The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Ellen Fein
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formula, but it really works!
We understand why modern, career-oriented women have sometimes scoffed at our suggestions. They’ve been MBA-trained to ‘make things happen’ and to take charge of their careers. However, a relationship with a man is different from a job. In a relationship, the man must take charge. He must propose. We are not making this up – biologically, he’s the aggressor.
Some women complain that The Rules prevent them from being themselves or having fun. ‘Why should dating be work?’ some ask. But when they end up alone on Saturday night because they did not follow The Rules, they always come back to us saying, ‘Okay, okay, tell me what to do.’
Doing what you want to do is not always in your best interest. On a job interview, you don’t act ‘like yourself’. You don’t eat cake if you’re serious about losing weight. Similarly, it is not wise to let it all hang out and break The Rules as soon as you begin dating a man.
In the long run, it’s not fun to break The Rules! You could easily end up alone. Think long-term. Imagine a husband you love, beautiful sex, children, companionship and growing old with someone who thinks you’re a great catch.
Think about never having to be alone on Saturday nights or having to ask your married friends to fix you up. Think about being a couple! Unfortunately, however, you must experience some delayed gratification in the first few months of the relationship to achieve this marital bliss. But has wearing your heart on your sleeve ever got you anywhere?
There are many books and theories on this subject. All make wonderful promises, but The Rules actually produce results. It’s easy to know what’s going on when you do The Rules. It’s very simple. If he calls you, pursues you, asks you out, it’s The Rules. If you have to make excuses for his behaviour – for example, he didn’t call after the first date because he’s still hung up on his ex-girlfriend – and you have to think about every word he said until your head hurts and you call him, it’s not The Rules. Forget what he’s going through – for example, ‘fear of commitment’ or ‘not ready for a relationship’. Remember, we don’t play therapist when we do The Rules. If he calls and asks you out, it’s The Rules. Anything else is conversation.
If you had ever met Melanie, you wouldn’t have thought she was extraordinarily pretty or smart or special, but you might have noticed that she had a way of behaving around men that put prom queens to shame. Melanie did the best with what she had: she wore makeup and clothes well and acted elusive. Unlike other, prettier girls who ran after men or made themselves available every time a man called, Melanie acted indifferent – sometimes aloof, sometimes nice, but always happy and busy. She didn’t return their calls, didn’t stare at them (a dead giveaway of interest, see Rule 3) and always ended phone conversations first. ‘I’ve got a million things to do’ was her favourite closing line. Melanie’s boyfriend eventually proposed to the one girl he thought he would never get – her!
Who hasn’t met a Melanie? Haven’t we all known women who seemed to be experts around men? Men don’t appear to unnerve these women or trip them up. They have a certain self-confidence around men that has nothing to do with their looks or their jobs. Melanies simply feel good about themselves – they can take or leave men – which makes men have to have them. Call it reverse psychology or whatever you want, but Melanies always get their man.
When you meet a Melanie, especially a plain and simple Melanie, you want to go up to her and ask, ‘What is it, what are you doing that make men run after you? What’s your secret? What am I doing wrong?’ A genuine Melanie would probably say without too much thought, ‘Oh, it’s really nothing.’ The born-again Melanies – former Rules breakers who have learned their lesson after being burned by chasing men – would probably say, ‘Yes, there is a secret. Men love a challenge. Don’t talk to them first, be busy sometimes, turn them down once in a while (nicely!).’
You will find Melanies everywhere you go. Watch them carefully. Observe how they have made self-contentment and independence an art form. They don’t look wildly around to catch men’s eyes. They don’t say hello first. They just go about their business.
It would probably be good practice the next time you are at a social event to stand back and watch the Melanies and The Rules breakers. Compare how the two types of women behave around men and notice the results. Notice how the Melanies intentionally don’t carry a pen with them in order to give men their phone numbers and they don’t rush to give their business cards. Notice the way they move around the room while The Rules breakers stand too long in one place, look anxious or talk too long to one man. They make it too easy for men to ask them out – and, as you will read in this book, that’s a big mistake.
One day, after years of watching girls like Melanie snag the men of our dreams, we asked Melanie how she got such a great catch. She took pity on us and told us about The Rules. She said that we were nice but we talked too much and were over eager, and that we mistakenly tried to be ‘friends’ with men rather than elusive butterflies, or, as she put it, ‘creatures unlike any other’ (see Rule 1).
Needless to say, we were offended by what seemed to us to be downright trickery and manipulation. The Rules would send women back twenty-five years. What would the feminists say? On the other hand, Melanie had what we wanted: the husband of her dreams who adored her. It made sense to rethink our offended psyches!
Melanie assured us that plain-looking women who followed The Rules stood a better chance of being happily married than gorgeous women who didn’t. Thinking back on our own dating history, it did appear that the men we really wanted didn’t necessarily want us. We’d be ourselves, friendly and supportive and they thought we were great – but it ended right there. And, come to think of it, the ones we didn’t particularly care for, the ones we didn’t notice, maybe even snubbed, were the ones who didn’t stop calling, the ones who were crazy about us. There was a message here somewhere: treat the men we wanted like the men we didn’t want.
Simple, but not easy. But what did we have to lose? We wanted what Melanie had. So we did what she did, and – it worked!
4 But First the Product – You!
Before The Rules can be applied for the best, most unbelievable results – the man of your dreams asking you to many him – you have to be the best you can be. Certainly not perfect or gorgeous, but the best you can be, so …
Look your best! The better you look, the better you will feel and the more desirable you will become to him. Maybe other men will start finding you more attractive and asking you out. You will no longer feel that the man you’re currently dating is the only man on earth. You’ll be less anxious and more confident. And when you look and feel good, you’re less likely to break The Rules.
We are not nutritionists, but we do know that eating right – protein, fruits and vegetables – makes you feel good. And that exercise releases endorphins which make you feel happier and more energetic. So, in addition to a healthy diet, we strongly suggest that you shake your buns! Join a gym, buy an exercise video or go jogging in a nearby park (also a great place to meet men who are jogging or walking their dogs). Make exercise exciting by playing music while you do sit-ups.
Diet and exercise and The Rules have a lot in common. Both require putting long-term goals before short-term gratification. You will have to experience a certain amount of discomfort when you can’t eat a cream bun and you can ‘t call a man. But you want to be fit and you want to get married so you do what you have to do. Make friends with a woman in the same predicament and jog together, go to dances together and reprimand each other when either of