Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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in the case of heterosexual or lesbian couples involves a major decision. In the traditional case, the intended mother will not be biologically related to the child, while in the gestational case she will be. For a gay male couple, however, the difference is not as large – in either case, the sperm of one of the intended fathers will be used, with either an egg from the surrogate herself (in the traditional case) or from an egg donor (in the gestational case). Of course, choosing which man will be the biological father can become a huge issue for gay male couples, just as choosing which mother will be the egg donor can become an issue for lesbian couples.
Another difference between the two types of surrogacy is the level of fertility procedures required – traditional surrogacy often requires only basic medical procedures, while gestational surrogacy requires a much higher level of procedures and therefore costs. This is because in gestational surrogacy, similar to IVF (in-vitro fertilization, see Chapter Five), the egg donor must have eggs extracted, requiring fertility drugs to stimulate the production of multiple eggs and to synchronize her cycle with the gestational surrogate’s. Then the surrogate has the eggs implanted, and must be on a variety of fertility drugs to help increase the chances of implantation. In addition to the increased costs, gestational surrogacy also comes with all the risks of IVF, including a higher risk of miscarriage and a longer recuperation time between cycles.
From the point of view of the intended parents, there is the possible increased risk of a disruption in the process due to the biological relationship between a traditional surrogate and the child she carries. While such disruptions are very rare, they do happen and in a custody dispute the courts might be more likely to rule in a surrogate’s favor if she is biologically related to the child she carried than if she isn’t. In the case of gestational surrogacy, the only biological claim on the child will be from one of the intended fathers, thus providing a bit more legal protection.
CONSIDER A SURROGATE EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE A PARTNER
Gil, a single gay man, very much wanted to be both a parent and a father. “I’ve been wanting to be a father to a child since I was a kid!” he said. He didn’t want to adopt, because he wanted to have a child that was “his” – for him, biology was a very important factor. “When I was young, people always told me how much I looked like my father. I was so proud to resemble this great man, one that I looked up to every day. I want that sort of familiarity, that connection, with my own child.” Single gay men who wish to become parents may be especially drawn to surrogacy, though there may not be much of a cost savings compared to adoption.
A major emotional decision to make, in the case of a couple, will be the issue of whose sperm to use. In the case of a single man, there will be no one to consult or haggle with about the many decisions involved. For single men, surrogacy may actually be easier from a legal perspective than adoption. Surrogacy provides a clear alternative, albeit with many pros and cons.
VARIATIONS ON SURROGACY
In addition to gay male couples, some lesbian couples suffering from infertility also choose surrogacy. It is an excellent way to incorporate one’s genes into a child that one then plans to raise, even though neither individual will physically carry the child to term. With gay male couples or singles, a variety of options are possible in addition to the typical “traditional” and “gestational” routes. The usual procedure is for one man to donate sperm, which will be used in fertilizing the egg of an anonymous donor. This embryo is then implanted into a surrogate, using regular IVF procedures. Nine months later, with luck, the couple will have their own biological child.
Variations on this procedure are also possible. In some cases, where a gay couple doesn’t wish to know who the biological parent is, they may ask for their sperm to be mixed before being used to fertilize an egg. Some fertility specialists think that this actually cuts down on the chances of conception because the sperm from the two men “compete” with each other. Most specialists think it is preferable to pick one man to be the sperm donor.
In other cases, sperm from one of the men can be used to fertilize an egg from a woman related to the other member of a couple, such as a sister or other close female relative. By going this route, the child has a biological connection to both men. If such a connection is important to both members of the couple, then it can be an excellent avenue to explore. However, it relies on both the willingness and availability of female family members.
Miguel and Robert, one gay couple, used a family member as a surrogate. Miguel’s sister, Maria, and her husband, already had two children, and Maria had had easy pregnancies with both. When Miguel and Robert approached Maria about being a surrogate, she was a bit hesitant at first – the idea of being a surrogate had never occurred to her, though she knew how much Miguel and Robert loved children and how they were devoted uncles to her two girls. After discussing the idea with her husband, Maria decided to go ahead with the procedure. Robert provided sperm, and Maria became pregnant after only two tries. She had an easy pregnancy again, and Robert and Miguel were there at the delivery and got to hold their new daughter Rebecca right after she was born. Miguel says, “Robert and I were lucky to have a close relative who was willing to be a surrogate for us – this way, Rebecca is really part of both of us. And Rebecca has an especially close relationship with her two cousins, as well – we see them all the time, and she knows that Auntie Maria carried Rebecca in her tummy, because her daddies couldn’t get pregnant themselves!”
PROS AND CONS OF SURROGACY
To Gil, it was be important to pass on the family name, as well as genes, to the next generation. Gil says, “Surrogacy is clearly an extremely personal decision of a highly emotional nature, and only you and your partner, if you have one, can make these choices together.
In surrogacy, the child is planned from the very beginning. The eventual parents can be involved in the pregnancy from the very earliest days. It allows a degree of control and reassurance for the parents – they know that the surrogate is getting good prenatal care, isn’t smoking or using drugs and is otherwise taking care of herself during the pregnancy. If all parties agree, the intended parents can even attend medical appointments with the surrogate, hear the heartbeat and see the baby on ultrasound. They may also be allowed to be present during the birth. This degree of access is sometimes available in an open adoption situation, but in many cases is not.
The decision to place a child for adoption is often emotionally charged. With a surrogate, the woman decided to go into the procedure; the surrogate may not consider the child as hers, whereas a woman giving her child up for adoption is always considered the birthmother. Also, in the case of adoption, the birthmother usually has the option to change her mind about giving up her child. With surrogacy, there is little doubt that the contractual parent will receive his child once the baby is born.
One disadvantage of surrogacy is that it is an extremely medicalized process with many interdependencies. There are medical exams and procedures for just about every party involved, and all aspects of the concerned party’s health will be examined and subject to scrutiny. The least intrusive route possible, using a traditional surrogate and doing at-home inseminations with fresh sperm, is still somewhat invasive and may make some surrogates uncomfortable. Remember, though, that a gay man’s part of the process will actually be fairly limited. Once the sperm sample is taken, assuming that there aren’t any fertility problems on the man’s side, the man shouldn’t need any more medical contact. The rest of the medical procedures (egg harvesting to embryo implantation, pregnancy and birth) will all involve the woman.
If you’re a particularly private person, or can’t tolerate multiple doctor’s visits and probing questions about your health, adoption may be a better choice (though of course, adoption comes with its own intrusions in the form of court petitions, the home study, etc.).
WHAT ARE THE LEGAL PITFALLS?
Surrogacy usually involves a legal contract wherein the surrogate relinquishes any and all parental rights toward the child. Surrogacy is not the same as adoption, and the surrogate mother is not usually considered a “birthmother.” It is a type of legal transaction.
When considering surrogacy be aware that this is one area of reproductive technology in which the law has not yet caught up to society. Surrogacy laws are highly