Letters from a Better Me. Rachael Wolff
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I wonder if they’re bullies too. They probably are, or they just flat-out neglect their kids, so the kids are looking for attention. My son is so sweet and kind. Why does he have to go through this? Do I need to toughen him up? I used to be bullied. I never could understand why I was a target. I don’t want him to go through what I did.
Oh no! It’s already dinnertime. What am I going to do? Where did my day go?
A Frazzled Me
Being Unconscious
Many of us react to situations and people in our lives unconsciously. We have no idea when are being triggered by the past or when we are projecting fears of the unknown future. A broken record starts playing in our heads, and we go off about always, never, and our attachments to the unknown future. We have no idea that we are reacting to a past hurt or future fear. We aren’t where our feet are. Our thoughts have taken us away to another place. Where our feet are becomes unconscious and the gifts of the present moment are lost. The potential for healing turns into expressed hurt, rage, anger, fear, and pain. The cycle of unconscious living continues. What is happening right now in the moment is what matters, but when we are unconscious—we miss it!
Autopilot is a great example of being unconscious. We don’t want to deal with what is happening right now, so our minds go to past and future, and we miss what is happening. This is where our lives can slip out of control. We get lost. I can remember getting myself into a long-lasting emotionally abusive relationship. Next thing I knew, years had passed. When I was finally ready to look at the situation, I realized I had lost my identity completely. Looking back years later, my mom and sister told me, “You disappeared.” My best friend from childhood said, “You were a robot.” I was living unconsciously to avoid having to change, which in my mind meant I had failed. Discovering I had been living unconsciously was the beginning of my transformation.
Ready to look at how beliefs and perspectives affect us…
Dear Friend,
I hate men! All men suck! All they want to do is use women for sex. We can be thrown away like trash. I’m so disgusted by all these men thinking they have the right do to whatever they want. They don’t think there are any consequences. Especially all white men. White men think they are God’s gift to humanity. It’s even worse if they are rich white men. All rich people suck in general. They only get rich because money is all they care about. Then they think they can buy anybody. That’s why all these powerful men think they can get away with everything. To rich people, money is power. Money sucks! I hate money! I never have enough money. I’m always going to be broke. I’m going to end up with some poor guy who beats me because I obviously don’t deserve better. I’m never going to end up with a guy who cares about me. Men suck!
A Defeated Me
Beliefs and Perspectives
We are born and raised with a series of beliefs. Some were passed down from generation to generation. Others came from going with or against family, religious, societal and/or community beliefs. Some beliefs develop through our own personal experiences in school and life. Much of how we got to the reality we created is because of our beliefs, for better and for worse.
When we are lost in our fights against others, we haven’t yet discovered that our beliefs are perceptions. As humans, we don’t get to know absolutes like always, never, all, none, everyone, or no one. We are like snowflakes. Even within the same group, we are individuals. Beliefs vary from person to person within the same family, gender, religious group, workplace, support group, and culture. We can’t all be right and someone else be all wrong. We each have our own unique view. Getting stuck in I’m right and you’re wrong is how we block communication and close doors. We each have our own perspective of truth.
Pay attention to the perspectives that are creating fear and stress in your life. These beliefs will be shown in your reaction to others. We aren’t reacting to a person in particular. We are reacting to our own beliefs or perspectives of thought about what the person represents. Any time we say all—all women, all men, all Christians, all Muslims, all single moms, all dads, or all Americans—we need to pay close attention. If we use the word all in that sense, there is a belief tied into it. See if the beliefs you hold are really true for you. By focusing on negatively charged beliefs, the negative (fear, anger, rage, hate, corruption, separation) is where our focus goes, and we create more of it.
If we are not clear in our perspective, we can get very confused and lose sight of the love within us. We can get so stuck in the perspective of fear that we forget what brought us to the relationship, situation, event, or cause in the first place. We submerge into the darkness of humanity.
Dig Deeper
Belief exercise. Write about some of the beliefs that are a part of the foundation you build your house on. What do you believe? Remember to be honest! This exercise is to reveal hidden beliefs that could be causing us more pain. Here’s a couple to get you going:
•Do I believe love hurts, or that hurt people are responsible for the hurt?
•Do I believe money (a piece of paper) is bad, or that it corrupts all who have it?
For those of us ready to face our shame and guilt cycles…
Dear Universe,
I must be a truly horrible person. You keep knocking me down every time I start feeling good about a situation in my life. I have a great job and start to love what I do—I get laid off. I get into what I think is a great relationship—I find out he used me. I think someone is a great friend—she backstabs me. What did I do for you to punish me over and over? I really try to be a good person. If you loved me, you would give me the life I want. If you thought I deserved it, you would make good things happen in my life. I told my employer that if he valued me, he would let me work my own hours—he let me go. I told my boyfriend that if he loved me, he would marry me. Nope, he didn’t love me. I told my friend that, if my friendship meant anything to her, she wouldn’t be friends with this girl who doesn’t like me. She’s a friend to her anyway!
You keep bringing me so much pain. Am I really that worthless to you? Do I serve no purpose to you? I feel like if you really loved me I would be prettier. I wouldn’t struggle with my weight and more people would want to be around me. I would be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am. I guess I’m just not worthy of being one of your beautiful creations. Maybe that’s why you put me in a home where my brother was abused physically and I was abused emotionally. Maybe that’s why I had to watch my mom being beaten. You didn’t think I deserved more. I’m nothing.
A Broken Me
Shame and Guilt Cycles
We may experience a horrific series of events: parental, sexual, physical, emotional, or mental abuse. Our parents, religions, teachers, and employers used to or could be still using shame and guilt techniques as a passive-aggressive way to get what they want. If we were children when these events happened, our undeveloped selves may have taken those shaming sessions in as part of our identity. If that happens, a shame cycle is initiated and the self-abuse begins. These abusive beliefs can go as far as making us think we don’t deserve to breathe the air we’re given. In our minds, we are bad people. Self-abuse can remain unconscious for a lifetime if it goes unchecked. How do you know if someone is abusing themselves? They are a negative force of fear in our world. It all begins with shame.
Shame creeps in, and our feeling of worthlessness starts feeding into our thought cycles. We are so ashamed of who we are that we create walls. This makes us easy targets for guilt trips. We don’t feel worthy, so we need to do something for you whether it feels right or not. We can be convinced to stay quiet when bad things happen to us because we feel like we deserved it or somehow it was our own fault. We then will use the same cycle of shame and guilt to get what we want from others. The vicious cycle continues. We go on feeling like we are never good enough.
For women ready to see how our low self-image hurts us…
Dear Mirror,
I don’t like the person you keep putting in front of me. Her eyes are too far apart. Her face is too round.