Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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so it’s a good idea to compare prices before committing to one particular agency. When Sarah was working with her adoption agency, she mentioned that she had lived with a family in Russia before; because she had kept up contact with them, she was actually able to stay with her host family for part of her time in-country. This saved her from paying hotel fees for her entire visit, which took about $500 out of the cost of the adoption. Every bit helps!
DO WE TELL THE AGENCY THAT WE’RE GAY?
Perhaps one of the most difficult parts of adopting as a gay or lesbian couple will be finding an agency who will work with you. In the case of international adoptions, if your application is rejected, it will usually not be because the agency in the United States is homophobic. Rather, almost every other country has rules restricting adoptions to heterosexual couples or singles (and single women may adopt in far more countries than single men). Be forewarned that almost no countries are willing to work with homosexual couples.
Before even approaching an agency, you should decide if you want to present yourselves as a gay couple, or whether you will choose one partner to act alone. Some agencies have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy and if you don’t mention outright that you are a gay couple, they may work with you; others may reject you outright if they later discover that you’re a gay couple, so it’s best to learn an agency’s policy before committing. One way to do this is to make an anonymous phone call to inquire about the agency’s policies; you can also network with other gay and lesbian adoptive families to find which agencies they used.
If the agency is known to be gay-friendly, then you should be as open about your relationship as you’re comfortable being. In this friendly scenario they should treat both partners as equal parents of the child-to-be, and they’ll advise you as to which countries allow homosexuals to adopt. It’s important to understand ahead of time that, as a gay couple, you will be expressly forbidden to adopt in just about every other country. If you want to adopt internationally, you’ll need to accept these limitations. Ultimately, many people feel, the child is what matters, so if you choose to pursue an international adoption expect to swallow your pride at certain points along the way.
While most countries prohibit gay couples from adopting, most do allow single individuals to adopt. Currently, these include India, Kazakhstan, Russia and Ukraine. Some countries, like Japan, heavily discourage single people from adopting; other countries may have different age limits and other requirements for would-be single adopters.
Although we are not advocating not telling the truth, we wish to present all options. If you’re in a gay or lesbian relationship and want to pursue adoption, one choice may be to pass yourself off as a single person with a “roommate.” This approach may be morally distasteful to couples who don’t want to feel they have to be dishonest about their relationships. Legally speaking, in most states a gay couple does actually consist of “roommates” rather than two people married to each other.
There is no legal obligation to present yourselves as a married couple if you’re not. An exception will be in states within the United States that allow domestic partnerships; these can be legally-binding arrangements, depending on the state. In this case, locate a gay-friendly adoption agency and ask them how to proceed.
If you’re in a gay or lesbian relationship and want to adopt from a country that only allows married couples, you may find it tempting to consider a “quickie marriage” to gain eligibility. Kelly and Greg, a gay male couple from Portland, had been together for several years before deciding to adopt. Although they tried, they were unable to adopt as a gay couple and became frustrated. “I’d had my heart set on adopting a baby from India,” Kelly says, “but India doesn’t allow adoptions by single men, let alone gays.”
Kelly and Greg had several close lesbian friends, and Kelly married one of them so that he and his “wife” could qualify for the adoption. If you choose this type of arrangement be aware that most countries require a married couple to have been married for a certain length of time (usually at least three years).
If you decide to present yourself as a single person, be ready for some preparatory work. Inform the people writing recommendation letters for you to portray you as a single person. When the social worker comes for the home study, you must present two separate sleeping rooms for you and your “roommate.” In some cases, one of the partners might move out for the duration of the adoption process, so that no one from the agency can later “accuse” the two partners of being a couple.
Any such subterfuge may place great strain on your relationship. If one partner is undecided about adoption, these requirements may be substantive. On the other hand, if you’ve been in a committed relationship for years you and your partner may decide that the child is more important than anything else.
In the interviews with the social worker (there will be several, both before and after the child arrives), think carefully about how you will discuss your plans to take care of the child. If you decide to present yourself as a single parent talk about “me” and “I” rather than “we” and “us.”
Some countries require an affidavit of heterosexuality. Part of the adoption paperwork may demand that you sign a document certifying that you are not homosexual. Currently, such countries include China and sometimes Guatemala. The danger of proceeding in this situation is that the adoption could be revoked if the foreign country eventually finds out that you are, in fact, gay. While the odds of such a reversal happening are slim, some gay couples may decide to abandon the idea of adopting from these countries.
ARE WE TOO OLD TO ADOPT?
Most foreign countries have age requirements for the parents, though they can vary quite a bit. Many countries require the parents to be at least thirty. Generally, adoptive parents also can’t be more than thirty-five or forty years older than the child they’re adopting. Married couples often are required not to be more than a certain number of years apart in age. www.adoption.org is a great resource for quickly researching the adoption laws of different countries.
CAN WE BOTH TRAVEL TO THE FOREIGN COUNTRY?
When the adoption has been finalized and you’re making plans to pick up your child, a major issue for gay couples who are adopting as singles will be whether your partner comes on the trip. The agency with which you’re working may specifically advise you not to travel together, as some countries have rejected adoptions if, for instance, a “single woman” walks into court holding hands with a female partner. It is particularly unlikely that two men would be allowed to travel together – some gay men doing international adoptions have brought their sister, or even their mother, along to help provide some child-rearing expertise. Sarah, one of the prospective adoptive parents of whom we’ve spoken, was traveling to Russia with her aunt. She still had to convince the adoption agency that her aunt wanted to come along to help out, and also to see some of the country: “The agency kept insinuating that she was really my girlfriend. They tried about six times to get me to go alone, but we finally convinced them.”
Remember, as we’ve said before, the adoption will be a life-changing event for all parties involved. Both partners in a couple will probably want to pick up their child. If you’re willing to be discreet, some agencies will allow you both to travel; the non-adopting partner usually takes the role of a “support person” or “best friend” who’s traveling to help with the new child. However, if the agency tells you early in your working together that you that this won’t be possible, you may need to consider adopting in a different country or investigate working with another agency.
Bear in mind that many countries, particularly Russia, now require prospective adoptive parents to make two trips. If one partner cannot miss work twice for international travel, then it may make sense for the other partner to be the parent of record for the adoption. These sorts of issues need to be considered well in advance.
FOSTERING
Some families may decide to provide foster care to one or more children in need of a temporary home.
Some gay families may choose fostering over adopting because it allows them to help both a needy child and the community. Many United States