Comfortable Chaos. Carolyn Harvey & Beth Herrild
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with the incredible pace at both work and at home, and the infinite number of choices, is there any hope for achieving peace of mind? The answer is a most definite yes! Comfortable Chaos is a realistic and attainable state of being. You no longer need to guilt trip yourself over the need to find “balance.” This word seems to imply that you must get everything lined up just right and then stand on one foot, like a challenging yoga pose, to keep it there. While we will occasionally use the word “balance” in this book, we are not referring to the pursuit of perfection. It’s time to throw out your preconceived notions of what your life is supposed to be like, and get ready to learn the techniques that will bring you to Comfortable Chaos.
Life As a White-Water Raft Trip
The concept of Comfortable Chaos is best explained by using a metaphor: Think of 21st-century life as a wild ride on a white-water raft. There are times when you are riding the rapids and feeling out of control. Instead of doing the impossible, like trying to tame the river, achieving Comfortable Chaos is about learning how to make the most of your trip:
• Enjoy the thrills. Making quick turns with the water rushing all around you is like multitasking with a paddle. The feeling can be exciting and invigorating when you are flying through your tasks, getting a sense of accomplishment, and enjoying your various roles. Comfortable Chaos teaches you how to enjoy the ride.
• Avoid capsizing in the rapids. Sometimes the pace of multi-tasking, along with a hole in your raft (like too little sleep or an overcommitted calendar), can cause you to tip right out of the boat. Since righting yourself in rapids can be very difficult, Comfortable Chaos teaches you how to keep your raft on a more even keel.
• Paddle to a few pools of calm water. A calm pool of water is a necessary change from the rushing of water. Without taking a break to relax and reflect, you lose your ability to paddle effectively in the rapids. Comfortable Chaos teaches you how to create your own pools of calm water and visit them frequently.
Comfortable Chaos is further explained by three concepts: individual, imperfect, and inter-related. We call these the three “I”s and will refer to them throughout the book.
The First I — Individual
The first I in Comfortable Chaos is individual. In our society, comparisons and the need to “keep up with the Joneses” are rampant and destructive. We compare our houses, our cars, our haircuts, our children’s accomplishments, and, not least of all, our work/life choices. Our research shows that women have clearly emerged as the worst gender at making disparaging comments about other women’s choices and lifestyles as a way to attempt to become more comfortable with their own.
We must put an end to the vicious cycle. Comparing your choices to others’ is never a winnable proposition. We firmly believe in what Socrates once said, “Know thyself.” The key to being comfortable with your own work/life choices, otherwise known as your “chaos,” is in knowing yourself and realizing that what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. Situations that are overwhelming for some people may be energizing and delightful for others. Likewise, what is tedious and boring to some of the population, may be perfectly enjoyable to the rest. Comparisons only create a false sense of superiority at best and make you feel discouraged and inferior at worst.
The individual in Comfortable Chaos means taking the time and energy to understand your own personal preferences and tolerances and honoring them regardless of the choices of others. The more you understand yourself, the better able you will be to make conscious, realistic choices that work for you. In the next chapter we offer several tools to help you to better understand yourself.
The Second I — Imperfect
The second I in Comfortable Chaos is imperfect. The concept of Comfortable Chaos recognizes and embraces the fact that nothing, and no one, is perfect. Of course you have heard this before but have you really accepted it and learned to live in imperfection? We will talk much more about the problems with being a perfectionist in Chapter 3 and give you some strategies to overcome this tendency.
One challenge of celebrating imperfection is rejecting the artificially high standards that are thrust upon us by the media. The magazine and television images of a glamorous kitchen with flowing granite counter tops and an impeccably dressed woman talking with her clean and happy children are not realistic. Don’t let those images mess with your head! Real houses with real families have mail and toys on the counters, dings in the wall, and dog hair on the floor. And if you happen to have some friends who seem to live the life in the magazine, just keep in mind that the appearance they project when you are visiting is not necessarily the one they live every day. Even if by some chance it is, remember that everything has a cost. So get over the image of the perfect house, perfect children, and perfect work and begin to enjoy the life you have by using the techniques you will learn in this book.
The Third I — Inter-Related
The last I is inter-related and it means having a holistic or big picture approach to life. Instead of thinking of your life in its various pieces (such as work, parenting, relaxation, and housework), think of everything as being interconnected.
We like to poke fun at some of the traditional “get balance” advice that says things like “fit in some exercise or quiet time by getting up earlier in the morning.” Well, that might work if you are already getting enough or too much sleep. But if you are already shortchanged on rest, reducing it even further will most likely have negative consequences on your work, your parenting, your safety behind the wheel, and your ability to resist Krispy Kreme donuts.
A great example of the importance of a holistic approach comes from learning to fly an airplane. If you are working on getting your instrument rating, there is an exercise you go through to learn to rely solely on your instruments in inclement weather. You don a hood that allows you to see the instruments but not out the windshield or side windows of the plane. You are essentially flying with tunnel vision, without the ability to have a sense of perspective. Your instruments could be telling you that you are relatively level, but when you take off the hood you invariably realize that you are not oriented exactly as you thought you were to the horizon. This can produce quite a sense of dis-equilibrium because you had no perspective of the big picture. Once you are allowed to again view both the instruments and the sky and horizon outside the airplane, it becomes much easier. You may even decide that you don’t need to vomit after all!
Keep this in mind as you go through your day. Being able to see, and realizing how each thing is oriented in relation to other things, will keep you flying steady. Seeing the big picture is paramount for thriving in today’s world. You’ll learn some techniques for doing this in Chapter 4.
You now have a basic understanding of Comfortable Chaos, and it’s time to dig deeper into individual, the first I, by learning more about your preferences, priorities, and tolerance for chaos.
2
Your Coefficient for Chaos
Lindsey and Nicole work in the same office as recruiters for a software company. Both enjoy their jobs but they often wonder if they are from the same planet! Lindsey’s desk is covered with copies of the positions she is trying to fill, along with résumés and sticky notes covering the various piles. She jumps on the telephone and goes back and forth between the openings she is working on — happily intermixing calls to candidates with e-mails to the hiring managers. She runs her personal life in much the same way. Her three kids are enrolled in numerous activities and she is constantly coordinating the family’s complex social calendar and is quick to add anything that sounds interesting. At the end of the workday it is not uncommon for her to be dashing out, always slightly late, to three or more evening commitments.
Nicole works in the cubicle next to Lindsey and her space has a much different appearance. She keeps all the material for each job opening in neat folders and although she may have several on her desk at