselves, but they honestly can’t come to terms with it. They need to believe they are straight to such a degree that they deny their gayness altogether.
Q. Since my husband can function sexually in a heterosexual manner why does he “choose” the gay lifestyle?
A. This is a statement that I often hear from straight people—”It’s his choice to be gay. He doesn’t have to be if he doesn’t want to be. After all, he’s married (or has been married) and has children!”
When you think about this statement, you’ll realize how ridiculous it is. Why would anyone “choose” to be gay? Why would someone consciously choose to be part of a world that is frequently viewed by society as deviant or perverted? Why would anyone risk losing his family, home, job, and reputation if given a choice?
I surveyed 350 gay men and asked all of them the same question: “If you could take a pill tonight that would make you straight by morning, would you take it?” I received a resounding “yes” from 337 of those surveyed. Ten of them were not sure, and three said no. The overwhelming response came not out of shame, but out of a sense of reality. The world has not accepted homosexuality, and the gay lifestyle is not an easy one. How much simpler life would be for these men, if only they were straight.
A person does not “choose” his sexuality any more than he chooses his race or height. Once someone is gay, regardless of how we can dispute how he became gay (nature vs. nurture), that is his orientation. A person can suppress or repress his sexual preference for an indefinite period of time, but eventually, in most cases, learns to come to terms with his true self.
Q. Can my husband’s homosexuality be helped through some kind of therapy?
A. No! Some men spend years of their lives and waste thousands of dollars looking for a “cure” that does not exist. There are groups such as “Homosexuals Anonymous” and the ex-gay ministries that convince gay men that they can change if their belief in God is strong enough. “Aversion therapy” is a treatment that shows films to gay men that are meant to turn them away from their inborn orientation. These tactics may cause a temporary shift in sexual practices, but they by no means change the person’s homosexual desire.
The mind is a powerful tool, and a person can talk himself into another state of mind. However, somewhere down the line, a person’s natural orientation will surface.
There are people who insist that God, therapy, or other miracles are the solution. However, I question the quality of life of someone who has to live being something he is not. Is it fair to a person to have to change his personality or orientation just to conform to the rules or beliefs of society? How happy can that person be if he can’t be himself and has to be constantly on guard to hide his natural inclinations and feelings?
Gay men who suppress their sexuality to pass in the straight world often become mentally and/or physically abusive to their wives. They blame their wives, their closest and most convenient target, for forcing them to live a lie, even when the wife is clueless to her husband’s homosexuality. Obviously, this is no way for a marriage to exist.
Q. My husband claims that he has not acted on his homosexuality for two (five, ten, etc.) years. Is it possible that he is over it?
A. A man does not “get over” his homosexuality. He may be sincere and honest in his belief that he is no longer gay, but the fact remains that a person’s sexual orientation does not change.
In an effort to save their marriage, job position, respectability, and family acceptance, some men make a valiant effort to change and repress their sexual desires for an indefinite amount of time. Eventually, those feelings surface, and the problem must be faced again.
Often, gay men who are married will tell their wives, “It’s over, I got it out of my system,” or “I’ve outgrown those feelings,” or “I was just experimenting,” or “It was just a sexual impulse, but now it’s over and I’m ready to be a good husband.” Although these words may be sincerely meant when spoken, they are not realistic. The wife is so desperate to resolve the problem that she believes and accepts these explanations. Unfortunately, it is just a temporary reprieve. Within time, the pattern will recur, and the wife will be back where she started, with more years wasted on an impossible dream.
Q. My husband insists that if I had been a better (more attractive, more supportive, less demanding, etc.) wife, he would not have turned to someone of the same sex. Is this true?
A. Absolutely not. Your husband was gay long before both of you ever met. His conscious attraction for men may not have surfaced until after your marriage, but it was there, either suppressed or denied.
Due to the difficulty of accepting homosexuality within himself, the gay husband will often blame his wife for his sexual orientation. This practice of shifting blame is one of the ways wives of gay men become mentally beaten down and lose their self-esteem. What can be more psychologically damaging than thinking you are responsible for your husband’s turning to other men? This head game is usually quite successful because most women don’t understand homosexuality. They think that just because their husbands married them and that they had sex that produced children, they are straight.
All of a sudden, it “appears” as if the husband is losing his sexual desire for his wife, as his desire for men is increasing. What the wife doesn’t know is that her husband’s need for men was always greater than his need for her, and that his sexual desire for his wife was much more emotional than physical.
Ironically, if there is a common personality trait among wives of gay men, it is the fact that they are usually more supportive and