Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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Copyright © 2006 by Shana Priwer and Cynthia Phillips
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.
Requests for permission should be addressed to:
New Horizon Press
PO Box 669
Far Hills, NJ 07931
Shana Priwer and Cynthia Phillips
Gay Parenting: Complete Guide for Same-Sex Families
Cover Design: Wendy Bass
Interior Design: Susan Sanderson
Library of Congress Control Number: 2005924254
ISBN-13 (eBook): 978-0-88282-503-8
New Horizon Press
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
First Things First: Legal Advice
Chapter 5:
Donor Insemination
Chapter 6:
Mommy and Daddy Roles
Chapter 7:
Making Same Sex Parenting Legal
Chapter 8:
Transgender Parents
Chapter 9:
A Healthy Pregnancy
Chapter 10:
Delivery and Birth
Chapter 11:
The First Two Years
Chapter 12:
The Toddler Period
Chapter 13:
Your Child’s Middle Years
Chapter 14:
Teenagers
Chapter 15:
Coming Out Later in Life
Chapter 16:
The Future of Gay and Lesbian Parenting
Appendix 1:
State-by-state table of information about adoption, second parent adoption, domestic partnerships, surrogacy and donor insemination, as of April 2005.
Appendix 2:
Domestic adoption agencies reported to be friendly to single and coupled gay/lesbian adoptive parents
Reproductive technology centers (sperm banks and surrogacy) friendly to gay/lesbian clients
Appendix 3:
Gay parenting organizations and other resources for gay families
Appendix 4:
Sample Contracts for Sperm Donation and Surrogacy
Index
AUTHORS’ NOTE:
Due to privacy concerns, the names and personal information for all individuals mentioned in this book have been changed, and some characters are composites.
DEDICATION:
This book is dedicated to our three children (Zoecyn, Elijah and Benjamin) who have enriched our lives and taught us the most important elements of parenting first-hand.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
The authors would like to thank the gay parenting groups in the San Francisco Bay Area who contributed their knowledge and expertise, as well as the many people whose stories are shared in this book. They also would like to thank the mothers of the MOMS e-mail list, hosted by Queernet.org, for their wisdom over the years. Special thanks to Dr. Marshall Gilula for his continued love and support.
The decision to raise a child is, without a doubt, the most consequential one you will ever make, simply meaning that this choice is full of consequences! It is also full of love, energy, happiness, sadness, sickness and health.
Gays and lesbians arrive at the decision to become parents through many different courses, all of them involving soul-searching and in most cases research. Gay families will encounter issues that straight families generally do not consider. The road is not always easy, but the end of the journey is, in our opinion and the opinions of those we’ve interviewed, worth every moment of stress and contemplation. The goal of this chapter will be to explain some of the “generic” issues crucial to any family on the brink of parenthood, and will pay special attention to ones that gay and lesbian parents need to be aware of.
Gay families often consist of two mothers or two fathers; single gays and lesbians, as well as bisexual and transgender individuals, can, of course, start their own families as well. A note on terminology: we will often use the shorthand “gay family” or “lesbian family” to actually mean “gay or lesbian parented family.” In most cases of a gay or lesbian couple with children, it is the parents who are lesbian or gay, not necessarily the children!
Extended family can be one major source of either bliss or contention in a gay family’s life. Factors that may affect the role that the extended family plays in your child’s life are the quality of your relationships with your in-laws and your own relatives’ degree of acceptance of your sexuality. These are topics to think about as you consider what role your child’s grandparents will play in his or her life. Oftentimes the lure of grandchildren can be enough