Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
Читать онлайн книгу.
step in parenting. Gays and lesbians need to do more than heterosexual parents do, just to obtain the same or fewer rights. Unfair as it may seem, you still need to protect your children and partner. Write up a will or living trust, set up a Durable Power of Attorney for medical and financial cases and get all your paperwork legally documented. Hopefully none of these papers will ever be necessary, but if they are, you’ll be glad to have them.
QUESTIONS FOR PARTNERS:
1. Have you and your partner registered as domestic partners, had a civil union or taken advantage of whatever level of legal recognition is available in your state, county or city?
2. Have you prepared a will or a living trust? Have you updated it to take into account recent births or adoptions of children?
3. Have you designated a third-party guardian, in the event that something were to happen to both you and your partner? Have you told your children who that guardian is?
4. Are most of your assets held jointly with your partner?
5. Have you filled out durable power of attorney forms for healthcare and finances? Have you had them notarized? Do you know where they are?
6. Have you discussed your wishes with your partner? Have you discussed your wishes with your relatives?
One of the most common ways for gay and lesbian couples to start a family is through adoption. There are many different options for adopting children, including domestic and international adoptions, and fostering. Which route to adoption you choose will be informed by mainly external factors: where in the United States you live (or what country you live in), the state of your finances, the age of child you desire and your willingness to be open about your lifestyle. See Appendix 1 for more information about adoption laws relevant to single parents or gay or lesbian couples in each state.
The most common type of adoption in the United States is domestic, meaning an American family is adopting a child born in the United States. Domestic adoptions come in one of two types; open adoption and closed adoption. They can be done either through a private or public adoption agency, or by using an adoption lawyer or facilitator. One of the first decisions an adoptive couple should make when entering this process is whether they prefer an open or closed adoption.
Until recently, closed adoptions were by far the most prevalent. Incredible amounts of secrecy surrounded adoption and, in fact, many children adopted in the 1950s and 1960s (and earlier) were never told they were adopted. Open adoptions became more common only in recent years. In a closed adoption, all records of the adoption are sealed and there is no contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family. In some cases, original documents relating to the adoption are actually destroyed.
In a closed adoption, therefore, it can be very difficult (if not impossible) for a person who was adopted to try to track down his biological parents, even once he or she reaches adulthood. More recently, in part because of an outcry from adults who were adopted as children, open adoptions have started to become more popular.
Open adoptions can range through varying degrees of “openness.” In some open adoption situations, the birth mother and the adoptive family have each other’s names and addresses. They can choose to have no contact at all, perhaps until the child reaches adulthood and may wish to initiate such contact. They may exchange yearly letters and photos, perhaps even presents and phone calls. In other cases, there is a much closer connection between the birth mother and the adoptive family–they may visit each other, and the birth mother (and other members of her family) may be fully accepted as an extended family for the child. If you wouldn’t be comfortable having the potential for a relationship with the birth mother, then an open adoption probably isn’t the best choice.
PRIVATE DOMESTIC ADOPTION
There are two main ways to go about adopting a child domestically. The first is to use a private lawyer, adoption facilitator or adoption agency; the second is to go through a public agency.
In the case of private adoption, one option is to find a lawyer who specializes in adoption law. This is often called an “independent” adoption.
Mary and Michelle, a lesbian couple in New York, had wanted a child for years. Both had infertility problems, though, and they ultimately decided to pursue a domestic adoption. They wanted to raise a newborn, so they retained a lawyer who had done about 200 private adoptions. He began the process of looking for a child on their behalf, placing advertisements in various clinics around the city. The women knew that they wanted an African-American baby, less than three months old, and in good health; at that point in their lives, they didn’t feel that they could handle adopting an infant with special health needs. Because they were upfront about this with their lawyer, they were spared being offered children that they knew they couldn’t accept.
Generally speaking, many private adoptions are for newborns. When a pregnant woman decides she wants to make an adoption plan for her child, she will often find and contact a lawyer. She may look in the yellow pages, check for ads at low-cost medical clinics or do a search on the Internet.
When Mary and Michelle registered with their private adoption attorney, they were given a lot of paperwork to fill out. “Our lawyer basically wanted to know exactly what kind of child we’d accept,” Mary recalls. “But he also had to get to know us, personally. We told him everything from age and race, to our health histories. He had to know if we used any drugs, or had any major health problems.” Michelle continues, “We also had to write a ‘Dear birth mother’ letter. We introduced ourselves as if the birthmother would be reading it to see if we’d be good parents for her baby. We described how much we love sports and music, and told them about our cats, the house we live in, our neighbors – everything we could think of that would make a good impression.” These letters often include details such as religion, educational background of the potential parents, pictures of their homes and themselves, etc.
For gay and lesbian couples wishing to go through this process, the probability that a birth mother will choose them can be fairly low, depending on the area of the country. However, there are some circumstances in which a birth mother might actually prefer a gay or lesbian couple to raise her child. These include cases where the birth mother chooses a gay male couple perhaps because she believes that they will have a higher income, or because she doesn’t want to be replaced as a mother figure in her child’s life. Lesbian couples may be chosen by a birth mother who thinks that her child will thrive in an environment with two mothers rather than one, or by a woman who has had bad experiences with men and prefers that her child be raised by women. Mary and Michelle waited about ten months before they got the call they’d been waiting for – they had been chosen by a birthmother who was due in a little over a month. Michelle says “One of the reasons this birthmother chose us was that we were a lesbian couple – she didn’t know any lesbians personally, but liked the idea of her child having two mothers. I guess being out in our profile actually helped us! She also said that our house looked cozy and friendly, and she liked the fact that we both have big extended families.” Mary and Michelle soon adopted a newborn baby they named Angela, and exchange letters and photos with her birthmother once a year. “Maybe we’ll meet her sometime, when Angela is older….but we’ll leave it up to Angela how much of a relationship she wants,” says Mary.
In some cases, birth mothers choosing a private adoption don’t want to have any input at all into the selection process. Searching for parents for a child takes a huge emotional toll on pregnant women. They may leave the choice of the adoptive family completely up to the agency. In such cases, called “closed adoptions,” the adoption agency will choose the best qualified set of parents on their waiting list of potential adoptive families. They’ll often pick the family who has been waiting the longest. In cases where the birthmother has no express wishes, more equality is often created for gay and lesbian families; particularly in states or areas that are less accepting of homosexuality, a gay family may be picked by the agency, rather than the birthmother.