The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You. Barbara Angelis De
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of bad, recycled, antiquated advice after another—the kind of advice my grandmother gave my mother at the same time that she informed her she could get pregnant from kissing a man. At first, I thought that I’d misunderstood, that maybe this was one of those comic takeoffs on self-help books. Then, to my horror, as each chapter got progressively worse, I realized that this wasn’t a joke—this was supposed to be serious!
I could hardly believe what I was reading:
“… the man must take the lead …”
“… be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike …”
“… don’t say much, let him do all the thinking, the talking …”
“… he runs the show …”
“… if you don’t get jewelry … you might as well call it quits …”
“… try wearing tight jeans, a miniskirt, or a deep V-necked shirt …”
“… if you have a bad nose, get a nose job.”
“… overweight is not The Rules …”
These weren’t the rules for happiness—they were the rules for messing up your love life and behaving like the worst stereotype of a superficial, submissive woman!!
What I’m talking about goes way beyond any current book—it goes back centuries. They are the very ideas that caused millions of women (including me) to get into bad relationships with men they shouldn’t have even dated in the first place; the very ideas that had trapped so many women into love-starved, meaningless marriages they were afraid to leave; the very ideas that had created whole generations of women with low self-esteem; the very ideas from which I and so many other successful and happy women had spent our whole lives working hard to break free.
I thought about all the unsuspecting women who were desperately putting The Rules into practice, not realizing the price they were eventually going to pay for compromising their honesty, integrity, and self-respect in order to trap a man.
I thought about all the teenage girls reading this junk, believing it was the truth, and getting their first boyfriend by playing games, showing their cleavage, and keeping their mouths shut.
I thought of the inevitable backlash from men who would hear about The Rules and conclude, “I was right—women are just controlling, manipulative bitches.”
Suddenly, I realized that the book I was holding in my hand wasn’t merely amusing, silly, or just incredibly stupid—it was wrong. It went against everything I’ve taught for the past twenty years, and everything I know to be healthy in relationships.
That’s when I knew I had to write The Real Rules.…
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever had her heart broken by falling in love with a man who wasn’t good for her.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever believed she needs to become a man’s perfect-bodied, plastic fantasy in order to get his love.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been afraid to share her real feelings, desires, or concerns with a man for fear that he’ll tell her she’s too “needy and demanding.”
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been so afraid of losing a man that she sacrificed her opinions, her values, and her self-respect.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever lost herself so deeply in trying to please a man that she doesn’t know who she is anymore.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every mother who doesn’t want her daughter to make the same mistakes in love that she did, and every daughter who doesn’t want to end up like her mother.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who dreams of having a relationship with a real man based on real equality—no games, no power struggles, just a loving, intimate, mutually respectful partnership.
And I dedicate The Real Rules to every real man out there who wants a real woman—a woman you can trust and respect who has an honest mind and a loving heart.
I offer this with love, from me to you.
The Real Truth.
The Real Rules …
Barbara De Angelis
When I was a little girl, I believed that the happiest day of my life would be my wedding day. Even though I knew nothing about relationships, I already understood that the day I married the man of my dreams would signify a great accomplishment in my life, as it did in the life of all women—the day I officially captured a man. No one ever actually used the word “capture” in referring to my search for a mate. Yet the message from my family and from society was clear: I was supposed to “find” myself a husband, “get” a man,” “catch” a guy.
It was also clear that in the grown-up world, women who hadn’t “gotten” a man, and, even worse, had never “gotten” married, were to be pitied, like the weak animals in a herd who just couldn’t catch any prey. I’d hear my relatives whisper, “So and so’s daughter is thirty-two, and she’s not married. Poor thing. I wonder what’s wrong with her …”
And so like millions of women throughout history, I got the message: my value as a woman lay in my ability to “get” a man. Somehow, if I didn’t get a man, I would be less of a woman. And if I was lucky enough to get a man with a prestigious job or money or both, then I would be a real winner.
It should come as no surprise, then, that by the time I was seventeen years old, my main goal in life was to be in a relationship with a guy. Looking back, I realize that it didn’t actually matter who he was, as long as I was going steady. Did I ever ask myself if I was really happy? Did I ask myself if he respected me and supported my goals? Did I ask myself if he was everything I was looking for in a boyfriend? Of course not. I just wanted to be part of a couple. I was less concerned with who I was with, than the fact that I was with someone.
Eventually, I went off to college, and this pattern continued. Someone would indicate that he liked me, would chase after me a bit, and I’d get into a relationship with him. (When I recall some of the guys I was involved with, I shudder … you know the feeling, right!!?) Naturally, these relationships never worked. How could they? My goal was the acquisition of a man, not the creation of a really good relationship. I was so busy trying to GET the guy that I never asked myself if I really wanted to be with who I ended up with.
Finally, when I was twenty-one, the big moment arrived. A young man asked me to marry him. Never mind that I wasn’t really in love with him; never mind that I hardly knew anything about him; never mind that we were totally incompatible. This was what I’d been waiting for—a proposal, and so of course, I said “yes.” At last—I’d be Mrs. Barbara Somebody! I’d done it … I’d gotten a man!!
You can imagine, then, my heartbreak when, after five brief but nightmarish months, I found myself getting the marriage annulled. “How could this have happened?” I asked myself in disbelief. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be married.”
It took me many years and several other painful relationships to figure out the answer:
My heart was broken because I’d been following
THE OLD RULE.
What