Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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this is usually not the case.
For example, a gay couple using a surrogate to carry a child to term will have to choose the sperm of one of the men. In some cases, the two men may choose to mix their sperm so that they don’t know which one is the biological father; however, the egg will ultimately only be fertilized with the sperm of one man. And just a warning on the subject: this practice might reduce the chances of conception because of antibodies which could cause problems for normal sperm function.
In the case of a lesbian couple that decides to have a baby, one of the big decisions will be which woman should carry the child. For some couples, one woman may really want to be pregnant while the other does not necessarily want to give birth herself. Marty and Chris had this “dilemma,” but were able to work it out since Chris had no interest, at the time, in getting pregnant. “For us, the decision was easy. I really wanted to get pregnant, and she didn’t!”
However, in other lesbian couples, both women may have intense desires to be birthmothers, and in these cases the decisions will be much more difficult. Options to circumvent this situation include both women attempting to get pregnant at the same time or implanting the eggs of one woman into the uterus of the other.
The issue, though, remains a major one: only one member of the couple usually will have a primary biological relationship to the baby. Some lesbian couples may choose to use a sperm donor who is a relative of the non-carrying partner; that way, both families’ blood lines will be present in their offspring. However, this solution to fathering the child relies on the availability and willingness of a male relative.
Do not discount the emotional impact of these decisions. It is important for gay and lesbian couples considering parenthood to discuss their roles in the family that they will create. One satisfying approach to give both parents equal status is for the child to assume the last name of the partner who is not biologically related. That way, both parents can assert their relationship to the child without rendering anyone unequal.
Of course, equal parenthood isn’t always a necessity. In some cases, one member of a couple may really want a child while the other member is less interested in the entire process. They may decide to configure their family so that the biologically-related partner is the primary parent, and the other partner has a role more like that of an aunt or uncle. While less common, this method can give each parent the roles desired. Beware, though, that once the theoretical child actually exists, all bets are off: hormones kick in and roles may change. Be prepared to be flexible. However, in a gay or lesbian couple starting a family there are no fixed roles for each parent, as there are in a heterosexual family. Without predetermined gender roles, each member of a couple can instead choose the role that fits that person the best: equal parents, mommy and auntie or daddy and his partner.
OUT AND ABOUT
Another important issue for partially-or completely-closeted gay and lesbian parents is the fact that, by virtue of having a child, not disclosing one’s sexual orientation becomes much more difficult. Many gay people are only comfortable being conservative in their display of their sexuality.
Abhi and Jose learned first-hand that one can’t maintain that level of privacy with a family. “When it was just the two of us, we were pretty careful not to look ‘too gay,’” Jose says. “We both had some bad experiences in college, and just wanted to be ourselves without being harassed. But after we adopted Kenny, we ended up all walking down the street holding hands together. It’s just what you do as a parent – you stop worrying about what other people think.”
Having a child call both parents “Mommy” or “Daddy” in public will make your family structure clear and apparent to all but the most oblivious observer. Once your child is older, she will talk about her family with friends, neighbors, teachers, the lady at the grocery store and anyone else she meets or comes into contact with. Expect to be “outed” in the most mundane of situations. Don’t expect your children to respect your desire to hide your lifestyle. If you can’t handle this sort of exposure, gay parenting may not be for you.
Children are not known for their subtlety and will probably fail if asked to keep the “family secret.” In fact, it is far preferable to teach children to be open and proud of their family structure. Keeping secrets will teach them that there’s something wrong with their family, and that is not a good thing with which to burden a child.
If you and your partner are not comfortable being out in everyday situations, it may be a good idea to practice before the child is old enough to understand what you’re saying. For example, if you’re sitting at a park with your infant and the mom on the next bench asks what your husband does for a living, it’s a good idea to practice saying something like, “my partner is an architect – she works up in the city.” While it may seem difficult or uncomfortable at first, remember that talking about your family structure will get easier in time.
FEAR NOT STRAIGHT STRANGERS
Gay families may encounter some confusion, hostility or outright homophobia from heterosexuals. Be prepared to deal effectively with these situations, especially in front of your children. If your children are verbal, express matter-of-fact pride in your family structure. If you are asked any sort of intrusive questions, such as how your children were conceived or adopted, feel free to brush them off if you are uncomfortable answering. If you feel the person is asking out of genuine interest instead of prurient curiosity, but don’t want to discuss the details of picking a sperm donor in front of your children, it can be best to have a prepared answer along the lines of, “Those are personal details that are just for our family, but if you want to give me a call later I can give you some more general information.”
Don’t assume the worst, however. You’ll probably find that you’ll bond just fine with the other parents at your child’s baby gymnastics class over the mundane details of parenting. Every parent has to deal with issues like diaper rash and reflux! An interesting facet of becoming a parent is that you may find yourself having much more in common with the straight couple down the street than you did before you had kids. In fact, you will probably have much LESS in common with your gay friends who have chosen not to be parents.
To this extent, parenting is a great equalizer. You may find that you mesh into “straight culture” more than you ever dreamed (or wanted!) and that, conversely, the bar scene doesn’t hold the appeal that it did before the 3:00 a.m. feedings and diaper changes. Perhaps the best way around this situation is to connect with other gay and lesbian families in your area. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself acquiring a number of straight friends as well, especially ones with children the same ages as yours.
Keeping your existing circle of friends is not impossible. Many of your gay and lesbian friends, while they might decide not to become parents themselves, may make excellent honorary aunts and uncles to your children. Don’t discount any offers of free babysitting! What’s important to remember is that, even as your primary function is now that of a parent, you are still the same person you were before you had children, and you still have your own intellectual and emotional needs. Try not to isolate friends just because they don’t have children. Incorporate them into your life to the extent that they are willing. Especially if your household includes a stay-at-home parent, childless friends can be a lifeline back to the adult world where conversations rarely involve what shade the baby’s poop is.
You may, of course, find that in reality, once you have kids, you have little time for anyone else. If this is the case, don’t be self-critical. For most of us, family comes first, and you have to accept that one of the prices of parenthood is making certain sacrifices.
CHOOSING TO BE A SINGLE PARENT
Single people, we believe, are capable of becoming excellent parents. The reality of single parenting, though, will be different from that of parenting as a couple.
People making a conscious decision to be single parents are becoming more and more common, and have certain advantages and disadvantages over parenting as part of a couple. On the plus side, the decision is all yours. When you decide the time to become a parent is right, you can begin to take action without further ado. As a single parent, you can have absolute consistency in your style of parenting. Your child will not