The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You. Barbara Angelis De
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woman who wants equal pay for your work, equal rights in society, and equal opportunities in your life, how can you offer men anything less than equality in a relationship? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think my boyfriend and I are equal, but I think he should bear the burden of making all the moves in the relationship and be the only one who faces rejection.” That’s just plain selfish, and it’s not playing by THE REAL RULES.
Even if you forget all of the other REAL RULES, when in doubt, go back to REAL RULE #1, and you’ll probably make the right decision about how to act or what to say in a relationship. That’s because your decision will be based on respect and fairness.
What about the OLD RULES idea that the natural order of life is for men to pursue women, that men are like animals that love the chase, and that we have to treat them as such, making ourselves unavailable, making it impossible for them to know how we are feeling? This is disrespectful, demeaning garbage. Saying men love to fight and go to war because they love a challenge, and therefore, you should make his conquest of you as difficult as possible is just as stupid as saying that women love to clean toilets and scrub floors, and that it’s the natural order of things for us to be second-class citizens. Yes, it is true that men have been conditioned throughout history to play the role of the hunter, but that doesn’t mean you have to indulge them in it now by acting like fleeing prey! Why bring out the worst in a man on purpose?
How would you like it if your boss told you he was never going to promote you because you were a woman, and just weren’t as capable as men? How would you like it if you were trying to get a scholarship to attend graduate school and your advisor gave the scholarship to a guy, claiming that women weren’t as smart as men? You’d be outraged, wouldn’t you? Is that attitude any worse than thinking men should be treated with different rules in relationships than apply to you?
REAL RULE #1 says that the simple test for any rule you’re thinking of using as a guideline in a relationship is this: REVERSE IT, making it the man’s rule about his treatment of you, and see if it still seems fair.
For instance, an OLD RULE is: “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.” Now, reverse it, and imagine it’s his rule: “Don’t Call Her and Rarely Return Her Calls.” Does this sound like the kind of guy you’d want to get involved with? I don’t think so …
Let’s try another one: “Don’t Talk to a Man First.” Okay, switch it: “Don’t Talk to a Woman First.” Imagine how thrilling your love life would be if you walked into a party, and knew that all the men were following this rule, and you were going to have to make every move if you even wanted to have a conversation.
I think you get my point. REAL RULE #1 reminds you that for a rule to be valid, it has to be fair. If, on the other hand, you, like many OLD RULES women, have one set of rules for how you get to treat a man, but another set of rules for how he has to treat you, you’re cheating.
So when in doubt, refer to REAL RULE #1. For example, a friend just gave you two tickets to a hot concert, and you’re wondering whether to invite a guy you’ve just started dating. Use the REAL RULE: Would you have liked it if he invited you to a concert? Yes? Well, then go for it. Or let’s say you’re on a date with a man you really like, and you’re having a great time. Should you say anything? Use the REAL RULE: Would you like it if he told you he was having a good time? Yes? So go ahead.
What’s the worst thing that can happen in these situations? You exhibit some kindness, some caring, some enthusiasm, and it isn’t returned … SO WHAT!!!! Even if the relationship goes nowhere, you didn’t lose anything. Whenever you share your goodness, your passion for life, and your heart, you always end up winning, because what you put out into the Universe will come back to you.
REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do
Before we start getting into the more specific REAL RULES, you need to understand REAL RULE #2. This REAL RULE is not so much a behavior as an attitude you have about men when you follow THE REAL RULES. Most important, it’s an attitude that you should carry with you into all of your interactions with men. Men will pick up on this attitude, conclude that you understand them, and be much more apt to open their hearts to you.
I’ve spent over twenty years of my life studying men, giving seminars to men, answering thousands of letters from men, talking to women about men and to men about themselves. I’m here to tell you that, contrary to popular belief, men are just as sensitive as women, and need just as much love and reassurance as we do. This is REAL RULE #2. Every man you’ll ever meet will fall into one of three categories:
Category One—Men you don’t want. There are men who have serious problems in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and integrity. They’re just not ready for a relationship with anyone. These poor guys need a lot of work, though they would probably disagree with that assessment! By the way, these are usually the very men who respond to OLD RULES chase games. (See REAL RULE #3)
Category Two—Perfect, enlightened men with no emotional baggage, no insecurities, and fully developed psychic abilities which allow them to know and fulfill your needs at all times. Needless to say, there is no one in this category, except for a handful of swamis, priests, and monks, and they aren’t available.
Category Three—Men who want a loving,.committed relationship, but just like you, are secretly scared of rejection, afraid of getting hurt, and therefore, need love and encouragement.
It should be obvious that Category One Men are to be avoided like the plague (See REAL RULES #8–13). Category Two men aren’t an option! That means the majority of the men you’ll meet will belong to Category Three.
Here’s the secret truth about Category Three men: they’re not that different from you or any other woman in one significant way—they feel as deeply, and again, they need as much love and reassurance as you do. They may not admit this up front; they may not even admit it after you’re married. But believe me, it’s true. In their hearts, men need to feel loved, to feel special, to feel safe, and to feel they are doing a good job in life and in relationships.
You know how your mind fills you with all kinds of fears when you’re considering letting a man know you’re interested? Men feel the same way when they’re considering approaching you. You know how nervous you feel before a date with a new guy you really like? Men feel the same way before a date with you. In fact, they feel worse, because according to the OLD RULES, it’s the man’s responsibility to make the first move, request the date, make the plans, reach out for affection, all the way down the line to proposing marriage. Think about it—one situation after another where he’s setting himself up for potential rejection.
Here’s a chart to help you understand more about REAL RULE #2:
| MEN’S SECRET DESIRES | MEN’S SECRET FEARS |
|---|---|
| Wants to make you happy. | Fear he doesn’t know how. |
| Wants to please you. | Fear he won’t be enough. |
| Wants to do things right. | Fear he’ll make a mistake. |
| Wants to open up and love. | Fear that you’ll reject him. |
Let me ask you a question: When do you feel safe to really open up? For most women, the answer is: “When I feel really loved.” Guess what … the same REAL RULE is true for men. The more you love and appreciate a good man, the safer he’s going to feel, and the more he’ll open up to loving you.
Applying Real Rule #2 means never forgetting that inside of every incredibly desirable man you’re dying to get close to is a scared little boy who has the same fear of rejection that you have.