The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder. Bonnie Kaye
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of time to deal with it.
Q. If my husband is gay, is there any greater chance that my child or children will be gay?
A. This is a difficult question to answer because there is not enough scientific information on this. Statistically, it is said that 10% of the general population is gay. From several limited studies that I have seen over the years, statistics state that the number of children born gay with one gay parent is between 10% and 18%. It is not unusual for children of gay parents to question their sexuality more frequently than other children. Whether or not this is cause for concern has not been scientifically researched enough to make any concrete conclusions. However, if you believe the theory as I do about homosexuality being genetic, it would only follow that the chances of having a gay child are definitely higher.
Q. In desperately trying to keep my marriage together, I have tried to be open minded by reading books about homosexuality, going to gay bars, and going to meetings with other couples in the same situation. After a year of trying to relate, I am less comfortable than ever and thinking of divorce. Do you think I need more time to adjust or that I am not open minded enough?
A. It is not uncommon for some women to do everything possible to try to understand their husbands’ homosexual world, including being part of it. During the first year that I started my support group, I spent a significant amount of time learning about the gay community. I felt it was unfair to talk about gay issues unless I understood what they were really about.
After a year of “relating,” I removed myself from the gay scene because I found myself getting depressed. I was constantly reminded of the horrors of my own marriage, and I kept reliving parts of my nightmare every time I went into a gay club or meeting. Although I did gain a valuable education about gay lifestyles, mentalities, and values, my advice to women who think that joining in on their husbands’ lifestyle may help their marriage is: don’t do it!
The more time you spend in this world that is not yours, the more confused, depressed, and demoralized you will become. There is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about homosexuality—especially when it is part of your marriage! No matter how open and accepting we are of others and what they choose to do in their lives, the situation becomes quite different once it is forced onto us and into our lives. Homosexuality is a way of life that is acceptable to those who are homosexual, but not for those who are not. Your gay husband has no choice in his homosexuality, but you have even less to say about it.
Even women who find themselves accepting of gay people, and, in fact, have gay friends, are confused by their inability to cope with their husbands’ homosexuality. Don’t fall into this trap. Accepting a stranger’s homosexuality or even a friend’s does not have a direct effect on your life. Having a gay husband does. You are suddenly thrust into a world that most of us have grown up to believe is amoral, distorted, and taboo. You now visualize your partner for life wrapped in the arms of another man. Some women cannot picture what goes on past that point, but even this limited image is enough to bring on a feeling of heartbreak and revulsion.
Finding out that a spouse is unfaithful with a woman is difficult enough to deal with under ordinary circumstances. Finding out that your spouse is making love to a man is more than most women can cope with. It is ridiculous to think that there is something wrong with you because you are not comfortable with the gay world. Some husbands will try to make their wives feel guilty by telling them about other wives who are accepting of their husbands’ homosexuality, and who, in fact, even accompany their husbands to gay bars and outings. Be aware that this is the exception—not the norm. Some women will take desperate measures to save or hold their marriages or hold onto their husbands.
There are a small percentage of women who claim not to be bothered by their husband’s sexuality and even go so far as to state that they can deal with another man, but not another woman. Some gay fathers’ or gay husbands’ organizations will use these women as propaganda to convince other women that having a gay husband is no big deal. Don’t be misled. It is a very big deal, and a woman with a healthy thinking mind will not stay married to a gay man indefinitely.
Q. I have been divorced from my gay husband for two years and almost all aspects of my life have gotten back to normal except for one—sex. For some reason, I just can’t resume sexual relations. I freeze up as soon as I get close to someone. Is this unusual?
A. It is very common for women who have had gay husbands to have sexual hang-ups for short or long periods of time after the marriage. During the marriage, a wife is often faced with feelings of inadequacy because her husband does not want her. The sexual patterns of straight couples are considered “abnormal” by the gay spouse, and he often criticizes his wife’s sexual needs and desires. In time, this can have a damaging effect on the wife’s self-esteem in the bedroom. Some women are told they are responsible for their husbands’ turning to men. This leaves them with a strong sense of sexual inadequacy.
Even though you may be able to intellectually comprehend the situation of marrying a gay man and are dealing with it, emotionally it leaves its scars. One of those scars is usually in the area of sex. If you are having difficulty conquering this problem over a long period of time, it is best to seek counseling with someone who specializes in sexual problems.
Q. Should I be worried about AIDS?
A. Most definitely, as well as numerous other sexually transmitted diseases. It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age of constant reminders and death tolls, men are still not responsible when it comes to having sex with male partners and then with their wives. Through the years, I have counseled dozens of women who contracted AIDS through their husbands and who eventually died a terrible, painful death. For a number of years in the 1980s when AIDS was an automatic death sentence, there seemed to be less risks taken by gay males. But over the last few years, with the discovery of various life-sustaining drugs, it appears that men are taking chances again because they are under the impression that they can continue to live with medication. I have gay friends who have revealed that they are less careful today than five or ten years ago. The truth is that AIDS is not a curable disease and people still die from it. If you have the slightest suspicion that your husband has engaged in homosexual activities, even if he staunchly denies it, be safe and take an HIV test. If there is any doubt in your mind about your husband’s sexual orientation, make sure that you use protection if you are continuing to have sexual relations with him. My saddest experiences as a counselor came about over the years were when women would call me to tell me that their husbands had AIDS, that they were dying from AIDS, and now their children were being left as orphans. Early detection of HIV can definitely prolong your life. Ignoring the possibility can result in your untimely death.
Nothing distresses me more than women who suspect their husbands are having gay relationships but continue to have unprotected sex with their husbands. When I question them why they are playing Russian roulette, they tell me it’s because they don’t want their husbands to feel that they can’t be trusted. It’s incredible that they are willing to prove their love in such a dangerous way. So many of my women have been diagnosed with herpes, syphilis, and pre-cancerous conditions from their gay husbands’ infidelity, and yet, unprotected sex goes on.
The most frequently asked question from women is if there is any way to detect whether or not their husbands are gay and what are the signs.
Unfortunately, there are no definite ways to tell if a man is gay unless he is either honest with you or you catch him in the act. However, there are certain behavior patterns