The Red House Mystery and Other Novels. A. A. Milne
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AUNT EMILY (from upstairs). Of course not, darling.
PHILIP (to JAMES, as he returns to his chair). Of course not, darling. (He puts back his pipe in his mouth.)
JAMES. Now, understand once and for all, Philip, while you remain in my house I expect not only punctuality, but also civility and respect. I will _not_ have impertinence.
PHILIP (unimpressed). Well, that's what I want to talk to you about, Uncle James. About staying in your house, I mean.
JAMES. I don't know what you do mean.
PHILIP. Well, we don't get on too well together, and I thought perhaps I'd better take rooms somewhere. You could give me an allowance until I came into my money. Or I suppose you could give me the money now if you really liked. I don't quite know how father left it to me.
JAMES (coldly). You come into your money when you are twenty-five. Your father very wisely felt that to trust a large sum to a mere boy of twenty-one was simply putting temptation in his way. Whether I have the power or not to alter his dispositions, I certainly don't propose to do so.
PHILIP. If it comes to that, I am twenty-five.
JAMES. Indeed? I had an impression that that event took place in about two years' time. When did you become twenty-five, may I ask?
PHILIP (quietly). It was on the Somme. We were attacking the next day and my company was in support. We were in a so-called trench on the edge of a wood--a damned rotten place to be, and we got hell. The company commander sent back to ask if we could move. The C.O. said, "Certainly not; hang on." We hung on; doing nothing, you know--just hanging on and waiting for the next day. Of course, the Boche knew all about that. He had it on us nicely. ... (Sadly) Dear old Billy! he was one of the best--our company commander, you know. They got him, poor devil! That left _me_ in command of the company. I sent a runner back to ask if I could move. Well, I'd had a bit of a scout on my own and found a sort of trench five hundred yards to the right. Not what you'd call a trench, of course, but compared to that wood--well, it was absolutely Hyde Park. I described the position and asked if I could go there. My man never came back. I waited an hour and sent another man. He went west too. Well, I wasn't going to send a third. It was murder. So I had to decide. We'd lost about half the company by this time, you see. Well, there were three things I could do--hang on, move to this other trench, against orders, or go back myself and explain the situation. ... I moved. ... And then I went back to the C.O. and told him I'd moved. ... And then I went back to the company again. ... (Quietly) That was when I became twenty-five. ... or thirty-five. ... or forty-five.
JAMES (recovering himself with an effort). Ah yes, yes. (He coughs awkwardly.) No doubt points like that frequently crop up in the trenches. I am glad that you did well out there, and I'm sure your Colonel would speak kindly of you; but when it comes to choosing a career for you now that you have left the Army, my advice is not altogether to be despised. Your father evidently thought so, or he would not have entrusted you to my care.
PHILIP. My father didn't foresee this war.
JAMES. Yes, yes, but you make too much of this war. All you young boys seem to think you've come back from France to teach us our business. You'll find that it is you who'll have to learn, not we.
PHILIP. I'm quite prepared to learn; in fact, I want to.
JAMES. Excellent. Then we can consider that settled.
PHILIP. Well, we haven't settled yet what business I'm going to learn.
JAMES. I don't think that's very difficult. I propose to take you into my business. You'll start at the bottom of course, but it will be a splendid opening for you.
PHILIP (thoughtfully). I see. So you've decided it for me? The jam business.
JAMES (sharply). Is there anything to be ashamed of in that?
PHILIP. Oh no, nothing at all. Only it doesn't happen to appeal to me.
JAMES. If you knew which side your bread was buttered, it would appeal to you very considerably.
PHILIP. I'm afraid I can't see the butter for the jam.
JAMES. I don't want any silly jokes of that sort. You were glad enough to get it out there, I've no doubt.
PHILIP. Oh yes. Perhaps that's why I'm so sick of it now. ... No, it's no good, Uncle James; you must think of something else.
JAMES (with a sneer). Perhaps _you've_ thought of something else?
PHILIP. Well, I had some idea of being an architect--
JAMES. You propose to start learning to be an architect at twenty-three?
PHILIP (smiling). Well, I couldn't start before, could I?
JAMES. Exactly. And now you'll find it's too late.
PHILIP. Is it? Aren't there going to be any more architects, or doctors, or solicitors, or barristers? Because we've all lost four years of our lives, are all the professions going to die out?
JAMES. And how old do you suppose you'll be before you're earning money as an architect?
PHILIP. The usual time, whatever that may be. If I'm four years behind, so is everybody else.
JAMES. Well, I think it's high time you began to earn a living at once.
PHILIP. Look here, Uncle James, do you really think that you can treat me like a boy who's just left school? Do you think four years at the front have made no difference at all?
JAMES. If there had been any difference, I should have expected it to take the form of an increased readiness in obey orders and recognize authority.
PHILIP (regretfully). You are evidently determined to have a row. Perhaps I had better tell you once and for all that I refuse to go into the turnip and vegetable narrow business.
JAMES (thumping the table angrily). And perhaps I'd better tell _you_, sir, once and for all, that I don't propose to allow rude rudeness from an impertinent young puppy.
PHILIP (reminiscently). I remember annoying our Brigadier once. He was covered with red, had a very red face, about twenty medals, and a cold blue eye. He told me how angry he was for about five minutes while I stood to attention. I'm afraid you aren't nearly impressive, Uncle James.
JAMES (rather upset). Oh! (Recovering himself) Fortunately I have other means of impressing you. The power of the purse goes a long way in this world. I propose to use it.
PHILIP. I see. ... Yes ... that's rather awkward, isn't it?
JAMES (pleasantly). I think you'll find it very awkward.
PHILIP (thoughtfully). Yes.
(With an amused laugh JAMES settles down to his paper as if the interview were over.)
PHILIP (to himself). I suppose I shall have to think of another argument. (He takes out a revolver from him pocket and fondles it affectionately.)
JAMES (looking up suddenly as he is doing this--amazed). What on earth are you doing?
PHILIP. Souvenir from France. Do you know, Uncle. James, that this revolver has killed about twenty Germans?
JAMES (shortly). Oh! Well, don't go playing about with it here, or you'll be killing Englishmen before you know where you are.
PHILIP.