Gay Parenting. Cynthia Phillips
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Perhaps one partner may have been in foster care as a child and feels a strong urge to “return the favor” by serving as a foster parent himself. Foster parenting provides a needed home for children, though often on a short-term basis; it is a route well worth considering.
FOSTERING IS THE SAME AS ADOPTING, RIGHT? NOT EXACTLY…
Foster parenting differs from adoption in that children placed for adoption have been legally freed when their birth parents’ parental rights are terminated (for a variety of reasons). Children in foster care are not legally free for adoption. The goal in most cases, when children are removed from their original homes and placed in foster care, is for the eventual reunification of the children with their biological families. Thus, foster care is seen as a temporary solution, while the birth parent or parents undergo such measures as drug treatment, parenting classes or finding employment.
SO HOW DO I GET STARTED?
Becoming a foster parent is a process that will take some time and perseverance. The first step is usually to visit a local foster parent, talk to them and get some idea of what to expect from the experience. Following that, the prospective parents should contact their state’s department of children and families to request information on foster care agencies. These offices will have applications for becoming foster parents, which can be quite extensive – they’ll include medical and physical tests, financial reports, references and usually a letter from the parent on why they want to foster. If your family is approved for foster care, you’ll undergo extensive training to help your family cope with your new charge (or charges).
As with adoption, a prospective family should decide what age and race of child they’d be willing to welcome into their home. They’ll also need to decide if they can handle a child with special needs. A major factor is that, unlike a newborn coming from an orphanage or hospital, most children in foster care are older and may have been the victims of abuse or neglect. They’re likely to come with some sort of physical or emotional problem, and foster parents need to be prepared for anything.
One pathway through which some couples adopt is called “Foster-to-adopt” or “Fost-adopt.” This method involves taking a child who has not yet been legally freed for adoption (i.e., termination of parental rights has not yet taken place), but the court system and Department of Social Services all agree that this is the route which is being taken. In this situation, a child can live with you on a temporary basis with the possibility of making it permanent, once parental rights are terminated, if the child is a good match for your family.
When any family is trying to get approved as foster parents, part of the process will be to have a home study in which the house (and people living in it) are certified for fostering. This home study is usually less intense than that of an adoption, but the same rules for gay families will apply. If you’re attempting to foster as an out gay couple, make sure that you find out ahead of time whether your particular region is amenable to having homosexual foster parents. Be prepared for the possibility of rejection based solely on your sexual orientation. If you’ve applied and been certified as a foster parent but have yet to have any children placed with you, don’t be afraid to inquire directly with a case manager or foster care supervisor. If you and your partner think that you’re being passed over because you’re a gay household, you may unfortunately have little or no legal recourse. However, sometimes a personal approach can make all the difference. If you can change one person’s mind, you may go on to great success as a foster parent.
Since foster parenting is often done on a county or city-wide level, it’s possible to circumvent regulations at the state level which may be hostile to gay and lesbian families. John is a single gay man, living in Florida, who wanted to start a family through adoption. The state of Florida has an outright ban on gay and lesbian people adopting children, and unfortunately John wasn’t able to move to another state; his parents were ill, and he wanted to remain close to them. John consulted with a lawyer and found that Florida has allowed gay couples to act as foster parents in certain regions, and he is currently fostering two babies. Inform yourself of your own state’s laws.
As a potential foster parent, you can choose the age range of children that you’re interested in fostering. One fact to consider when contemplating fostering a school-age child or teenager is that he or she may have some preconceived notions about gays and lesbians. Especially with a teenager, you may encounter some outright hostility. Be upfront about your sexual orientation at all stages of the process, and make sure your case manager informs the child before he shows up at your door; this sort of “complete disclosure” may avoid unpleasantness later. On the other hand, your family may be ideal for a young gay or lesbian teenager! Being placed in a supportive, nurturing family is the best thing that could happen for them.
One of the most difficult parts of fostering is the fact that you are, essentially, a temporary parent. There’s always the chance that you’ll be giving the child back to child services at some point, and your family will need to be able to deal with this emotional upheaval successfully. There’s a balancing act involved here: providing a loving family while not growing completely attached. Make sure you and your partner are up to this challenge before endeavoring to become foster parents.
CONCLUDING ADVICE
The decision to adopt is one that has to come from within. Once you arrive at this decision, though, you’ll constantly need to interact with agencies, courts, lawyers, social workers and all the other people who will help make your particular adoption a reality. Have patience with the paperwork; there will be a lot of it! One day, though, you’ll achieve what makes it all worthwhile, bringing home a beautiful child of your own.
QUESTIONS FOR PROSPECTIVE ADOPTIVE PARENTS:
1. Will I be satisfied and fulfilled by adopting, as opposed to giving birth to a child? Am I okay with the fact that my child will not be biologically related to me?
2. If you have tried infertility treatments, are you finished with them? Many agencies require that all attempts to become pregnant stop before the adoption process begins.
3. How do we feel about interracial adoption? Explore any preconceived notions that you and your partner have about adopting a child of a different race. Be completely honest about your comfort level, and make sure that you and your partner are on the same page.
4. How do parents and other relatives feel about adoption?
5. Would we consider adopting an older child? What age range? Under a year? School-age?
6. Would we consider adopting a child with special needs?
7. How do we feel about open adoption vs. closed adoption? How much contact with the birthparents would we be comfortable with?
8. How would we deal with an adoption disruption?
9. Can we afford an international adoption or a private domestic adoption?
10. Am I comfortable with hiding my sexuality from certain agencies or others involved in the adoption process?
In the case of surrogacy, a woman gives birth to a child who is intended for someone else from conception. Thus there is a surrogate womb. Most of the time, surrogacy includes the genetic material (sperm or egg) from at least one of the intended parents, although in some cases both an egg donor and a sperm donor are utilized.
Surrogacy is commonly used by both gay male couples and heterosexual couples with fertility problems. There are two main types of surrogacy: traditional and gestational. The difference involves the egg source – in traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is fertilized using sperm from the intended father, and carries to term a child who is genetically related to both her and (one of) the intended father(s). In gestational surrogacy, eggs from an egg donor (or mother with infertility problems) are fertilized with sperm from the father (or donor sperm), and then implanted in a surrogate who will carry to term a child to whom she is not biologically related.