A Cure for All Diseases. Reginald Hill
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if they tell you to start the day with an ice bath, you bloody well take it! If I wanted a eunuch, I’d have looked in the Istanbul small ads.’
She’s got a real lip on her, Cap.
She’d brought my civvies as promised and it were only by promising to be a good little patient and do what matron tells me that I stopped her from taking them back.
When I asked if she had any news from the Factory, she said nothing, except that Pete had told her everything was going fine and nobody was missing me. He’d asked her about visiting me. I told her no way, not till I were properly up and about. He’d seen me at the Central while I were still good for nowt. Next time he saw me, I wanted to be back to something like full steam, else he might start feeling sorry for me. I don’t doubt the vultures are already circling over the Factory and if Pete comes back from a visit with a long face, they’ll be flapping to land!
Cap said I were daft, I needed my friends. I said I knew what I needed better than her, and she rolled her eyes and said that what I clearly needed was another week in bed. And not long after she took off. Said she wanted to walk over to the nursing home and see her old headmistress who’s on her last legs, it seems.
Her parting line was, ‘Maybe that’s where I should have put you, Andy.’
I saw her out. As I made my way back to my room, who should I see coming out of it but Franny Roote!
‘What the hell are you doing?’ I demanded.
‘Looking for you, of course, Andy,’ he said. ‘A few of your fellow convies – sorry, convalescents – are interested in Third Thought, and after I finished with them, I asked Pet where I’d find you.’
‘Pet?’ I said.
‘Nurse Sheldon. I’d have thought you’d have been on first-name terms by now, Andy’
‘Well, we’re not. And neither are you and me,’ I said grimly. ‘Now bog off!’
I wasn’t in the mood for chatting with Roote, not the way things had gone with Cap. Don’t know who it was said that pleasures are always paid for, but the bugger got it right. My pleasure had been a couple of pints of ale, one of which I didn’t really enjoy, and here I was, still paying for it.
Which reminds me. I owe yon fellow Parker twenty quid. Well, it will have to wait. I know its only tea time, but I need my beauty sleep!
| FROM: | [email protected] |
| TO: | [email protected] |
| SUBJECT: | titled hunks & legless wonders |
Hi!
No reply yet to mine of yesterday. Too busy? Doing what? – I ask myself.
Well – Im busy too – but its not going to stop me finding time to tell you all about it – which youd better read – therell be a test!
If theres anyone left in Sandytown that I havent met yet – anyone of importance I mean – they must be living in a cave! Late breakfast this morning – Tom & Mary said I should ignore all sounds of early reveille – their kids like kids everywhere want to sleep forever during term time but are up with the lark in the hols. Minnie – I suspect – must have got a death threat warning to keep her away from my door – but it worked – & I didnt come down till half ten!
Just enjoying a coffee with Mary – Tom I guess was out even earlier than the kids! – when the doorbell rang. Mary went to answer it – & came back with this hunk – in tight black motor cycle leathers – & you know what they can do for a guys figure.
Not that this one wouldnt have looked good in pinstripes.
6′ 2″ — handsome as hell – in that old fashioned Hollywood kind of way – before the new 3 day dead look came in – athletic build – wide shoulders – narrow hips – lovely bum – not bronze exactly – his face I mean – dont know about his bum – yet! – but a very even & natural looking light tan! OK – he clearly thinks hes Gods gift – but like the man said – when you got it – baby – flaunt it!
This was Teddy Denham – Sir Edward Denham no less – Lady Ds nephew-in-law – & one of her hopeful heirs! Having heard from Lady D that Tom was back – hed come straight round to say hello – & check on the now famous ankle.
Mary introduced us – & he said Lady D had mentioned me – with a bit of a grin to suggest I might be amused by the terms of the mention – & he shook my hand – with enough warmth to make it personal.
My gaze had been so fixed on him that I hardly noticed his companion – which was OK – as she made it pretty clear she didnt really think me worth noticing either!
This was his sister – Esther – beautifully turned out – beautiful too if shed give her face a chance. Thought she looked a bit familiar at first glance – but her first – & only – glance at me when introduced made me change my mind. Reminded me of dads comment about the vicars wife – like shed bent to sniff a flower & found it were growing in a cow-pat! If anyone had looked at me like that before I think Id have remembered.
She looked like her idea was to say hello-goodbye! – but he said yes hed love a coffee – & sat down beside me – & soon we were chatting away like wed known each other for ever. After ten minutes – Tom turned up. He & Teddy greeted each other like old mates – Esther gave him a condescending cold fish nod – which he took like it was a loving hug! Then Teddy asked after Toms ankle & got the full miracle recovery story.
– of course – declared Tom – I benefitted from instant & expert first aid from our dear friend Charlotte here – (this got me a well arent you the talented one grin from Teddy the bart) – but – Tom went on – I feel I must also give credit for the incredible speed of my recovery to Mr Gordon Godley of Willingdene – (he stressed the long e & smiled at me as if to say he was glad of the error that had led to me being here in Sandytown) – the famous healer whom I hope to entice to join our caring community –
As he spoke – he did a little jig to demonstrate his recovery. Esthers face had screwed up like a pigs bum at the mention of healer – & when she saw the jig I thought she might vomit in disgust. Fortunately for the high polished floorboards her mobile rang at that moment. She looked at the caller display – & her face rearranged itself so quick it might have been computer-enhanced.
– Aunt Daphne! – she trilled – how are you? –
She rose & moved away – not with the usual sorries most of us mutter when the mobile catches us in company – but more like shed have preferred the rest of us to move out of the room & leave her sitting!
But the change of expression revived my first impression – now I was really sure Id seen her before – or her twin! Remember – last December – the skiing in Switzerland near Davos – I gave you a full account about me & louse Liam – unlike the censored stuff youre giving me! Dad did his nut – till I assured him Id be back for Xmas – & it was costing hardly anything – travel by bus – hostel accommodation – bunk beds in dorms – which made him think – wrongly! – naughties would be out of the question. But it was George asking if he could come too that persuaded dad to cough up the readies. The HB thought George would be a chaperone – I thought hed just be a bit of a drag – but we were both wrong! In the end – like I told you – turned out he was getting as much action as I was!
Anyway – our après-ski consisted of a beer-swilling disco in the Bengel-bar – cross between Willingden Village Hall & the Black Hole of Calcutta – where all the impoverished young stuff went – & thats where Id