The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Ellen Fein
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five times if you have to, reapply your lipstick, powder your nose, order more water from the bar, think happy thoughts, walk around the room in circles until someone notices you, make phone calls from the lobby to your married friends for encouragement – in short, anything but ask a man to dance. Don’t even stand next to someone you like, hoping he’ll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you. You might have to go home without having met anyone you liked or even danced one dance. But tell yourself that at least you got to practise The Rules and there’s always another dance. You walk out with a sense of accomplishment that at least you didn’t break The Rules!
If this sounds boring, remember the alternative is worse. Our good friend Sally got so resentful of having to dance with all the ‘losers’ at a particular party that she finally decided to defy The Rules she knew only too well and asked the best-looking man in the room to dance. Not only was he flattered, but they danced for hours and he asked her out for the next three nights. ‘Maybe there are exceptions to The Rules,’ she thought triumphantly. She found out otherwise, of course. It seems Mr Right was in town for just a few days on business and already had a girlfriend. No wonder he hadn’t asked anyone to dance that night. He probably just went to the party to have fun, not to find his future wife. The moral of the story: don’t figure out why someone hasn’t asked you to dance – there’s always a good reason.
Unfortunately, more women than men go to dances to meet ‘The One’. Their eagerness and anxiety get the best of them and they end up talking to men first or asking them to dance. So you must condition yourself not to expect anything from a dance. View it simply as an excuse to put on high heels, apply a new shade of blush and be around a lot of people. Chances are someone of the opposite sex will start to talk to you at some point in the evening. If and when he does, and you’re not having such a great time, don’t show it. For example, don’t be clever or cynical and say, ‘I would have been better off staying home and watching Friends.’ Men aren’t interested in women who are witty in a negative way. If someone asks if you’re having a good time, simply say yes and smile.
If you find all of this much too hard to do, then don’t go to the dance. Stay home, do sit-ups, watch Friends and reread The Rules. It’s better to stay home and read The Rules than go out and break them.
Rule 3 Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
Looking at someone first is a dead give-away of interest. Let him look at you! If he doesn’t notice you first, he’s probably not interested. Keep walking, someone else will notice you.
Did you know that there are workshops designed to teach women how to make eye contact with men they find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary to make eye contact. What about letting men know you’re receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the room (or the universe, if you will) and looking relaxed and approachable. That’s how to acknowledge a man’s attention, not by staring at him. Don’t look anxiously around for ‘The One’. That is certain to make anyone look the other way. There is nothing attractive about anxiety.
On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Otherwise, he will know that you’re planning the honeymoon. Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. It’s best to seem generally interested in life, in others, in your surroundings, in the paintings on the wall, as opposed to this live prey. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if you gaze at him too much. Restrain yourself. Let him spend the evening trying to get your attention.
One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say. Do you talk about the weather or politics? Should you be intellectual or girlish? If you’re smart, you’ll stay cool and just listen to what he says. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him which one’s you’ve been to and which ones you like. We’re not suggesting that you be an airhead. On the contrary! It’s just that you’re easy to be with. When appropriate, show him that you keep up with current events and have interests.
Early dating is not the time to tell him about your job problems. In general, don’t be too heavy. But don’t be funny if he’s serious. Just go with the flow.
Needless to say, there will be moments on a date when neither of you has anything to say. Don’t feel the need to fill in these silences. You’ll end up saying something stupid and forced. Sometimes men just want to drive in silence without saying a word. Let them. Maybe he’s thinking about how he’s going to propose to you one day. Don’t ruin his concentration.
Don’t feel you have to be entertaining or have interesting conversation all the time. He will think you are trying too hard. Just be there! Remember, men fall in love with your essence, not with anything in particular you say.
If anything, men should be the ones scrambling their brains to come up with clever lines, asking you a lot of questions, and wondering whether or not they’re keeping you interested. Besides, most men find chatty women annoying. We know one man who stopped calling a woman he was physically attracted to because she simply didn’t stop talking. Don’t be like that. As a woman, you probably like to talk, especially about the relationship, but you must hold your tongue. Wait until the date is over and then you can call ten girlfriends and analyse the date for hours.
On the date itself, be quiet and reserved. He’ll wonder what you’re thinking, if you like him, and if he’s making a good impression. He’ll think you’re interesting and mysterious, unlike many of the women he’s dated. Don’t you want him to think about you like that?
Rule 4 Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
Men love a challenge – that’s why they play sports, fight wars and raid corporations. The worst thing you can do is make it easy for them. When a man is trying to set up a date to meet you, don’t say, ‘Actually, I’m going to be in your area anyway’; don’t offer the names of restaurants between your place and his, unless he asks. Don’t say much at all. Let him do all the thinking, the talking, let him flip through the Yellow Pages or magazine listings and call a couple of friends for suggestions to come up with a place convenient for you. Men really feel good when they work hard to see you. Don’t take that away from them.
The Rule is that men are supposed to rearrange their schedules around you, pursue you, take cabs and trains to see you. For example, on their second date, Charles drove forty miles out of his way to see Michele because she was spending the weekend at her mother’s. Most girls would have left their mums in the lurch so that their date wouldn’t have to be inconvenienced. But Michele was schooled in The Rules and knew the right thing to do. The extra miles only made Charles more determined to see her.
Friends and colleagues meet halfway. Men (real men) pick up women at their homes or offices for dates. Always make the place convenient for you. We don’t care where you live.
Invariably, we find that men who insist that their dates meet them halfway or (worse) on their own turf, turn out to be turds – inconsiderate, uncompromising and even miserly. Jane recalls that after cabbing across town to meet Steve (a blind date) at his favourite brunch place, he suggested they split the bill.
Jane, a truly nice person, agreed that it was only fair to pay her share. After all, she made a considerable amount of money as a lawyer and felt it would be ‘unfair’ for Steve to ‘absorb’ the entire cost of the date. Why should he have to pick up the whole tab? That was very nice of Jane, but we assure you that had she insisted that they meet at a place near her, perhaps just for a drink (especially if she didn’t feel right spending his money), Steve would have treated her like a princess, not a co-worker. But since Jane made everything so easy for him, he didn’t treat her well, lost interest, and eventually stopped calling.
It’s not that women aren’t capable of taking public