Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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you and your child can develop an exceptionally close relationship without having to make time for a spouse or partner.
On the other hand, single parenting is a lot of work. There will probably be times that you wish for someone (anyone!) to share your screaming baby at three in the morning. Single parents are on duty all the time. While some are lucky enough to have grandparents or close friends living nearby to help out, others do not have this sort of help available.
Single parents should know that they’re not alone – statistics show that the majority of single parents are no longer teenagers. They’re older women. There are even support groups for “single parents by choice” that include both heterosexual and gay or lesbian parents who have decided to share their lives with a child, with or without a partner.
CAN I AFFORD A BABY ALONE?
Before choosing to become a single parent, seriously consider the financial realities. As the only parent, you’ll have to work full-time, unless you’re independently wealthy. While working from home could be a fantastic way to cut down on daycare bills, full-time work-at-home jobs are few and far between. Even if such an opportunity presents itself, it can be difficult to put in a forty-hour work week while tending to a baby or toddler.
Daycare costs can eat up a large portion of your salary. The exception would be a fortuitous situation where you know someone who would watch your child for a reduced fee. Be advised, though, that this person should be a certified childcare worker and his or her home needs to be safe for children. This person could also be a close, trusted friend or relative, but he or she would need to understand the commitment that is required for watching a child five days a week. Try to figure out a plan for returning to work once your child has arrived and make sure that it will be feasible.
The options for having a child as a single parent are generally the same choices that a lesbian or gay couple would make. Insemination, surrogacy and adoption are the three primary options. The notable disadvantage is that, as a single person, you’d be responsible for the entire cost (as opposed to it being split between two partners) so finances could partially dictate the route you choose.
In some cases, it may actually be easier to adopt a child as a single parent than it would be as a couple. Your sexual orientation becomes much less of an issue as a single man or woman, particularly for international adoption. However, conceiving and giving birth may be more difficult without the support of a partner. The decision is an individual one, but it should be considered from all these different angles.
CHALLENGES FROM WITHOUT: EXTENDED FAMILY
Are you expecting Grandma and Grandpa to welcome your child with open arms? Don’t be shocked if they’re not as pleased as you are with your new family. As a gay or lesbian couple, you may find that the level of acceptance you receive from your parents and other extended family members varies widely. This may depend on the relatives’ ages, where in the country they live, whether they know any other gays or lesbians, whether any of their friends have gay or lesbian children, etc. Depending on how long you’ve been in your current relationship, you may find that parents especially regard your being gay as “just a phase” and think of your partner as “just a roommate” or a friend. They may go on in their denial for much longer than you would have thought possible.
The presence of a child in your lives, however, can be much harder for parents and other family members to ignore. While you and your partner may attend family holidays and other gatherings simply as “roommates” or friends, showing up with one partner holding a baby and the other partner holding a diaper bag makes the relationship much more obvious. Even if you feel as though you laid the groundwork years or even decades ago and have been out to your parents forever, be prepared for the fact that becoming parents is often what finally forces your own parents to consider you and your partner as lovers, partners and spouses.
If having a child doesn’t turn your parents into true believers, don’t despair. Often it’s just a matter of time before parents can finally accept and acknowledge their child’s homosexuality. In many cases, parents will come to a gradual realization that homosexual relationships are, in fact, relationships. They may meet other gay couples in other situations, and may realize that their friends also have gay children. They may see others in their day-to-day lives, from plumbers to store owners, who are out and gay; eventually, these casual relationships may positively affect their relationships with their own children.
On the other hand, don’t be shocked if parents who have shunned you for years for being homosexual suddenly welcome your new child with open arms! There is something about the lure of a grandchild that can make older or more conservative people more accepting. Especially if this is the first grandchild on either partner’s side of the family, you may find that much is forgiven when grandma gets to hold a smiling bundle of joy for the first time. Allow grandma and grandpa the pleasure of experiencing their first grandchild and give them the benefit of the doubt. While all families may not come around just because a child has been born, you may be pleasantly surprised. At the very least, don’t deny yourself the pleasure of finally being accepted, even if it had to come without direct action of your own.
You may also find that proud grandparents will naturally want to brag about their grandchild. They may want to show baby pictures to everyone they meet. This may actually force them to be much more open about your relationship than they would have been previously. Even if you’ve been out for years, don’t be surprised if everyone in your hometown suddenly seems to know both that you’re gay, and that you’ve had (or adopted) a child.
Once you’ve decided to try to become parents, you may want to tell your friends and acquaintances before the child is even conceived. However, rethink this. Both pregnancy and adoption can be long and bumpy roads, and if the people you tell are not supportive, their negative influence can add to your potential feelings of frustration. Reserve the announcement for the time when parenthood is imminent.
For example, if you’re using a surrogate to achieve pregnancy, you may want to wait until the pregnancy is fairly well established (or even until the child is born, in cases where extended family is more estranged) before announcing the child. When considering adoption, you may want to wait until you’re actually matched with a birth mother or receive a referral (for international adoption) before breaking the news to relatives.
On the other hand, some relatives may need quite a bit of time to get used to the idea of your becoming a parent. They could be better off with a slow approach, rather than a phone call saying, “Hey mom, we’re pregnant!” In these cases, you may want to break the news more gradually, perhaps as a series of hypothetical statements, such as “gee mom, we’re thinking of moving to a bigger house because we might start a family some day” or “how did you manage it when you had three small children at home?” Such questions will not only involve your parents by asking for their advice, they should give them some clue as to your plans.
You may also find that pregnancy and parenting a young child may bring you closer to both your parents and your partner’s parents than before. Feel free to ask for stories about when your mother or mother-in-law was pregnant; ask for advice on a wide variety of topics. Taking the advice is completely optional! The point is simply that starting a family can be a shared experience through which the entire family can bond.
For many, starting a family is a badge of true adulthood. Most gay and lesbian couples are not privy to weddings. The birth or adoption of a first child has a tendency to elevate a couple to adult status in the eyes of their other family members. Don’t be surprised to be invited, as a couple, to family gatherings and events for the first time.
HEY, THAT’S NOT FAIR…
Be aware of the potential for difference in treatment of your children and other grandchildren. For example, your sister may be married with a few children of her own. Suppose you then adopt a child, or your partner gives birth to a child. Your parents may be wonderfully accepting of your children and may welcome them as grandchildren. However, they could instead treat only the children that they are biologically related to as “real grandchildren.”
Unfortunately, the last scenario can be fairly common among gay couples and their extended families. If it