The Red House Mystery and Other Novels. A. A. Milne
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Well, you never know. (He raises it leisurely and points it at his uncle.) It's a nice little weapon.
JAMES (angrily). Put it down, sir. You ought to have grown out of monkey tricks like that in the Army. You ought to know better than to point an unloaded revolver at anybody. That's the way accidents always happen.
PHILIP. Not when you've been on a revolver course and know all about it. Besides, it _is_ loaded.
JAMES (very angry because he is frightened suddenly). Put it down at once, sir. (PHILIP turns it away from him and examines it carelessly.) What's the matter with you? Have you gone mad suddenly?
PHILIP (mildly). I thought you'd be interested in it. It's shot such a lot of Germans.
JAMES. Well, it won't want to shoot any more, and the sooner you get rid of it the better.
PHILIP. I wonder. Does it ever occur to you, Uncle James, that there are about a hundred thousand people in England who own revolvers, who are quite accustomed to them and--who have nobody to practise on now?
JAMES. No, sir, it certainly doesn't.
PHILIP (thoughtfully). I wonder if it will make any difference. You know, one gets so used to potting at people. It's rather difficult to realize suddenly that one oughtn't to.
JAMES (getting up). I don't know what the object of this tomfoolery is, if it has one. But you understand that I expect you to come to the office with me to-morrow at nine o'clock. Kindly see that you're punctual. (He turns to go away.)
PHILIP (softly). Uncle James.
JAMES (over his shoulder). I have no more--
PHILIP (in his parade voice). Damn it, sir! stand to attention when you talk to an officer! (JAMES instinctively turns round and stiffens himself.) That's better; you can sit down if you like. (He motions JAMES to his chair with the revolver.)
JAMES (going nervously to his chair). What does this bluff mean?
PHILIP. It isn't bluff, it's quite serious. (Pointing the revolver at his uncle) Do sit down.
JAMES (sitting donor). Threats, eh?
PHILIP. Persuasion.
JAMES. At the point of the revolver? You settle your arguments by force? Good heavens, sir! this is just the very thing that we were fighting to put down.
PHILIP. _We_ were fighting! _We_! _We_! Uncle, you're humorist.
JAMES, Well, "you," if you prefer it. Although those of us who stayed at home--
PHILIP. Yes, never mind about the excess profits now. I can tell you quite well what we fought for. We used force to put down force. That's what I'm doing now. You were going to use force--the force of money--to make me do what you wanted. Now I'm using force to stop it. (He levels the revolver again.)
JAMES. You're--you're going to shoot your old uncle?
PHILIP. Why not? I've shot lots of old uncles--Landsturmers.
JAMES. But those were Germans! It's different shooting Germans. You're in England now. You couldn't have a crime on your conscience like that.
PHILIP. Ah, but you mustn't think that after four years of war one has quite the same ideas about the sanctity of human life. How could one?
JAMES. You'll find that juries have kept pretty much the same ideas, I fancy.
PHILIP. Yes, but revolvers often go off accidentally. You said so yourself. This is going to be the purest accident. Can't you see it in the papers? "The deceased's nephew, who was obviously upset--"
JAMES. I suppose you think it's brave to come back from the front and threaten a defenceless man with a revolver? Is that the sort of fair play they teach you in the Army?
PHILIP. Good heavens! of course it is. You don't think that you wait until the other side has got just as many guns as you before you attack? You're really rather lucky. Strictly speaking, I ought to have thrown half a dozen bombs at you first. (Taking one out of his pocket) As it happens, I've only got one.
JAMES (thoroughly alarmed). Put that back at once.
PHILIP (putting down the revolver and taking it in his hands). You hold it in the right hand--so--taking care to keep the lever down. Then you take the pin in the finger--so, and--but perhaps this doesn't interest you?
JAMES (edging his chair away). Put it down at once, sir. Good heavens! anything might happen.
PHILIP (putting it down and taking up the revolver again). Does it ever occur to you, Uncle James, that there are about three million people in England who know all about bombs, and how to throw them, and--
JAMES. It certainly does not occur to me. I should never dream of letting these things occur to me.
PHILIP (looking at the bomb regretfully). It's rather against my principles as a soldier, but just to make things a bit more fair-- (generously) you shall have it. (He holds it out to him suddenly.)
JAMES (shrinking back again). Certainly not, sir. It might go off at any moment.
PHILIP (putting it back in his pocket). Oh no; it's quite useless; there's no detonator. ... (Sternly) Now, then, let's talk business.
JAMES. What do you want me to do?
PHILIP. Strictly speaking, you should be holding your hands over your head and saying "Kamerad!" However, I'll let you off that. All I ask from you is that you should be reasonable.
JAMES. And if I refuse, you'll shoot me?
PHILIP. Well, I don't quite know, Uncle James. I expect we should go through this little scene again to-morrow. You haven't enjoyed it, have you? Well, there's lots more of it to come. We'll rehearse it every day. One day, if you go on being unreasonable, the thing will go off. Of course, you think that I shouldn't have the pluck to fire. But you can't be quite certain. It's a hundred to one that I shan't--only I might. Fear--it's a horrible thing. Elderly men die of it sometimes.
JAMES. Pooh! I'm not to be bluffed like that.
PHILIP (suddenly). You're quite right; you're not that sort. I made a mistake. (Aiming carefully) I shall have to do it straight off, after all. One--two--
JAMES (on his knees, with uplifted hands, in an agony of terror). Philip! Mercy! What are your terms?
PHILIP (picking him up by the scruff, and helping him into the chair). Good man, that's the way to talk. I'll get them for you. Make yourself comfortable in front of the fire till I come back. Here's the paper. (He gives his uncle the paper, and goes out into the hall.)
***
(JAMES opens his eyes with a start and looks round him in a bewildered way. He rubs his heart, takes out his match and looks at it, and then stares round the room again. The door from the dining-room opens, and PHILIP comes in with a piece of toast in his hand.)
PHILIP (his mouth full). You wanted to see me, Uncle James?
JAMES (still bewildered). That's all right, my boy, that's all right. What have you been doing?
PHILIP (surprised). Breakfast. (Putting the last piece in his mouth) Rather late, I'm afraid.
JAMES. That's all right. (He laughs awkwardly.)
PHILIP.