The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You. Barbara Angelis De
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the word “powerful” as meaning strong, capable, confident, effective, and impressive, versus feeling powerless—helpless, weak, ineffective, and dependent. Along with feeling powerful, most of us want to feel good about ourselves—we want a strong sense of confidence and self-esteem. And naturally, the more self-esteem you possess, the more capable and powerful you feel, and the more you attract the right people in life.
Well, guess what: every time you put one of the OLD RULES into practice, you are sabotaging your self-esteem and power. THE OLD RULES may seem like a silly, harmless method for getting a husband, but they’re actually much more dangerous than that, because each time you act on an OLD RULE, you’re reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself.
Is This the Kind of Woman You Want to Become?
The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you. You are the hunter, and he is the prey. Your goal is to catch him. But THE OLD RULES say that a man won’t naturally want to make a commitment to you—he doesn’t want to be caught—so somehow, you have to trick him into it:
• You can’t reveal too much about who you are, or he’ll get turned off.
• You can’t show your true feelings, or he’ll lose interest.
• You can’t be too honest, or he’ll become bored with you.
• You have to look unattainable. Then, because he thinks he can’t have you, he’ll want you, and you’ve got him!!!!
This is what THE OLD RULES are all about—methods for getting what you want from a man by being covert, dishonest, and withholding love. There’s a word for this kind of behavior:
Manipulation
Manipulation is the opposite of true power. When you are a powerful woman, you don’t have to manipulate someone in order to get what you want. You don’t have to pretend, play games, hide the truth, or put on an act.
This brings us to the second premise of THE OLD RULES—that you need to figure out what a particular man wants in a woman and become that so you are “easy to be with.” Your goal is to fit into his picture of his ideal woman. You don’t want him to have an excuse to reject you, so you act the way you think he wants you to act: Another word for this demeaning behavior is:
Masquerade
Masquerade is the opposite of true self-esteem and self-confidence. When you truly love and respect yourself, you don’t have to hide parts of your personality from a man so he won’t be “scared off.” You don’t have to lie about your feelings by acting mysterious, or bury your beliefs and opinions beneath a demure smile as you sweetly say, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”
So each time you choose to follow an OLD RULE, you are reinforcing feelings of powerlessness, of low self-esteem: It’s as if you are saying:
“I’m not smart enough, wonderful enough, or interesting enough to get a man to want to spend his life with me just by being me, so I am going to have to manipulate him into wanting me, and masquerade as someone I’m not.”
How the Old Rules Are the Enemy of Your Self-Esteem
Here’s why the Two “M’s,” Manipulation and Masquerade, are the enemies of true power and self-esteem and why THE OLD RULES don’t work:
1. You never develop true confidence when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you got the guy’s interest or love based on NOT behaving naturally, and NOT being yourself, you’ll never feel relaxed, or trust his love for you.
2. You never develop true power when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you used artificial techniques to get a man interested in you, you are DEPENDENT on those techniques to keep him. You can never feel truly powerful when you’re DEPENDENT on something outside yourself.
3. There is a secret formula all men recognize hidden in THE OLD RULES:
M + M = B
This stands for:
Manipulation + Masquerade = BITCH
That’s right, the B word. There’s no other way to say it. It’s a slang term, but we all know what it means.
Try this experiment: Ask any man to read the following description of a woman, and summarize her in one word:
A woman who plays games, acts hard to get, pretends she’s not interested, wants you to be vulnerable and open, but won’t be vulnerable and open with you, acts like she doesn’t need you, judges you by the gifts you give her, makes you pay for everything, and is inconsiderate of your schedule.
I’ll bet you that nine out of ten men say: “That’s easy—she’s a bitch!”
It’s that simple. We can make it sound nicer with more intellectual words, but the bottom line is still the same—following THE OLD RULES, no matter how good your intentions might be, will most likely make you appear to be a bitch to men. The only men who would find that kind of woman appealing are men you definitely don’t want in your life.
What’s the alternative?
THE REAL RULES!!
REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You
REAL RULE #1 is the heart of all THE REAL RULES. It’s not just about love, but about life. Does it sound familiar? It should. Maybe you learned a version of it in Bible class when you were little, or heard it preached at your church or synagogue. Traditionally it’s called The Golden Rule: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In India, it’s called the law of karma: Your good actions toward others will eventually and inevitably produce good effects in your own life; your bad actions toward others will produce undesirable effects in your own life. Or, as we say in America:
“What goes around comes around.”
However you word it, REAL RULE #1 means the same thing: Treat people (in this case men) the way you would like them to treat you.
• If you want a man to be considerate to you, be considerate to him.
• If you want a man to be honest with you, be honest with him.
• If you want a man to be respectful of you, be respectful of him.
• If you want a man to open up to you, open up to him.
Of course, the flip side of REAL RULE #1 is: DON’T TREAT A MAN THE WAY YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU.
• If you don’t want a man to play games with you, don’t play games with him.
• If you don’t want a man to manipulate you, don’t manipulate him.
• If you don’t want a man to be cold to you, don’t be cold to him.
• If you don’t want a man to share who he really is with you, don’t share who you really are with him … Get the point … ?
REAL RULE #1 is based on the belief that, from a cosmic or spiritual point of view, all beings are created equal and have equal value—men aren’t more valuable or superior to women, and women aren’t more valuable or superior to men. Therefore, men