The Red House Mystery and Other Novels. A. A. Milne
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about him for a moment and then rings the bell. It is ten o'clock, and he wants his breakfast. He picks up the paper, and sits in a heavy armchair in front of the fire--a pleasant-looking well-built person of twenty-three, with an air of decisiveness about him. MARY, the parlour-maid, comes in.]
MARY. Did you ring, Master Philip?
PHILIP (absently). Yes; I want some breakfast, please, Mary.
MARY (coldly). Breakfast has been cleared away an hour ago.
PHILIP. Exactly. That's why I rang. You can boil me a couple of eggs or something. And coffee, not tea.
MARY. I'm sure I don't know what Mrs. Higgins will say?
PHILIP (getting up). Who is Mrs. Higgins?
MARY. The cook. And she's not used to being put about like this.
PHILIP. Do you think she'll say something? MARY. I don't know _what_ she'll say.
PHILIP. You needn't tell me, you know, if you don't want to. Anyway, I don't suppose it will shock me. One gets used to it in the Army. (He smiles pleasantly at her.)
MARY. Well, I'll do what I can, sir. But breakfast at eight sharp is the master's rule, just as it used to be before you went away to the war.
PHILIP. Before I went away to the war I did a lot of silly things. Don't drag them up now. (More curtly) Two eggs, and if there's a ham bring that along too. (He turns away.)
MARY (doubtfully, as she prepares to go). Well, I'm sure I don't know what Mrs. Higgins will say. [Exit MARY.]
(As she goes out she makes way for AUNT EMILY to come in, a kind-hearted mid-Victorian lady who has never had any desire for the vote.)
EMILY. There you are, Philip! Good-morning, dear. Did you sleep well?
PHILIP. Rather; splendidly, thanks, Aunt Emily. How are you? (He kisses her.)
EMILY. And did you have a good breakfast? Naughty boy to be late for it. I always thought they had to get up so early in the Army.
PHILIP. They do. That's why they're so late when they get out of the Army.
EMILY: Dear me! I should have thought a habit of four years would have stayed with you.
PHILIP. Every morning for four years, as I've shot out of bed, I've said to myself, "Wait! A time will come." (Smiling) That doesn't really give a habit a chance.
EMILY. Well, I daresay you wanted your sleep out. I was so afraid that a really cosy bed would keep you awake after all those years in the trenches.
PHILIP. Well, one isn't in the trenches all the time. And one gets leave--if one's an officer.
EMILY.(reproachfully). You didn't spend much of it with _us_, Philip.
PHILIP (taking her hands). I know; but you did understand, didn't you, dear?
EMILY. We're not very gay, and I know you must have wanted gaiety for the little time you had. But I think your Uncle James felt it. After all, dear, you've lived with us for some years, and he _is_ your guardian.
PHILIP. I know. _You've_ been a darling to me always, Aunt Emily. But (awkwardly) Uncle James and I--
EMILY. Of course, he is a _little_ difficult to get on with. I'm more used to him. But I'm sure he really is very fond of you, Philip.
PHILIP. H'm! I always used to be frightened of him. ... I suppose he's just the same. He seemed just the same last night--and he still has breakfast at eight o'clock. Been making pots of money, I suppose?
EMILY. He never tells me exactly, but he did speak once about the absurdity of the excess-profits tax. You see, jam is a thing the Army wants.
PHILIP. It certainly gets it.
EMILY. It was so nice for him, because it made him feel he was doing his bit, helping the poor men in the trenches.
[Enter MARY.]
MARY. Mrs. Higgins wishes to speak to you, ma'am. (She looks at PHILIP as much as to say, "There you are!")
EMILY (getting up). Yes, I'll come. (To PHILIP) I think I'd better just see what she wants, Philip.
PHILIP (firmly to MARY). Tell Mrs. Higgins to come here. (MARY hesitates and looks at her mistress.) At once, please. [Exit MARY.]
EMILY (upset). Philip, dear, I don't know what Mrs. Higgins will say--
PHILIP. No; nobody seems to. I thought we might really find out for once.
EMILY (going towards the door). Perhaps I'd better go--
PHILIP (putting his arm round her waist). Oh no, you mustn't. You see, she really wants to see _me_.
EMILY. _You_?
PHILIP. Yes; I ordered breakfast five minutes ago.
EMILY. Philip! My poor boy! Why didn't you tell me? and I daresay I could have got it for you. Though I don't know what Mrs. Higgins--
(An extremely angry voice is heard outside, and MRS. HIGGINS, stout and aggressive, comes in.)
MRS. HIGGINS (truculently). You sent for me, ma'am?
EMILY (nervously). Yes--er--I think if you--perhaps--
PHILIP (calmly). _I_ sent for you, Mrs. Higgins. I want some breakfast. Didn't Mary tell you?
MRS. HIGGINS. Breakfast is at eight o'clock. It always has been as long as I've been in this house, and always will be until I get further orders.
PHILIP. Well, you've just got further orders. Two eggs, and if there's a ham--
MRS. HIGGINS. Orders. We're talking about orders. From whom in this house do I take orders, may I ask?
PHILIP. In this case from me.
MRS. HIGGINS (playing her trump-card). In that case, ma'am, I wish to give a month's notice from to-day. _In_clusive.
PHILIP (quickly, before his aunt can say anything). Certainly. In fact, you'd probably prefer it if my aunt gave _you_ notice, and then you could go at once. We can easily arrange that. (TO AUNT EMILY as he takes out a fountain pen and cheque-book) What do you pay her?
EMILY (faintly). Forty-five pounds.
PHILIP (writing on his knee). Twelves into forty-five. ... (Pleasantly to MRS. HIGGINS, but without looking up) I hope you don't mind a Cox's cheque. Some people do; but this is quite a good one. (Tearing it out) Here you are.
MRS. HIGGINS (taken aback). What's this?
PHILIP. Your wages instead of notice. Now you can go at once.
MRS. HIGGINS. Who said anything about going?
PHILIP (surprised). I'm sorry; I thought _you_ did.
MRS. HIGGINS. If it's only a bit of breakfast, I don't say but what I mightn't get it, if I'm asked decent.
PHILIP (putting back the cheque). Then let me say again, "Two eggs, ham and coffee." And Mary can bring the ham up at once, and I'll get going on that. (Turning away) Thanks very much.
MRS.