Letters from a Better Me. Rachael Wolff
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What can I do to make her more acceptable? If I cover all her natural features, maybe she will be more lovable. If I get Spanks, maybe the jiggle won’t disgust the people who have to see her. I can dye her hair to distract people from the roundness of her face. I take picture after picture of her, using all the editing features on my phone. I can make her more beautiful to the world. If at least fifty people don’t like the picture, I didn’t do a good job. I spend whole days thinking about how to make her look better.
I look into exercise programs, diets, makeup, and hair removal, yet no matter how many things I try, my attempt fails. I just can’t look at you anymore, so I covered all the mirrors in my house. I don’t want to think about what is in there anymore. I don’t like what I see and I can’t seem to change it.
I’ve just accepted that I’m not going to find anybody who will love the woman in the mirror. She’s pathetic. She can’t do anything right. She fails at everything. Who would want her?
A Pathetic Me
Low Self-Image and Self-Worth
This is how we got here, the land of misery. We believed we were unworthy and had to prove ourselves to the outside world. What we didn’t realize is that we missed the messages that told us to love ourselves first. We missed the point where we might have been told we only get more of what we already have inside. We missed the vital importance of putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first. We just held onto being unworthy. If we feel unlovable, we try to get from the world what we aren’t giving to ourselves. We expect the world to show us love.
We don’t realize that we won’t be able to spot it if we don’t first love ourselves. We will attract people who will prove we are unworthy and unlovable. We will continue to attack ourselves, looking for any external way to make ourselves lovable—relationships, clothes, makeup, body alterations, and material goods—yet we will also get lost in addictions to food, alcohol, or drugs in order to continue our belief that we are unlovable. We beat ourselves up for our cellulite, shape, hair, and overall look. Then we tell the mirror that’s why we aren’t lovable.
A healthy person can look in the mirror and make changes too, but the difference is that they aren’t doing it to seek outside worth. They aren’t attached to what doing it means for someone else. They may be doing it as way to treat themselves. It’s important to know the difference. When we are feeding a negative self-image, we are creating the darkness within us. Then we aim our darkness at something outside of us to lessen the pain.
As we become more and more aware of the negative cycles and our own unstable foundations, we will get the tools to create lasting change. We can’t get there by building on the same unstable foundations (our negative self-image, self-worth, and self-respect), no matter how pretty we make our house and garden (how we make our outsides look). The house will eventually break down if it’s not on solid and healthy ground. The only thing that’s solid is love. A healthy relationship with ourselves has to come first. All other relationships take our lead, including our relationships with our spiritual lives.
For the brave women ready to look at how unproductive blame is…
Dear Mom and Dad,
How could you do this to me? This is your fault. If you hadn’t treated me like I couldn’t make it, I wouldn’t be a total failure. You never treated me like I could do anything right. You were always correcting me, and now I’m so scared of doing something wrong, I just freeze and need to be told exactly what do in order to feel like I’m not going to be fired. Despite this, I keep getting fired.
If you two would have just let me take some chances, I might not be the way I am today. Seeing you two fighting all the time has made me want to avoid all confrontations. I can’t have a successful relationship to save my life. Do you two even love each other? It seems like you both have to drink just to put up with each other. You set an awful example for me. I’m scared of men because of the relationship you two have.
Why couldn’t you two have just been normal? Why couldn’t you be loving parents who encouraged me to go out there and do my best? Instead, you made me feel like I was a failure if I got anything less than a B. I couldn’t be good enough for you, no matter what I did. Ugh, I wish I had had better parents, because if I had, I would be on Oprah right now sharing my successes.
A Disappointed Me
Blame
If this letter puts you into a spree of blaming all the people who wronged you, you have a front-row seat to how you got here. Becoming aware of where we point fingers and blame is the first step to breaking the cycle. We need to approach it by looking back with different eyes. Our first response may be to blame someone else, a situation, or ourselves, and many of us have been taught that this is natural. “Mommy, Michael hit me.” I won’t tell her that I threw a toy at his head first. Blaming has become a part of everyday politics, religion, friendships, intimate relationships, family dynamics, and overall life. The people we hurt most with blame are ourselves. When we hurt ourselves, even if it is unintentional, we will hurt others. We project the negative energy we carry inside.
•How do you feel when you are blaming someone else?
•Does it make you feel good?
•Does it feel like you are getting any closer to a solution by blaming them?
When we are stuck in a blame cycle, we are also stuck in a victim cycle. This is not to say we are never victims of unacceptable behavior, but the question is: are we choosing to live in victim mentality? Victim mentality is different than being a victim of actions taken against us. With victim mentality, we become victims of the world and everyone in it, including ourselves. We don’t look at our feelings, thoughts, and actions and how they contribute to the reality we are choosing to live in. When we keep the focus on us, we respond to negative situations in a healthier fashion. We stop pointing fingers and start coming up with solutions. When we question blame by asking what we learned from the experience, we shift the power from fear to love. How we got here was a lesson, nothing more, and nothing less. When we focus on blame, we haven’t learned the lesson. We are destined to repeat the lesson until we learn it, or die miserable.
This is not an invitation to self-blame. Self-blame is different from taking responsibility for our feelings, perspectives, and actions. Self-blame involves an abusive element. Self-blame is more destructive than blaming others. Taking personal responsibility shouldn’t turn into convincing yourself how much you suck. When we take personal responsibility for our part, we tell the Universe we are open to learning from experience.
Looking at our fears…
Dear God,
I’m a God-fearing woman. I serve you by serving my family, the less fortunate, and my church community. I live the life I’m told is acceptable to live. When I fail, I come and confess my failings. I know I’m not worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. I do try to prove to you that I’m worthy of walking this Earth. I do and do and do for others, but God, I’m so tired. I don’t know what else I have to give. I keep feeling that, no matter what I do, it’s never enough to satisfy you and get me to Heaven. I’m afraid of facing you and hearing that I could have done more. I fear you will send me to the Devil for all my human failings.
A Fearful Me
Dear Partner,
I’m so scared you are going to leave me. One day you are going to figure out I’m not worthy of your love and you are going to find someone better out there. I feel like, if I’m not with you every second, you are going to find someone else. When you go out with your friends, I’m petrified you aren’t going to come back. Why are you even with me?
A Petrified Me
Dear Boss,
I really want to make you happy. You made an advance at me and I accepted because I really want to keep my job. I love this firm and I don’t want to go out and have to look for another job. I don’t feel comfortable with what happened, and I don’t feel good about myself for not speaking up. I’m so scared of losing my job. What if no one out there thinks I’m good enough? If I make you happy, will I be good enough