Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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In some states, surrogacy is illegal. In other states, it is legal, but the surrogate cannot be compensated financially for her role in the birth. In many states, surrogates cannot be paid directly for bearing a child to term. If you live in one of these states, other arrangements for compensation will need to be made or you’ll need to find a family member or close friend who will be a “compassionate surrogate” out of the goodness of her own heart. In Miguel and Robert’s case, Miguel’s sister Maria refused to take any money from the grateful couple. Robert reports: “We made sure to offer to babysit Maria’s two girls as often as we could, especially during Maria’s third trimester when she was very tired. We had them over at our place just about every weekend. It gave Maria a break, and definitely helped us get ready for parenthood!”
A workaround to living in a state that doesn’t allow surrogacy is finding a surrogate in another state. You may actually need to have the procedures performed in this other state. You may find, however, that some agencies will refuse outright to work with couples or singles in states where surrogacy is illegal or of an uncertain legal status. In terms of fairly compensating the surrogate, in states where that is allowed, it is legal and permissible to pay them for travel expenses, medical fees, emotional distress and everything else relating to the conception and pregnancy. Some states also allow payment for living expenses while the surrogate is pregnant.
Of course, there are horror stories about surrogacy just as there are about adoption – a few cases over the years have made the news, where a surrogate refused to surrender the child she bore for someone else upon the child’s birth. It is important to investigate the laws of your state and if you live in a state where surrogacy is unregulated or disallowed, be prepared to make alternate arrangements.
WHAT ABOUT THE COST?
Between finding an egg donor, locating a surrogate, fertility procedures, legal fees and pregnancy expenses, having a baby via a surrogate can cost between $25,000 and $50,000 depending on your area of the country. The cost can increase if many IVF attempts are required; remember that payment is due even if pregnancy is not achieved on a particular attempt. There is no guarantee that the surrogate will become pregnant, and there is always a risk of miscarriage or other problems during the pregnancy. Attempting surrogacy without substantial savings is a questionable decision.
Something to be aware of is that, even if the surrogate has health insurance to cover pregnancy, many insurance plans specially exclude coverage for pregnancy by a surrogate. Check into the surrogate’s health insurance policy, so that there are no unexpected bills or claims. Depending on the state, the surrogate may or may not be allowed paid leave after giving birth – California, for example, is one state that allows surrogates the same paid family leave time that women who give birth to their own babies receive.
ARE WE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE TWINS?
In surrogacy, as with IVF for a lesbian couple, the risk of multiple births increases with the number of embryos that are implanted in a particular cycle. However, the situation surrounding surrogacy differs slightly because medical insurance often does not cover the expenses associated with the procedure; if there are pregnancy complications due to multiple fetuses (ranging from bed rest to premature birth to time spent in the neonatal intensive care unit), all of these costs must be borne by the intended parents. These fees can easily reach into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. If you cannot commit financially to these sorts of unforeseen expenses, surrogacy may not be the best option for achieving parenthood.
In Gil’s case, talking with the doctor reassured him. “I wasn’t particularly worried about having multiples, but, as a single gay man, I wasn’t sure I wanted to end up with five children! Mostly, it was financial – I don’t think I could afford to raise that many kids on a journalist’s salary. The fertility team told me about ways to reduce the chance of multiples: mainly, we could transfer fewer embryos at a time.”
HOW DO I LOCATE A SURROGATE?
Finding a surrogate can be a challenging process. Matthew and Damian, a gay male couple living in Massachusetts, decided to use a lawyer for the search. “We had a hard time finding a surrogate, so it seemed that the best way to go was just to find a lawyer,” Matt says. “We met with a few lawyers before settling on one who had worked with surrogates and parents before.” They recommend looking for a lawyer who will work entirely on your behalf, though. “One of the lawyers we met had another surrogacy client at the same time, and we were always sort of worried about having to compete with this other couple for a child. We knew that the one we picked was totally on our side.”
Another good choice is to contact an agency that specializes in surrogacy (see Appendix 2 for some gay-friendly surrogacy agencies). An agency may have broader services, including contacts in different locations (which can be especially useful if you live in a small or conservative town, or want to take advantage of favorable laws in a different state). Agencies take on the brunt of the footwork involved with medical exams for the surrogate, matching of surrogate to parents and legal paperwork. They will also do both medical and financial screening of all involved parties. In Matthew and Damian’s case, this wasn’t an option. “There just weren’t any agencies in our area, or if there were, we couldn’t find them.”
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