Comfortable Chaos. Carolyn Harvey & Beth Herrild
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image but got very little gratification. Instead, you are tired and cranky the entire next day, which prevents you from being as efficient as you would like at work and causes you to snap at your children. Is this really excellence?
Remember that perfectionism is not a badge of honor — it only feeds the corporate beast. Let go of the perfectionist approach and you will take back a good chunk of your life.
Remember Your Priorities
“You can say ‘no’ and smile only when there is a bigger ‘yes’ burning within you.” This wonderful quote was spotted on a desk calendar and the author is unknown. The message is so right on — you’ll never know when to say “no” unless you have clearly identified your personal “yesses.”
By identifying your priorities in Chapter 2, you have made them conscious and therefore more powerful. To make sure they stay fresh in your mind, consider displaying them in places where you need a reminder before taking on new commitments. For example, jot them in your calendar or daily planner or enter them in your personal digital assistant (pda). Maybe you will just need a key word like “priorities” to serve as your cue.
Don’t feel bad if you find you constantly have to return to focusing on or updating your priorities. Donna, who is a school psychologist and has extensive training on identifying values and priorities, recently found herself out of sorts. She was running at full speed and realized that her commitments had become overwhelming. So she made time to sit down and review her priorities. “I feel so much better,” she later said. “I knew I wasn’t spending my time where my priorities lie, but until I really took the time to compare my commitments to my priorities, I was unable to get off the hamster wheel.” Donna is still performing her job duties well, but she is now making the time to eat more healthily and exercise.
To prevent yourself from reaching a crisis like Donna, don’t answer immediately when you are asked or tempted to take on a new project or opportunity. Instead, ask yourself, “Does this time commitment support or detract from my priorities?” This is the essence of many time management programs but we all need to be reminded of this simple step. It’s too easy to get caught up in the excitement of something new or the seduction of helping out and being a team player. These are all definite attractions but unless they fit with your current priorities, you may later feel resentment about the task and frustration about not having the time for what really matters to you.
Know Your Worth
If you know your strengths, skills, and priorities, it’s much easier to play give and take with the beast. Of course, “tooting your own horn” is not something that comes naturally for most people, especially for many women who were taught to downplay their strengths and talents. But it’s well worth it to overcome the good girl syndrome. This is critical in all of your roles as a parent, spouse, employee, and employer — because only when you know your value are you able to leverage your reputation to get more of what you need.
For example, if you work outside the home, you have probably negotiated something at one time or another — whether it was for a modification to your work assignment or for the opportunity to go to a professional conference. Some of these negotiations may have felt relatively easy but your success was tied to your past behaviors and results more than you probably realized. Your ability to get things done is your negotiating strength. Sometimes you don’t even have to play this card, but other times you may need to tie your past success to a new request. Be prepared with an inventory of your skills and accomplishments. Update your résumé just for the practice of putting it on paper. Having a mental picture of your résumé will allow you to draw on key points during your negotiation.
If you are a stay-at-home parent, you might be thinking that this doesn’t apply. But if you reflect on all the roles you play at home and what it would cost if someone had to pay for all the services you provide, your worth suddenly has a dollar value. Just knowing this can boost your self-esteem and will carry over to how you perform your job at home. You can also inventory your skills just like you would on a professional résumé. As a stay-at-home parent it is easy to lose your sense of equality in the partnership when you are not the one bringing home the paycheck. Help yourself, and your partner, to see your contributions to the family by listing them on paper. You can use this as a tool in a discussion with your partner to jointly decide on which tasks are not critical and are not deserving of your time.
Knowing your worth is an essential part of controlling the beast. By feeling confident about your strengths, you can march ahead with confidence and pride.
Operate in Your “Want and Can” Area
If perfectionism had a cousin, it would be control. You probably know exactly what we’re talking about since we all have at least some desire to control things. But what we choose to control has a huge impact on our quality of life.
If your days are jammed packed with activities and commitments, how do you describe your life? Do you say “my life is full, busy, and happy,” or do you say, “I’m always so stressed, busy, and tired.” On the one hand, if you are choosing the right things to control, you are probably enjoying the “life is full and happy” feeling. On the other hand, if you have a high need to control and expend a lot of energy regulating everything all the time, you will be worn out and frustrated.
So how do you know if you are controlling the right things? Part of the answer lies in determining your “want and can” area. Take a look at Figure 1.
Figure 1: Determining Your “Want and Can” Area
The circle on the left represents everything you want or believe you need to control in order to have a happy and fulfilling life. The possibilities are numerous. Wouldn’t it be great to control everything from your schedule to your manager to your children’s behavior? The circle on the right represents what you actually can control. This is the reality circle. It contains only the things you actually have the ability to control.
The shaded section, where the circles overlap, is ideally where you should be spending your time. These are the things you both want to control and have the ability to control. We call this the “want and can” area or WaC for short. Notice that this is a much smaller area than either of the circles and that’s why it can be challenging to stay in the shaded area. It’s very easy to get out of WaC! To further illustrate this concept, we will use two examples and then invite you to analyze your own tendencies about control.
First, let’s take a look at someone who is operating primarily in the left-hand circle (what you want to control). Mike is a project manager at a software company and also has a wife and three children. He has a high need for control both at work and home. At work he is often frustrated when a change in the software requirements causes him to get off schedule and have to completely redesign the project. He also has a new manager who is eager to merge his department with another one — a plan that Mike disagrees with. Mike has spent lots of time diplomatically countering his boss’s proposals. At home, Mike prefers a neat and tidy house, while his wife is much more comfortable with clutter and mess. When he is home he often spends most of his evening picking up the toys and feeling resentful about it.
Mike’s situation is depicted in Figure 2.
Figure 2: What Mike Wants to Control
Mike is spending most of his time in the left-hand circle and only a few things are falling into his shaded area. He could save himself a great deal of frustration if he identified what he can truly control and focused his time in the shaded area where the two circles overlap. He should also decide to let some left-hand circle items go or redefine them so they are in his “want and can” area.