The Red House Mystery and Other Novels. A. A. Milne
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HIGGINS. Well, I--well--well! [Exit speechless.]
PHILIP (surprised). Is that all she ever says? It isn't much to worry about.
EMILY. Philip, how could you! I should have been terrified.
PHILIP. Well, you see, I've done your job for two years out there.
EMILY. What job?
PHILIP. Mess President. ... I think I'll go and see about that ham.
(He smiles at her and goes out into the dining-room. AUNT EMILY wanders round the room, putting a few things tidy as is her habit, when she is interrupted by the entrance of UNCLE JAMES. JAMES is not a big man, nor an impressive one in his black morning-coat; and his thin straggly beard, now going grey, does not hide a chin of any great power; but he has a severity which passes for strength with the weak.)
JAMES. Philip down yet?
EMILY. He's just having his breakfast.
JAMES (looking at his watch). Ten o'clock. (Snapping it shut and putting it back) Ten o'clock. I say ten o'clock, Emily.
EMILY. Yes, dear, I heard you.
JAMES. You don't say anything?
EMILY (vaguely). I expect he's tired after that long war.
JAMES. That's no excuse for not being punctual. I suppose he learnt punctuality in the Army?
EMILY. I expect he learnt it, James, but I understood him to say that he'd forgotten it.
JAMES. Then the sooner he learns it again the better. I particularly stayed away from the office to-day in order to talk things over with him, and (looking cat his watch) here's ten o'clock--past ten--and no sign of him. I'm practically throwing away a day.
EMILY. What are you going to talk to him about?
JAMES. His future, naturally. I have decided that the best thing he can do is to come into the business at once.
EMILY. Are you really going to talk it over with him, James, or are you just going to tell him that he _must_ come?
JAMES (surprised). What do you mean? What's the difference? Naturally we shall talk it over first, and--er--naturally he'll fall in with my wishes.
EMILY. I suppose he can hardly help himself, poor boy.
JAMES. Not until he's twenty-five, anyhow. When he's twenty-five he can have his own money and do what he likes with it.
EMILY (timidly). But I think you ought to consult him at little, dear. After all, he _has_ been fighting for us.
JAMES (with his back to the fire). Now that's the sort of silly sentiment that there's been much too much of. I object to it strongly. I don't want to boast, but I think I may claim to have done my share. I gave up my nephew to my country, and I--er-- suffered from the shortage of potatoes to an extent that you probably didn't realize. Indeed, if it hadn't been for your fortunate discovery about that time that you didn't really like potatoes, I don't know how we should have carried on. And, as I think I've told you before, the excess-profits tax seemed to me a singularly stupid piece of legislation--but I paid it. And I don't go boasting about how much I paid.
EMILY (unconvinced). Well, I think that Philip's four years out there have made him more of a man; he doesn't seem somehow like a boy who can be told what to do. I'm sure they've taught him something.
JAMES. I've no doubt that they've taught him something about--er-- bombs and--er--which end a revolver goes off, and how to form fours. But I don't see that that sort of thing helps him to decide upon the most suitable career for a young man in after-war conditions.
EMILY. Well, I can only say you'll find him different.
JAMES. I didn't notice any particular difference last night.
EMILY. I think you'll find him rather more--I can't quite think of the word, but Mrs. Higgins could tell you what I mean.
JAMES. Of course, if he likes to earn his living any other way, he may; but I don t see how he proposes to do it so long as I hold the purse-strings. (Looking at his watch) Perhaps you'd better tell him that I cannot wait any longer.
(EMILY opens the door leading into the dining-room and talks through it to PHILIP.)
EMILY. Philip, your uncle is waiting to see you before he goes to the office. Will you be long, dear?
PHILIP (from the dining-room). Is he in a hurry?
JAMES (shortly). Yes.
EMILY. He says he is rather, dear.
PHILIP. Couldn't he come and talk in here? It wouldn't interfere with my breakfast.
JAMES. No.
EMILY. He says he'd rather you came to _him_, darling.
PHILIP (resigned). Oh, well.
EMILY (to JAMES). He'll be here directly, dear. Just sit down in front of the fire and make yourself comfortable with the paper. He won't keep you long. (She arranges him.)
JAMES (taking the paper). The morning is not the time to make oneself comfortable. It's a most dangerous habit. I nearly found myself dropping off in front of the fire just now. I don't like this hanging about, wasting the day. (He opens the paper.)
EMILY. You should have had a nice sleep, dear, while you could. We were up so late last night listening to Philip's stories.
JAMES. Yes, yes. (He begins a yawn and stifles it hurriedly.) You mustn't neglect your duties, Emily. I've no doubt you have plenty to do.
EMILY. All right, James, then I'll leave you. But don't be hard on the boy.
JAMES (sleepily). I shall be just, Emily; you can rely upon that.
EMILY (going to the door). I don't think that's quite what I meant. [She goes out.]
(JAMES, who is now quite comfortable, begins to nod. He wakes up with a start, turns over the paper, and nods again. Soon he is breathing deeply with closed eyes.)
***
PHILIP (coming in). Sorry to have kept you waiting, but I was a bit late for breakfast. (He takes out his pipe.) Are we going to talk business or what?
JAMES (taking out his match). A _bit_ late! I make it just two hours.
PHILIP (pleasantly). All right, Uncle James. Call it two hours late. Or twenty-two hours early for tomorrow's breakfast, if you like. (He sits down in a chair on the opposite side of the table from his uncle, and lights his pipe.)
JAMES. You smoke now?
PHILIP (staggered). I what?
JAMES (nodding at his pipe). You smoke?
PHILIP. Good heavens! what did yolk think we did in France?
JAMES. Before you start smoking all over the house, I should have thought you would have asked your aunt's permission.
(PHILIP looks at him in amazement, and then goes to the door.)
PHILIP (calling). Aunt Emily! ... Aunt Emily! ... Do you mind my smoking in here?