The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Ellen Fein
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for the most part, did not pursue careers.
Compare that to women today. Many are financially self-sufficient. They can afford their own homes, cars, holidays, wardrobes and creature comforts. They can even have or adopt and support a child on their own. They no longer need men to get away from their parents or to lead good or interesting lives. But the truth is they want men in their lives – as partners/friends, lovers, husbands/fathers. They can function without men, but they yearn for marriage and children and/or fulfilling relationships.
Who or what can women turn to for dating advice? They may or may not be able to relate to their mothers. Besides, some mothers, trying to be hip and modern or desperate for their daughters to get married and produce a grandchild, will give them bad advice and tell them to call men and pay their own way. (‘Don’t be so picky,’ they tell them.)
Their female friends, conditioned by the social mores of today and with well-meaning intentions, may say ‘Oh, call him if you like him! What have you got to lose?’ If he turns them down, ‘So, what?’ they say.
Well we say:
1 Maybe if you don’t call him, he’ll build up a real desire and call you!
2 A man who is receptive to your advances (without making any of his own) may date or even marry you at your suggestion, but down the road he’ll be bored and ambivalent toward you.
Women have turned to The Rules because it’s the only advice they can count on that works. They’re not retro, they’re fabulous!
Antifeminist? No, as far as we are concerned, there is no conflict between The Rules and feminism. Rules girls can be feminists. We are feminists. We believe in and are grateful for the advances women have made in the last century. How else could we have become authors and formed a company? All women have different definitions of feminism, but to us, it is about getting equal pay for equal work. It’s about women being authors, astronauts, doctors, lawyers, CEOs or whatever they want to be – getting promoted, being treated the same and paid as much as men!
Feminism is also about women believing in their own importance. It is about being fulfilled by our jobs, our hobbies, our friendships. It is knowing that the women in our lives are as important as the men – and treating our friends with respect and consideration to prove it!
But with all due respect, feminism has not changed men or the nature of romantic relationships. Like it or not, men are emotionally and romantically different from women. Men are biologically the aggressor. They thrive on challenge – whether it’s the stock market, basketball or football – while women crave security and bonding. This has been true since civilization began!
Men who respond to The Rules are not sick or stupid, but quite normal and healthy. Your average guy. What would be sick is if a man chased and chased a woman who clearly didn’t want him, who repeatedly said ‘no’ when he asked her out as early as Monday for Saturday night. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a woman who says ‘yes’ to dates when asked a few days in advance and is nice to men on dates. She’s simply not too eager and doesn’t drop everything to see him at a moment’s notice. That way he respects her and wants to be with her and marry her.
Why men are naturally driven by challenge is not important. The point is to do what works to have a successful relationship, which is to let men do the pursuing … in other words, to follow The Rules.
After twenty or thirty years of do-what-you-feel and haphazard dating, most women we know are actually relieved to have rules and boundaries to live by. These women are happy that feminism has helped them get ahead in business and given them financial independence, but they agree that trying to be as aggressive in relationships with men as they are in their careers doesn’t work.
Are we telling women to play games? Some people like to focus on the most superficial aspects in The Rules – the ones most likely to promote controversy – but the book is really about self-esteem, about setting boundaries. Yes, in some ways, you’re playing a game. The game is called liking yourself! The game is not accepting just any treatment from a man. The game is being true to your heart. Everyone knows in their hearts that The Rules work, that this is the way it really is. But some people have to read the book a few times before they get the message that it’s not just about egg timers, lipstick and not returning calls.
The Rules is not an etiquette book – it’s not about how to order wine on a date or which fork to use. While these niceties are important, they’re not what The Rules focus on. The Rules are about saving women – and men, for that matter – heartache. There are many disastrous relationships out there because women either initiated relationships with men or kept them going long after they should have been over. A failed relationship is depressing, confidence-shaking and altogether unpleasant. By following The Rules, you avoid these disastrous results – and these painful emotions.
We had to write The Rules strictly, like a strict diet book, because we knew women would break them. They always sneak in their favourite high-fat meal or a piece of chocolate cake on Saturday nights. With such strict rules, even if women break the occasional rule, they can still reap the benefits of doing the rest.
Even therapists, whom we were sure would find the ‘be mysterious’ part of The Rules objectionable, are actually recommending the book to their clients. They agree that the openness and honesty so necessary in therapy do not work in the initial stages of dating.
Are The Rules too marriage-minded? No, just realistic. Many women want to get married, and why not? It’s great to have a wonderful man to share your life with – end of story. We’re not telling women they’re nothing without a man. It’s just that many women feel that if they don’t marry a nice guy, they’re missing something. It’s a fact. This is how they really feel. It’s not a moral issue. Can they be happy without a husband? Sure. Can you be happy without taking holidays? Sure, but why would you want to?
We are not advocating marriage at any cost. On the contrary, in Rule 42: ‘Buyer Beware’, we explain how to determine if he’s Mr Right. This is a thinking woman’s guide to marriage. This is not about being a Stepford wife.
Indeed, The Rules represents a change in attitude about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed today. It’s going against nature when you chase a man, sleep with him too soon or beg him to marry you. He may end up mistreating you, even if he marries you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and treat you badly.
Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped or that you pressured him to marry you because he did the calling, the pursuing, the proposing.
Rules marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive and involved husbands and fathers. They change diapers, help the kids with their homework and plan family holidays.
The Rules work. They really do. That’s why women who want to be happily married – or at the very least, in a loving relationship – are living by The Rules – and loving the results.
No one seems to remember exactly how The Rules got started, but we think they began circa 1917 with Melanie’s grandmother who made men wait nervously in her parents’ front room in a small suburb of Michigan. Back then, they called it ‘playing hard to get’. Whatever you call it, she had more marriage proposals than shoes. Grandma passed on her know-how to Melanie’s mother, who passed it on to Melanie. It had been a family treasure for nearly a century. But when Melanie got married in 1981, she freely offered this old-fashioned advice to her single college friends and co-workers, like us.
At first, Melanie whispered The Rules. After all, modern