The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder. Bonnie Kaye
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our son, Alex, was born in June of 1982, we were in a state of financial disaster. Our business was quickly going bankrupt, and there was virtually no cash flow coming in. This put additional strain on our marriage, making each day unbearable. I still had moments when strong feelings of love would surface, but they quickly faded underneath my stronger feelings of resentment and hatred. I also despised myself for being too weak to take any positive action. Michael and I had little communication except when we had to discuss something about the children or the business. Most of our conversations were in the form of an argument.
Our marriage had become one of existence—there was no tenderness, intimacy, laughter, or friendship. Our sex life was non-existent, which was fine with me. There was no way I could be aroused by a man who was making my life a living hell. I started to fantasize about ways to kill Michael because I didn’t see any way out of the marriage if he was alive. Although it is easy for others to judge a situation and say “walk away,” for the person living it day to day, it is never that simple.
Three months after Alex was born, and two weeks before our fourth anniversary, things came to a head. One evening when Michael went to sleep, I saw his wallet sitting on the kitchen table. There was a lined piece of paper conspicuously sticking out. I removed it. When I opened the paper, I saw it was a letter and my eyes immediately skipped down to the signature, which read, “Love, Jimmy.” As I went to the top, I read the words that gave me the proof I’d been waiting for. The letter stated that Jimmy still loved Michael even though he had chosen to stay in the marriage. There were two recent occasions mentioned when the two of them had been together even though Michael swore to me that he had never heard from Jimmy again.
After reading the letter, I ran to the bathroom to vomit. When I finished, I woke Michael up and confronted him with the letter. He became enraged and shouted that I had no business reading his private mail, and he was sick of my invasion of his privacy. I told him that I was not giving in this time. He could no longer continue to lie to me and expect me to accept it. He claimed nothing had happened between him and Jimmy, and their encounters had been only by chance. I wanted to believe him, but I could no longer live in a state of denial.
For the next two weeks, we fought constantly, calling each other terrible names and making terrible accusations. Finally, after one very heated argument, Michael packed his bags and left for New York. The marriage was over.
Michael returned a week later with his suitcases in hand, knocking at the door. He decided “to give me one more chance.” By this time, it was too late. During the one week of his absence, my mental strength had returned, and I told him that he was not welcome back. Michael was in shock and didn’t believe it. He asked me if I was willing to break up a family for my own selfish reasons, and I said, “Yes, yes, yes!”
QUESTIONS MOST ASKED BY STRAIGHT WIVESABOUT THEIR GAY HUSBANDS
During the last 25 years, I have counseled over 35,000 women who either are or have been married to gay men. I have compiled a list of the questions that are most commonly asked. After reading the answers, you will gain a better insight into the situation.
Q. What is your definition of a “gay” man?
A. I define a man as gay if he fits into any of these categories:
a. He is presently engaging in extramarital relations with another male.
b. He has had sex with a male since his marriage, assuming he had no previous sexual contact with males prior to the marriage.
c. He was involved in a gay relationship prior to the time of marriage other than an adolescent experimentation.
d. He has not yet acted on his feelings; however, he is discussing the desire to engage in homosexual behavior.
e. He is sexually aroused by gay porno or websites.
It is not uncommon for males to experiment sexually with other males at some point in their lives, usually during adolescence. If, however, this need for “experimentation” develops at a later age, it does not necessarily denote homosexuality.
After one homosexual encounter, a male may still be confused about his sexual orientation. Perhaps he was nervous and this inhibited his enjoyment. However, by the second or third time, he should have an idea of whether or not gay sex is gratifying or enjoyable for him. By the fourth or fifth encounter, it is no longer an experiment, but rather a preference.
Married men who suddenly express a desire to try gay sex may have been suppressing their needs until that time. That desire was always present even if it had not been acted on. Those men were hoping that marriage would be the “miracle cure” that would make them “normal,” but looking back they admit those feelings of attraction for men were always present.
Q. My husband still has sexual relations with me. Doesn’t that make him bisexual, rather than gay?
A. Bisexuality is a controversial issue, and there are numerous definitions of this word. I have yet to meet the man who is truly bisexual in the sense that he does not have a sexual preference.
Just because a gay man has sexual relations with a woman, that in and of itself does not mean that he is bisexual. It means that he can perform heterosexual sex. Some men perform out of duty, others out of an emotional need, and still others because they need a sexual release and their wives are handy. These men can complete sex, orgasm (sometimes), and a few even feel satisfied, but they still prefer to have sex with a male partner.
Often, the gay husband and the straight wife use the term “bisexual” because it is easier to deal with emotionally. It is more acceptable in our homophobic society and justifies a reason for keeping a marriage together. It is difficult for both partners to come to terms with homosexuality, and the classification of “bisexual” postpones the inevitable of dealing with the issue. I address the issue of bisexuality in a later chapter in this book.
Q. Why is my husband gay?
A. There are various theories about why a person is gay, but none has been proven completely. Some say genetics, while others say environmental factors. I believe that homosexuality is determined before birth. I have seen families where there are five children and one is gay, or four children and two are gay. If environment is the main factor, why aren’t all of the children gay?
Some people say that homosexuality is caused by a domineering mother and a passive father, claiming the father is a poor role model. Others say this occurs in families where the mother is passive and the father is aggressive and a poor role model. Almost everyone has one of these parent combinations, and yet, most of society is not homosexual. Although environment may have some effect, it is unlikely to determine a person’s sexual preference.
An example that challenges the environmental theory focuses on men who are in prisons. It is common for men who are straight to participate in gay sex while they are confined for a long period of time with no access to women, even though they had never considered homosexual relations prior to imprisonment. When these men are released from prison, they resume sexual relations with women without giving a thought to returning to gay sex. Even though they actively participated in homosexuality for long periods of time because of environmental factors, their basic sexual instincts did not change.
Q. Didn’t my husband know he was gay before he got married?
A. Chances are he did know something was different, but like you, he was misinformed. He thought that as long as he could “perform” with a woman, he was or really could be straight. He may have had one or more gay encounters with little success and/or lots of guilt and concluded that the straight world was where he belonged.
I have met gay men who insisted they