The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Ellen Fein
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the workplace, but not in the romantic playing field. Love is easy when the man pursues the woman and pays for the woman most of the time. He feels that the money he spends on the food, the movie and the cabs is the price of being with you and it’s worth every penny. You should feel honoured, happy, not guilty.
But if part of you feels uncomfortable about him paying for everything, offer to leave a tip or, if the night is a long one – say dinner, a show and three cab rides or parking pay for something small along the way. But don’t pay for anything on the first three dates. Later on, you can reciprocate in your own way: cook him dinner at your place or buy him a baseball cap. If he’s on a tight budget or is a student and you’re worried about him spending tuition money, still don’t split the bill. Instead, suggest inexpensive places to eat and have a hamburger. Don’t order appetisers or more than one drink. There’s always pizza or Chinese food. Suggest movies, museums and cheap outdoor concerts.
It’s nice of you to care about his finances, but remember that he is deriving great pleasure from taking you out. Why deprive him of the joy of feeling chivalrous? Actually, the best way you can repay him is by being appreciative. Say thank you and please. Don’t criticize the place or the food or the service, even if they are plain awful. Be positive. Look for the good in everything. We know one man who became even more enamoured of a girl on their second date because she didn’t complain one word when he couldn’t remember where he parked at a football game. For the whole hour during which they pounded the pavement looking for his car, he kept thinking, ‘What a great girl!’
Many things can go wrong on a date, especially when a guy is so eager to impress you that he ends up making more mistakes – locking his keys in the car, forgetting the theatre tickets and so on. Never use these blunders to make him feel bad. Instead, see all the effort and expense he is putting into the date. Being a good sport could make the difference between being just another date and his future wife.
Rule 5 Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
If you are following The Rules religiously, there is no reason to call him. He should be calling you, and calling you again and again until he pins you down for a date.
To call men is to pursue them, which is totally against The Rules. They will immediately know that you like them and possibly lose interest! Another reason not to call men is so you don’t catch them in the middle of something watching a football game, paying bills, entertaining a friend or even sleeping – when they may not be in the mood to talk to you. Why take a chance?
Invariably, when you call him, he will get off the phone first or quickly and you might misinterpret his busyness as disinterest. You may even think that he’s with another woman! Understandably, you feel empty and nervous for the rest of the day or evening or until you hear from him again. This nervousness might make you call him again to ask, ‘Is everything okay?’ or ‘Do you still love me? Miss me?’ And, you end up breaking more rules!
So, if you don’t want a man to know how much you like him, or that you feel empty and insecure, don’t call him. If he leaves a message on your machine to return his call, try not to. Only call him back right away if it’s a scheduling change regarding an upcoming date or event, not just to chat.
Not calling will leave him desiring you more, make him want to see you again and call you again. It prevents him from getting to know all about you much too quickly and getting bored. Besides, when you call only once in a while, it becomes special.
Don’t worry about seeming rude. When he loves you or wants to get in touch with you badly, he won’t think you’re rude, just busy or hard to get – and men always call again.
Have you ever noticed that the conversation is always better when men call you? That’s because when they call you, they’re doing the dialling, they want you, miss you at that moment and can’t wait to hear your voice. When they call you, they’re the aggressor, they’ve thought about what they’re going to say and have made the time to say it. They’re available!
The Rules work for you when they call you because you may not be home and they’ll wonder where you are or have to call again. When they call you, you might be busy and have to nicely cut the conversation short. It will be easier to do Rule 6: Always End Phone Calls First, when you let them call you.
But none of us are saints, and the reality is that we sometimes have to call men back. Not call them, mind you, just call them back. If, for whatever reason, you have to return a man’s calls, try to wait. Don’t call right back. When you do, keep the conversation short and sweet. Don’t tell his machine what time and what nights you can be reached or volunteer any additional information about how he can reach you. That would be making it too easy for him and you will appear too eager. Let him figure it out! Remember, you’re a Rules girl and you’re very busy! A Rules girl typically comes home to many messages on her answering machine from men trying to fill up her weekends.
Now what if he leaves a message on your machine on Tuesday night and you’re dying to get a Saturday night date out of him? Do you call back Tuesday night? The Rules answer is no because it will seem obvious that you are probably calling to get a Saturday night date. Better that he call you again by Wednesday night (the absolute cut-off) for a Saturday night date. Better not to have a date on Saturday night than to get in the habit of calling him. The Rules are not about getting a date, but a husband. Don’t win the battle and lose the war.
Remember, The Rules are also about not getting hurt or dumped. We never want you to go through unnecessary pain. Life has enough pain without our adding man pain to it. We can’t control cancer or drunk drivers, but we can restrain ourselves from dialling his number. If you call him and he doesn’t return your call or doesn’t ask you out, you’ll be crushed. If you call him, he’ll think you’re not so elusive and he won’t have to work so hard. If you call him, he won’t get trained to ask you out at the end of each date. He has to learn that if he doesn’t ask you out when he sees you, he might not reach you on the phone so soon and not see you for a week or two. It’s not that you’re impossible to get, you’re just hard to get. Remember, you’re very busy with activities and other dates and you make plans ahead of time. But don’t reprimand him for not calling sooner by saying, ‘If you had called earlier …’ Just say, ‘Really, I’d love to, but I can’t’. (He’ll figure out he has to call sooner).
If he’s in love with you, he’ll start calling Monday or Tuesday for Saturday night. If he doesn’t love you, then he won’t call you again and again until he pins you down.
However, don’t be surprised if a man takes a week or two after the first date to call. He may have a lot of things going on or he may be dating other women. He may be trying to fit you into his schedule but just isn’t sure how to do it. Remember, he had a life before he met you! Don’t flip out! Just get busy (so you don’t think about him twenty-four hours a day). Give him space, wait for him to call.
Here’s a good example of how to handle such a situation: Our friend Laura waited two and a half weeks after her first date with David to hear from him. David was newly divorced and needed time to think before jumping into another relationship. A Rules girl, Laura gave him time and space. Unlike most women, she didn’t call to ‘see how he was doing’ or with some other excuse like, ‘Didn’t you say you needed the name of my financial planner?’ Sure, Laura was hurt, but she made plans with friends and went on blind dates. She had a pragmatic attitude. She knew that if he liked her, he’d eventually call; if he didn’t, it was his loss! Next! When David finally called, she was nice and friendly. She didn’t demand to know why he didn’t call sooner and want to talk about it. They dated for ten months and are married now.
One last thought about the phone: sometimes we want to call a man we are dating not to speak to him, but just to hear his voice. We feel that we are simply going to die if we don ‘t hear his sexy voice this minute! That’s understandable. We suggest you call his