A Cure for All Diseases. Reginald Hill
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tart anyway – Daph really put the boot in by serving him notice to quit the Hollis farm – which she was legally entitled to do.
Happy families – eh? Makes our lot seem right cosy!
At least Hen has the satisfaction of knowing Daph has no way of stopping him getting Millstone back – if he outlives her. But the others – that is the Denhams – & cousin Clara – are going to have to sing her song for whatever supper she may leave them. Mary shows little sympathy for the bart & his sister – but she purses her lips on Claras behalf – implying her position in the household is less honoured guest than unpaid housekeeper & general factotum!
Made me feel guilty about bad-thinking her – Clara I mean – now I know shes a poor relative – probably shivering in an attic bedroom – & scrubbing floors & cleaning grates for her daily gruel – & brawn on Sundays!
– so Lady Denhams a bit tight with money? – I said – stopping short of Uncle Sidneys phrase.
– you could say that – said Mary.
– but she is throwing this big hog-roast party next Sunday – I said.
Mary did the pursed lip thing again. (I really must practice it! Might come in useful when patients ask my opinion about their amatory feelings towards their livestock!)
– the event is financed by the Consortium – she said – all Daphne Brereton is providing is the location. The Hope and Anchor – which she owns – is supplying the drink – & I gather shes even charging the Consortium for the Hollis pig – so – as usual – she will end up making a hefty profit! –
Interesting – eh?
Spent the evening playing snap with the Parker kids. Found it hard not to do a Headbanger & win all the time – so I rang home – just to remind myself what I was missing. Nice chat with mum – then dad came on. In a good mood – got the house the way he likes it again – no visitors – just him – mum – George plus the twins – & me where he likes me – at the end of a phone line – where were both at our best!
Told him about the escaped convie – Mr Deal – aka Dee Ell – who claimed to know him.
– big bugger? – he said – looks like his mam got put to stud with a prize bull? –
Got a way with words – our dad – but I had to admit he was on the ball here.
– aye – I remember him – Andy Dalziel – (He spelt it out) – hes a copper – dont know what he does to crooks – but he used to kick the shit out of us on rugby field –
– he remembered you fondly too – I said – called you Stompy –
– remembered that – did he? – said dad – sounding like he was touched – Not a bad sort – Dalziel – long as you dont cross him. Hard man to knock down – bet he dented Parkers car! – It were him that got blown up by them mad buggers earlier this year – you probably read about it – if you had time to look at a paper – between disco-dancing & getting drunk –
Interesting view of higher education – our dad!
– thats probably why hes at the convalescent home – I said.
– theyll have their hands full – he said – give him my best if you see him again –
I said I would – but not much chance – I think. Probably got him in a padded cell after his escape trick the other day!
So now to my lonely bed – thinking of you all tangled up with the bronze bonking machine! Just cos Ive given up men forever doesnt mean I cant enjoy them vicariously – so – give him one for me!
Lots of love
Charley XX
Morning, Mildred!
They’ve still got me banged up in bed, so I might as well talk to myself. At least I’ll hear some sense!
No. Be fair. Like me old mam used to say, there’s some folk you needn’t be kind to, but you should always try to be fair with everyone.
I thought I’d wake up with the dawn the morning after the great escape and feel right as rain. Instead it were nigh on midday and I were busting for a piss, but when I slid out of bed, I almost fell over. Felt worse than I’d done in the Central.
Matron appeared like a flash – mebbe she’s got me bugged!
‘Mr Dalziel,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t be up!’
‘Shouldn’t I?’ I said. ‘It’s either that or I’ll be floating out of here on my mattress.’
She had the sense not to suggest I use one of them bottles, but slung my arm over her shoulders, grabbed me round the waist and together we staggered into the bathroom.
‘There,’ she said. ‘I’ll just tidy up your bed, then I’ll be back for you.’
‘Take your time,’ I said. ‘I’m going to.’
I left flushing the bog till after I’d got washed up so’s she’d not have any advance warning and come rushing to help. Two quick steps from the bog to the doorway and I had to stop for a rest.
Matron were standing by my newly made bed, holding my recorder.
‘Found this in your bed, Mr Dalziel,’ she said.
‘Oh aye. It’s a sex aid,’ I said.
‘Really?’ she said, holding it to her ear. ‘What’s it play? Beginner’s instructions?’
Cheeky cow! But I had to laugh. And she grinned too, like she knew that my only interest in bed that moment was getting into it and going back to sleep.
I went forward at a stagger, grabbed the recorder off her and fell across the mattress. She tutted and pulled the duvet over me.
‘I see you’ve got a visit scheduled tomorrow,’ she said. ‘Hope you can get down to your physio session in the morning or we may have to cancel it.’
But she was grinning as she said it.
Bit more to her than I reckoned. Could make summat of her yet! But need to be careful now she’s set her sharp little eyes on this thing. Think I’ll tuck it between my legs before I go to sleep. If anyone can get it out of there without me noticing, then I’m really knackered! But I’ll need to find a better place to hide it permanent if I don’t want them having a right giggle in the nurses’ room. Old trick, wrap it in a plastic bag and stick it in the lav cistern. First place a cop ’ud look, but cops are one thing I don’t need to worry about just now!
So, head down, and hope I can skip them funny dreams I keep on getting and work on a nice little fantasy about Cap instead. Roll on tomorrow. Couple of hours with Cap’s all the physiotherapy I need!
OK, Mildred, I should have listened to you and put my woolly vest on!
Bad night. Didn’t get my hoped-for fantasy about Cap but another bunch of them daft dreams about floating around and talking to God!
But my physio went well. Tony tutted a bit when he looked me over. But by the time he’d finished, I were feeling lish enough to reckon I could give Cap the welcome she deserved!
First, though, I had to put up with her giving me the bollocking she thought I deserved! Blabbermouth Festerwhanger must have really laid it on thick about how much damage I could have done to myself going over the wire.
I tried playing it down, doing the big bull thing, saying, ‘Come here and I’ll