The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Ellen Fein
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he’s busy, or he’s going through something with his father or ex-wife. Business is rough and that’s why he hasn’t called.
He thought you didn’t have a good time on the last date, so he didn’t call.
He hasn’t called because he lost your number.
We can come up with 100 reasons why a man didn’t call. But the bottom line is, if he hasn’t called, he’s not that interested.
We’re not saying he doesn’t like you or that you didn’t have a great date or that you’re not on his mind sometimes, but if he hasn’t actually dialled your number, how interested can he be?
If you have to call him to remind him you exist, something is wrong. Then, if you pursue him and he ever marries you, you’ll have to remind him it’s your birthday or your wedding anniversary or call him at work to get his attention. You might have to initiate sex and holidays. You’ll always have to be the one to call the travel agent because he may think about holidays, but he never gets around to calling. Things are the way they are! This is not the kind of relationship a Rules girl wants to get involved in.
So don’t waste time analysing what you may have done to discourage him from calling. Let it go. No matter what the reason, if he doesn’t call, it’s next!
Rule 8 Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday
It’s quite common these days for men to ask women out for the same night or the very next day. And it’s equally common for women to accept such casual, last-minute invitations out of fear that it will be the best offer they get that week. But this is not a Rules date. The man who eventually wants to marry you will not wait until the last minute to ask you out. On the contrary, he is kind, considerate, thoughtful and also afraid that if he doesn’t pin you down five days in advance, he may not see you for another week. And when he is in love with you, a week will feel like eternity!
Needless to say, men don’t always know they shouldn’t be calling you on Thursday or Friday night for a Saturday night date. Other women have spoiled them by accepting last-minute offers. As we’ve stated, ideally he should ask you out at the end of your last date or call you as early as Monday or Tuesday for the next Saturday night. The Rules will make you foremost on his mind, the first thing he thinks about in the morning. And if you are always on his mind, he won’t want to wait until Thursday to call you.
It may be a telltale sign of how a man feels about you if he doesn’t call you early in the week. The best way to encourage him to phone sooner is to turn him down when he calls on Thursday for Saturday night. Hopefully, he will get the hint. This is not a game. It is essential that men ask you out early in the week because, as a Rules woman, you simply can’t put your life on hold until Thursday or Friday! You have friends and lots of things to do. You need to know ahead of time if you’re going to have a date Saturday night or go to the movies with the girls. When men are calling you as late as Thursday, you become a nervous wreck. You’re frenetically checking your answering machine, or if you live at home, you’re constantly asking your mother if he called. Basically, you’re living on the edge. Rules girls don’t live on the edge. They have plans.
If he hasn’t called by Wednesday night, make other plans for the weekend. Then you must politely decline if he calls Thursday and nonchalantly asks, ‘Hey, pet, what are you doing Saturday night?’
Practise the following answer in the nicest voice possible: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, but I’ve already made plans.’ Don’t break down and go out with him even though you’d much rather do that than hang out with the girls or go out with another man you don’t like as much. And don’t counteroffer by saying, ‘But I’m free Monday.’ Men have to ask you out without your help. But don’t reprimand him for calling so late in the week. Be very nice, but very firm when you say no. Also, don’t say what your plans are because it doesn’t matter. What matters is the message you’re sending, which is: If you want to get a Saturday night date with me, you must call on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
Now you may be saying to yourself, ‘This is all so rigid, lots of men make plans when the mood strikes them, what’s wrong with spontaneity?’ These arguments sound convincing, but the reality is not so pleasant. When Ted first called our friend Beth on a Thursday night for a Saturday night date, she said yes right away. That set a bad precedent for him calling her at the last minute for future dates. Although they went out for a few months, he never thought that much about her during the week and she felt confused by the relationship because she was never sure if she was going to see him Saturday night.
Remember, The Rules are about the long haul. The way a man behaves – rather, the way you allow him to behave toward you – during your courtship is usually the way he will behave during your marriage. For example, if he’s last minute about dating you, he’ll be last minute and inattentive about you in other ways. That’s why last-minute dates are just unacceptable. Men who call ten minutes before they’re going to be in your area to see you may be terrific dates, but how busy and hard to get are you if they can see you in ten minutes? If you give in, these men will end up treating you like someone they can get in ten minutes.
But remember to be very nice when you say no. Don’t think negatively, ‘This man doesn’t think much of me to call right before he wants to see me.’ Or scream, ‘No, I’m busy,’ and slam down the phone. He isn’t thinking that at all. He isn’t thinking that he’s not treating you like a creature unlike any other. Give him a break. Rules girls are an unusual breed. As we’ve suggested, nicely say, ‘No, wow, I wish I wasn’t busy!’ Then sigh and get off the phone. He will soon realize that you simply want to be asked in advance for a date. Again, men are not trying to hurt you when they call at the last minute. Don’t be offended, just train them to call earlier without actually demanding it of them.
Spontaneity is not ‘Hi. Want to see a movie this afternoon?’ That call might have come out of boredom or the fact that the woman he really wants to be with is busy. He didn’t call you in advance, dream about you for a week, and get all excited about putting his arm around your shoulders during the movie. He didn’t think of your date together as something precious that must be scheduled in advance like a reservation at a very exclusive restaurant. Spontaneity is fine, but it should happen during the date, such as an unexpected drive to the beach after dinner.
We often hear about ‘spontaneous’ women who go out with men on twenty-four hours’ notice. We wish them luck. When a man knows he can have you five minutes after his last girlfriend gave him the boot, he’ll call you because he’s lonely or bored, not because he’s crazy about you. In such cases, buyer beware: it won’t last. Free spirits might object to what we are saying, but for long-lasting results we believe in treating dating like a job, with rules and regulations. Just like you have to work from nine to five, no matter how you feel, we believe you have to silently train men to make plans with you (elusive, busy, happy you!) ahead of time. When you do The Rules, what you’re really doing is giving men the secret, silent code that they understand very well. If you make it too easy for men, they’re certain to take advantage and then you can forget about getting a Rules marriage.
We realize that the days in between dates with the man you are crazy about can be long and excruciating; but, remember, it’s worse to say yes indiscriminately whenever he wants to see you and risk him getting bored. If you play your cards right, he will reach the conclusion that the only way to see you whenever he wants, at the last minute, is to marry you!
Rule 9 Fill Up Your Time Before the Date
Most women go on dates with a lot of expectations. They want the man to find them beautiful, to ask them out again and to father their children. Needless to say, these women are usually disappointed. That’s why we have found it very helpful – in fact, essential