The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Ellen Fein
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All your movements – the way you excuse yourself to use the ladies room or look at your watch to end the date – are fluid and sexy, not jerky or self-conscious. You’ve been on many dates before; you’re a pro. That’s because you take care of yourself. You didn’t lie in bed depressed, eating cakes before the date. You took a bubble bath, read this book and built up your soul with positive slogans like, ‘I’m a beautiful woman. I am enough.’ You told yourself that you don’t have to do anything more on the date than show up. He’ll either love you or not. It’s not your fault if he doesn’t call again. You’re beautiful, inside and out. Someone else will love you if he doesn’t. All that matters is that you end the date first (see Rule 12).
When you go to singles dances or parties, you pump yourself up. You pretend you’re a movie star. You hold your head high and walk in as if you just flew in from New York on the Concorde. You’re only in town for one night and if some lucky hunk doesn’t swoop down and grab you it’ll be his loss!
You get a drink, a Perrier perhaps, even if you’re not thirsty. It keeps your hands busy so you don ‘t bite your nails or twirl your hair out of nervousness. You don’t show that you’re nervous, even if you are. That’s the secret: you act as if everything’s great, even if you’re on the verge of flunking college or getting fired. You walk briskly, as if you know where you’re going, which is just around the room. You keep moving. You don’t stand in a corner waiting for anyone. They have to catch you in motion.
If you think you aren’t pretty, if you think other girls are better dressed or thinner or cooler, you keep it to yourself. You tell yourself, ‘Any man would be lucky to have me’, until it sinks in and you start to believe it. If a man approaches you, you smile and answer his questions very nicely without saying too much. You’re demure, a bit mysterious. You leave him hungry for more, as opposed to bored. After a few minutes you say, ‘I think I’ll walk around now.’
Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he’ll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don’t offer him your pen or business card. You don’t make it easy for him. Don’t even carry them with you or you may be tempted to ‘help him out’. The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly. You think to yourself, ‘The Rules have begun!’
It’s that simple. You do The Rules and trust that one day a prince will notice that you’re different from all other women he’s known, and ask for your hand!
Rule 2 Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
Never? Not even ‘Let’s have coffee’ or ‘Do you come here often?’ Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?
We know what you’re thinking. We know how extreme such a rule must sound, not to mention snobbish, silly and painful; but taken in the context of The Rules, it makes perfect sense. After all, the premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things namely, that man pursues woman.
By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process. Eventually, he’ll talk to the girl he really wants and drop you.
Yet, we manage to rationalize this behaviour by telling ourselves, ‘He’s shy’ or ‘I’m just being friendly.’ Are men really shy? We might as well tackle this question right now. Perhaps a therapist would say so, but we believe that most men are not shy, just not really, really interested if they don’t approach you. It’s hard to accept that, we know. It’s also hard waiting for the right one – the one who talks to you first, calls and basically does most of the work in the beginning of the relationship because he must have you.
It’s easy to rationalize women’s aggressive behaviour in this day and age. Unlike years ago when women met men at dances and ‘coming out’ parties and simply waited for one to pick them out of the crowd and start a conversation, today many women are accountants, doctors, lawyers, dentists and in management positions. They work with men, for men, and men work for them. Men are their patients and their clients. How can a woman not talk to a man first?
The Rules answer is to treat men you are interested in like any other client or patient or co-worker, as hard as that might be. Let’s face it, when a woman meets a man she really likes, a light bulb goes on in her head and she sometimes, without realizing it, relaxes, laughs and spends more time with him than is necessary. She may suggest lunch to discuss something that could be discussed over the phone because she is hoping to ignite some romance. This is a common ploy. Some of the smartest women try to make things happen under the guise of business. They think they are too educated or talented to be passive, play games or do The Rules. They feel their diplomas and salaries entitle them to do more in life than wait for the phone to ring. These women, we assure you, always end up heartbroken when their forwardness is rebuffed. But why shouldn’t it be? Men know what they want. No one has to ask them to lunch.
So, the short of it is that if you meet men professionally, you still have to do The Rules. You must wait until he brings up lunch or anything else beyond business. As we explain in Rule 22, the man must take the lead. Even if you are making the same amount of money as a man you are interested in, he must bring up lunch. If you refuse to accept that men and women are different romantically, even though they may be equal professionally, you will behave like men – talk to them first, ask for their phone number, invite them to discuss the case over dinner at your place – and drive them away. Such forwardness is very risky; sometimes we have seen it work, most of the time it doesn’t, and it always puts the woman through hell emotionally. By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future. We hope you never have to endure the following torture:
Our dentist friend Pam initiated a friendship with Robert when they met in dental school several years ago by asking him out to lunch. She spoke to him first. Although they later became lovers and even lived together, he never seemed really ‘in love’ with her and her insecurity about the relationship never went away. Why would it? She spoke to him first. He recently broke up with her over something trivial. The truth is he never loved her. Had Pam followed The Rules, she would never have spoken to Robert or initiated anything in the first place. Had she followed The Rules, she might have met someone else who truly wanted her. She would not have wasted time. Rules girls don’t waste time.
Here’s another example of a smart woman who broke The Rules: Claudia, a confident Wall Street broker, spotted her future husband on the dance floor of a popular disco and planted herself next to him for a good five minutes. When he failed to make the first move, she told herself that he was probably shy or had two left feet and asked him to dance. The relationship has been filled with problems. She often complains that he’s as ‘shy’ in the bedroom as he was that night on the dance floor.
A word about dances. It’s become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. Lest there is any doubt in your mind, this behaviour is totally against The Rules. If a man doesn’t bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he’s obviously not interested and asking him to dance won’t change his feelings or rather his lack of feelings for you. He’ll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won’t be crazy about you. Either he didn’t notice you or you made it too easy. He never got the chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out.
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