Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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your family and, therefore, of theirs. The first and best option is to be forthright: speak to the offending grandparents and make it clear that this difference in treatment is unacceptable. If this approach doesn’t work, it may be necessary to issue an “ultimatum” – treat all the grandchildren equally, at all times. Always remember what is most important: your children deserve to live in an environment where they are loved, respected and valued. These things are much more important than any supposed “rights” that extended family members may think they have. If you don’t like the treatment that your child is getting, even from a close relative, the best choice may be simply to eliminate contact with that person.
It is well-documented that children thrive in an extended family environment. If neither partner is close to anyone in his or her own family, remember that this extended community doesn’t have to be a biological one. If you experience hostile or unequal treatment from some or most family members, you can create a family of choice consisting of friends and supportive relatives. They can help provide a nurturing and caring environment that your children need and deserve. You can give them honorary titles of “Aunt,” “Uncle” and “Grandma”, and they can fulfill required roles at holidays, school plays and other celebrations.
Even if your family is supportive, they may live far away from you and your new family. In that case, a local family of choice can still be an excellent mechanism for support.
CONCLUDING ADVICE
We’ve discussed many things to think about as you start considering parenthood. The most important thing to ask yourself is, do you feel ready? If the answer is yes, then be confident in your decision to start a family. There will be bumps and potholes along the way, but your first day as a parent will be one of the happiest days of your life.
QUESTIONS FOR PROSPECTIVE PARENTS:
1. Are you prepared for a child, not just emotionally, but also financially?
2. Have you thought about how having a child will change your life?
3. Are you comfortable being “out”?
4. If you have a partner, does he or she feel the same way you do about starting a family?
5. Do you have any friends who are parents?
6. Have you spoken to your own parents about your desire to raise children?
7. Do they support you?
8. If you are single, do you have a good support network?
FIRST THINGS FIRST: LEGAL ADVICE
While married heterosexual couples can assume that they will receive the rights and responsibilities that come with a marriage certificate, most gay and lesbian couples can make no such assumptions. It will take work on your part to obtain similar protections. As of this writing, only one state in the United States (Massachusetts) allows full legal marriage for homosexual couples. While other states have a variety of other protections (or none at all) for same sex couples, no other states give the full benefits of marriage and no samesex marriages are recognized at a federal level. (See Appendix 1 for more information.) Ongoing litigation in several states is challenging the status quo. For the time being, though, it is critical for gay couples to do everything they can to protect their growing families.
Unfortunately, there isn’t one single thing or one individual document that a same-sex couple can fill out to gain all of these protections. Gay and lesbian couples have to put together these protections in a piecemeal manner. The exact requirements vary depending on one’s state of residence. Even if you live in a relatively liberal state, it is important to get the fullest possible legal protection in writing, just in case there is a medical or other emergency while you are traveling in a more conservative state or country.
It can be awkward to think about legal rights, because most are for worst-case scenarios such as serious illness or sudden death. In the first blush of a new relationship, this may be the last thing a couple wants to think about! With a more long-term established relationship, the partners may think these protections are unnecessary and should be taken for granted. However, never underestimate the greediness of distant relatives or the discrimination of our medical and legal system. Nobody wants to end up in the hospital, arguing with an emergency room physician over the right to visit a critically-ill partner. Even for couples who aren’t planning on having children, and especially for couples who are considering starting a family, it’s very important to have all legal rights and paperwork in order before proceeding.
WILLS AND TRUSTS
Planning for one’s own death is rarely a cheery proposition. However, it’s one of those “adult things” that has to be taken care of at some point, so why not sooner rather than later? If you were to die without a will or any sort of legal document indicating your wishes, your property would be distributed to your legal heirs (i.e. blood relatives) by the court system.
In most states, except for those with same-sex marriage, civil union or full domestic partnerships, your domestic partner will not be considered a legal heir for the purpose of inheriting. This can lead to an awkward situation; relatives of your partner, possibly people you’ve never met, may lay claim to the house you and your partner shared, your car and any other worldly possessions that you cannot prove were owned solely by you. Don’t expect such individuals to respect your relationship when it comes to money. Even the best of intentions will often be forgotten when the law is not on your side.
JANE AND DEBORAH: A WARNING
Jane, who had been Deborah’s partner for thirty years, died suddenly and without a will. The two women had a long, trusting relationship and never had much interest in paperwork. The deed to the house that they shared together was only in Jane’s name; her surviving partner, Deborah, therefore had no legal ownership of it. Jane’s name was also the only one on the car title, since in the beginning Deborah only used the car to go to the store and back. As they grew older, though, Deborah used the car more and more to shuttle Jane back and forth to medical offices and pharmacies.
After her death, Jane’s blood relative (a nephew she barely knew) showed up to claim her body. He did not have any understanding of Jane’s relationship with Deborah, and didn’t particularly care to listen. He did not listen to Deborah’s input for the funeral and, following the ceremony, he proceeded directly on to “his new” house. He emptied it of the priceless treasures and emotional keepsakes that Deborah had wanted to keep because, legally, the house belonged to his aunt and not to Deborah. Without legal standing, Deborah found herself homeless and was forced to move. Since the bank accounts were also only in Jane’s name, she lost her share of their money and other investments.
BE CLEAR NOW, AVOID TROUBLE LATER
The importance of stating one’s wishes in terms of property inheritance cannot be underestimated. By drafting a will, it is possible to designate exactly who should receive your property, as well as when they will receive it. You will also be able to name a person to be in charge of distributing your assets. This person is known as the “executor” of the will. His or her consent will need to be obtained first, since it’s not the kind of thing someone would want to be surprised with! This person should be made aware of your will and its location, so that he or she can access it if it ever becomes necessary.
In a will, it is appropriate to make provisions for the type of funeral you want, including who will have control over its content and format. Other funeral arrangements can also be specified. You can state your wishes about whether you want to be cremated or buried, and whether you want a funeral service in a particular religious tradition or a non-traditional memorial service of some sort. It can be a comfort to your partner and other relatives to know that your wishes are being carried out after your life is over, and can remove a significant burden during a very difficult time.
If you have children, you can nominate a guardian for your children in your will. This doesn’t have the legally binding nature of an adoption,