Comfortable Chaos. Carolyn Harvey & Beth Herrild
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is at in the process. She likes to make all her candidate calls in the morning when she feels most energetic and she groups her data entry tasks to do in the afternoon. At home she has two children but she is very selective about any evening activities and prefers to have the kids take turns participating in a sport. She recognizes that she needs a certain amount of downtime so she and her husband religiously have dinner completed by 6:30 p.m. and get their kids to bed by 8:30 p.m.
Lindsey and Nicole are both top recruiters in their office and even tied last month for the elite performance award. As friends they have lots to talk about, but each secretly wonders, with a tiny bit of judgment, how the other can work like that. The reason they have such dissimilar work styles is because they each have very different “coefficients for chaos.” What is comfortable and enjoyable for Lindsey may be a nightmare for Nicole, and vice versa.
As you remember, the first I of Comfortable Chaos is individual. By individual, we mean “know thyself,” and the first step in shifting toward Comfortable Chaos is to get a clear picture of your uniqueness. Only you will know what is right for you. In this chapter you will discover your personal coefficient for chaos, which will provide a glimpse into your authentic preferences.
Determining How You Are Spending Your Time
Before you can determine your coefficient for chaos, you need to know how you’re spending your time and determine if it is in alignment with your priorities. So let’s start with a simple, but powerful, exercise.
In Exercise 1, you will create a pie chart that reflects how you spend your time. Each piece of the pie will represent the average amount of time that you are spending on that activity.
Start by deciding on your main categories. Many people choose things such as work, home maintenance activities, caring for children — but only you can determine the categories that are meaningful to you. Do this quickly without overthinking the categories. Follow your gut feeling about where you spend your time in general. Obviously there will be specific days or periods of time that are not “typical,” but this is intended to be a high-level view. Next, draw relative sections of the pie to roughly indicate the percentage of your time devoted to each category. Don’t get caught up being too exact.
In this example, Joan has chosen her categories rather broadly:
In this example, Susan made her categories a little more detailed:
Now go ahead and decide on your categories and complete your pie chart.
Once you have completed your “as is” pie chart, move on to the circle below and draw how you would spend your time in utopia. Suspend your rational mind for a moment and think how you would ideally like to divide your time.
Exercise 1: Where Does My Time Go?
Now that you have completed both views of your time, what do you notice? Here are some specific questions to ask about your results:
1. When you look at the categories you chose for the “as is” pie chart, is anything missing? Some of our seminar participants have been a bit embarrassed to admit that time with their spouse or partner didn’t show up on either chart! Many people notice with interest that sleep was not on their first chart.
2. Which slices of your pie are too small? Maybe it’s time with friends or time for you. How much time would you need to add to each of these slices to enjoy the benefits?
3. Are there any chunks of time on your “as is” chart that feel like they are too big? Some people look at the significant amount of time they spend on something like home maintenance and make the decision to hire a housecleaner or someone to mow the lawn. At the same time, other people find joy and great satisfaction in caring for their home and/or yard.
4. Looking at your “utopia” chart, what new categories did you add and which “as is” categories did you expand or contract? The utopian chart isn’t just in case you win the lottery — you can take some steps to get your “as is” chart to look more like the utopian version. Making even small changes will feel great. For example, if your utopian chart has time to exercise but your “as is” chart is missing it altogether, look for ways to add a small slice of exercise to your day. If two things like exercise and time with friends are both missing, perhaps you can find some creative ways to combine them.
The overall goal is to be honest with yourself about where you want to be spending your time. After all, you only get one life!
Aligning Your Time with Your Treasures
Now that you have an understanding of where your time goes and your vision of utopia, the next step is to make the link to priorities. A great deal has been written about identifying your values and priorities but the Comfortable Chaos approach is to give you a shortcut.
Picture yourself at about age 85 and imagine yourself looking back on your current phase of life. You are of course healthy, vibrant, and, thanks to new youth-enhancing beauty treatments, looking quite lovely. As you remember this time with young children, or whatever phase you are in, what memories do you want to have? Maybe it’s family dinners. Maybe it’s achieving a certain career goal. Maybe it’s the time you spent curled up on your window seat reading. Maybe it’s vacations to exotic parts of the world. Or maybe it is stress-free summer vacations with lots of time for everyone to do nothing.
If you have children, also think about what memories you would like them to have. They may overlap with some of yours but there could also be some uniquely kid-inspired ones. What are some of your favorite childhood memories? What do you wish they were?
This “memories” exercise can help you clarify your priorities for this point in your life. What will be really important in 10 years and 20 years? Keep in mind that not all your goals, ambitions, and hopes are likely to be satisfied in one segment of your life. For example, you may have a goal to climb Mount Everest. However, if you currently have young children, this may not be a realistic priority right now. But it doesn’t mean it can’t be a priority when they get older. Perhaps you can find another goal for the short term, such as joining a rock-climbing gym and taking a class.
When asked about her priorities, Nancy, one of our interviewees who is a parent, grandparent, and working professional, said, “My priority is to have the time and money for relationships. For most people, there is a trade-off between time and money. You never have enough of each — and in the end it isn’t going to matter. You will run out of time and you will die penniless. Relationships and what you did to contribute are what matters.”
Nancy’s statement is one person’s high-level view on priorities. As you think about your current priorities, try and be specific to this period of time and include the details. For example, you may list “children” as a priority. But what about raising children is a priority? Is it a private school education? Is it a certain parenting style? Or perhaps a specific value system? The implications of each are different so be precise about each priority. Use Exercise 2 to jot down your current priorities. You don’t need to be 100 percent sure that this is your “final answer.” You can change and update them whenever you want to, but it is important to periodically put them down on paper.
Exercise 2: My Current Priorities
The next step is to look back to your “as is” circle chart from Exercise 1 and see if your time is being allocated in a way that supports your priorities. You may look at some of the larger pieces and