Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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private adoption is often the only way to adopt a healthy newborn (assuming that’s what the parents want), but the cost can be prohibitive. While it is illegal to directly pay the birthmother for the adoption, oftentimes the adoptive family will be responsible for lawyer’s fees, agency fees, hospital expenses and prenatal care for the mother. In some cases, the potential adoptive family will provide support for food and rent for the birthmother until the child is born. These costs can quickly exceed $20,000 or $30,000 and there’s no pre-determined limit; the costs can keep soaring throughout the pregnancy.
In a private adoption, there is no requirement that you live in the same state as your adoption agency or the birthmother. This is important, because the rights of the birthmother and adoptive parents vary widely from state to state. In some states, such as New Jersey, the birthmother has only seventy-two hours after the child is born to sign a document relinquishing her parental rights; this document, once signed, formally frees the child for adoption. In other states, the birthmother has a much longer period, up to six months in some cases, during which she can change her mind before the adoption is finalized. An adoption is not finished until the birthmother has legally relinquished all parental rights and the appropriate waiting period has passed. If you don’t want to take the chance of a birthmother deciding that she wants to retain custody, carefully consider whether private adoption is for you.
One of the biggest risks with a private adoption is that the birthmother may change her mind, either before the child is born or before the termination of parental rights is finalized. The birthmother may suddenly decide that she really doesn’t want a gay couple raising her child, or that she wants to parent the child herself. If this happens, you may have no legal recourse to recoup any of the living or other expenses you’ve already paid.
See Appendix 2 for a list of domestic adoption agencies, sorted by state, that are reported to be friendly to gay and lesbian singles and couples who wish to adopt.
PUBLIC DOMESTIC ADOPTION
The second major type of domestic adoption is for prospective parents to go through a public adoption agency, such as the Department of Social Services. Although newborns are sometimes available via this route, most children available for adoption in this way are slightly older, ranging in age from a few months up to teenagers. The ages and races of children available for adoption through the public route vary widely from place to place around the country – some areas may have mainly older children, others may have many babies available. One of the big advantages of a public adoption is financial. Parents adopting through the Department of Social Services often pay minimal fees, and the children may even come with stipends to cover living and medical expenses for a number of years beyond the adoption.
Many agencies have foster-to-adopt programs, where a child can be placed with you as a foster child before her parents’ rights are terminated and she is legally freed for adoption. Sometimes, the risk to the potential adoptive parents can be reduced because they can choose to consider only children who are legally free for adoption. This method eliminates the possibility of the birthparents changing their minds during the adoption process. However, it also limits the number of children available. Depending upon your state of residence in the US, adoption through a public agency may or may not even be available. On the other hand, in some more liberal areas, such as the San Francisco Bay Area, gay and lesbian couples are actively recruited by public adoption agencies.
WHAT ABOUT TRANSRACIAL ADOPTION?
While many families prefer to adopt a child of their own race in order to create the assumption that the child is biologically theirs, interracial or transracial adoption can be a very good choice for gay and lesbian families. James and Chad are a gay male couple living in Los Angeles; James is African-American, Chad is Caucasian. They decided that adopting an interracial baby would be the perfect way to expand their family, since both men felt that their cultures would be “represented” in their child. In addition, it actually sped up the adoption process; at the time they were looking to adopt, there were no white newborns available for adoption, but there were several interracial babies looking for a home.
While race isn’t of concern to some adoptive parents, it should always be considered deliberately. Take some time to think about the reality of your life, the part of the country you live in and your personal feelings on the subject. Above all, be honest with yourself and your partner.
One thing to consider with transracial adoption is that the presumption of parenthood will be different than if you adopt a child of your own race. In families whose ethnicities all match, it’s generally assumed that adults and children are biologically related. With a multiracial family, though, people’s assumptions are challenged. This isn’t a bad thing, but it’s something to be aware of. When at the mall or grocery store, for example, you may be asked if you are babysitting. If just one parent is out with the child, people may ask or assume that the ethnicity of the other parent must match that of the child. Be prepared for intrusive questions, and also be aware that you’ll need to protect your child from these questions as well. Plan out in advance what you can say to protect your children from cruelty or ignorance.
In the case of gay and lesbian couples with transracially-adopted children, some people in positions of power or authority may not conceptualize, understand or believe in your family. In one recent case that made the newspapers, a white male couple and their adopted African American daughter were stopped at a rest stop in a southern state and the police were called by a bystander, who assumed that the couple had abducted the child. The bystander didn’t understand that the three were a family, and instead assumed a nefarious situation. The police later pulled over their car. Fortunately, the family was traveling with adoption papers and had photographs of the three of them together, and the child was old enough to refer to both of the men as her daddies. The police eventually recognized that they were a family and let them go on their way. If your family is multiracial, be prepared to define your family and prove your connections to each other.
A further consequence of transracial adoption is that the adoption becomes, in a sense, public property and public knowledge. In many parts of the country, for example, adoptions of children from China and other Asian countries are common enough that when a white couple is seen with an Asian child, it’s assumed that the child must have been adopted. In adoptions where the ethnicity of the child matches the ethnicity of the parents, the adoption remains more private – it is something that can be told by the family, as desired, to friends, relatives or strangers, but is not immediately obvious at first glance to an outsider.
If your choice is international adoption, the adoptive parents commonly spend anywhere from a week to a month or more in their child’s country of origin while finalizing the adoption process. You can learn the country on a more intimate level than what would be available in a standard tourist trip. In many parts of the world, there are various cultural groups that adoptive parents can use to keep their children in touch with their cultural heritage.
Transracial adoption is becoming more and more popular in the United States and other countries. One recent study estimated that about 10 to 15 percent of adoptions in the US involved children and parents who were of different ethnic or cultural backgrounds. When Jerry, a single gay man, attended his first open house at a local adoption agency, he was told that in his area, 95 percent of the parents who wanted to adopt were white, while 95 percent of the children available for adoption were non-white! And, of course, most international adoptions are also interracial adoptions. After considering his options, Jerry went on to adopt an adorable five-year-old Hispanic boy, Juan, through the local department of social services. Jerry reports: “Juan is teaching me Spanish, and I’m helping him with his English. So far, he’s a lot better in English than I am in Spanish! We enjoy exploring various ethnic foods and Hispanic parts of town, and I feel that bringing a child from a different culture into my life has really enriched my understanding of my part of the country.”
DEMYSTIFYING INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
Sarah, a single lesbian from New Mexico, had desperately wanted a child for years. She always thought that she’d wait until she found the perfect woman, but it appeared that she was destined to be single awhile longer. She’d dated, even been in a short-term relationship, but nothing had worked out. One constant in her life, though, was an urge to parent,