A Cure for All Diseases. Reginald Hill
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– its in all the textbooks! – & next day hed met him on the piste & they had a bit of a race – which G lost. G was clearly impressed that a skinny fellow like Emil should be able to beat him at skiing – & – I suspect – tho he didnt spell this out – should have such a big whang! Must ask G when I ring home. She didnt have a name – just an initial – Ess – & one of my mates – watching the way they danced – christened them Ess & Em – which I had to explain to George – who thought it was the funniest wordplay since madam Im Adam – remember? – & rewarded my mate accordingly!
But still couldnt believe dirty dancing Ess & sour-puss Esther could be the same – though I recalled Mary had mentioned Lady D took the young Denhams on a ski holiday last Christmas. Shed stepped into the hallway – but her voice stayed at that upper-class level that assumes that servants – & others of that ilk – like me & the Parkers – are – or better had be – stone deaf. So we heard her quite clearly saying – no – not in the least inconvenient – no – a social call merely – in the circumstances you might call it a sick visit – an irksome duty – but a duty nevertheless – as you of all people will understand – Aunt Daphne. Five minutes – scarcely that –
Tom meanwhile had asked Sir Teddy how work was going – & the bart pulled a face – & said – lets just say I hope Aunt Daph doesnt serve up pork for lunch – again! –
I said – do you have much actual contact with the pigs? –
– indeed – he said ruefully – from first squeak to final freeze-pack – I oversee quality control –
This was nepotism – Yorkshire style! – I thought.
Then Mary said – I wish theyd put someone in charge of odour control too –
Teddy smiled sadly – & said – you should try living out at Denham Park Mary –
From the doorway Esher said – Teddy – we have to go – Aunt Daphne has some family matter shed like to discuss with us –
Very peremptory – sweetness soured – light switched off – normal service resumed.
– whats the panic – Ess – said Teddy – glancing at his flashy Rolex – we arent due there for ninety minutes –
There! Hed called her Ess! Short for Esther – which is one of those names that really need shortening! It had to be her – tho the resemblance had faded as she was now back in sour-puss mode. But if – as I recall G saying – Emil was just a poor student – then that would explain why they were meeting in the Bengel-bar – where there was no chance of running into Lady D or her chums – who were probably drinking over at Klosters – with Big Ears & his tribe of Noddies.
– so why cant she just talk to us over lunch? – Teddy concluded.
– in front of Clara? – said Esther.
She spoke the name like it was a nasty taste.
– Claras family too – said Ted – winning a Heywood Brownie point.
– not our family – & besides the legless wonders going to be there too –
I saw Tom & Mary exchange disapproving glances – but neither spoke.
– is he? Whys that? – asked Teddy frowning.
– he seems to amuse her – & he doesnt eat much – look – Im off – you can follow whenever you find the strength to drag yourself away –
She nodded at the Parkers – didnt even glance at me – & span on her heel – very tall sharp heel it was – she knows how to dress – must run in the family – the bart looked a real dish in his leathers – & I could imagine him peeling them – James Bond-like – to reveal an … … immaculate dj! (Got you going there!)
Disappointingly – despite his protests – Teddy didnt have much trouble dragging himself away – tho he did gabble a rueful apology before heading after the Ice Queen.
As he left – Tom said to me – come on Charley – time to finish our tour –
When Tom decides something – its instant action! – & we were out of the house in time to see Esther climbing behind the wheel of a Range Rover – what else? – pretty ancient – but the landed gentry probably regard new RRs like new Barbours – as evidence of arrivisme. Ted – by contrast – was straddling a new looking Buell Lightning – in midnight black – with the words Sexy Beast scrawled across the tank in silver. Narcissism? I wondered. Or a gift from an admirer …?
As they processed at speed down the drive – I said – thought Mary said they were a bit strapped for cash – no wonder if they spend it on 7k mo-bikes! –
– as much as that? – said Tom – well – he really was lucky then – Ted didnt buy it – won it in a charity lottery – cast your bread upon waters – eh Charlotte? –
Lucky old Ted – I thought. No wonder he thinks the world owes him a living!
Walking down the hill – I wondered – dead casual – if there might not seem to be some conflict between Toms eco-enthusiasm & the bloody great carbon footprints the Denhams – young & old – seemed bent on planting all over the roads of Sandytown.
– just so! – cried Tom – as if delighted by some sharp & helpful apercu – this is how I see things too. Physician – heal thyself – then pass the cure on! To convert is better than to convict – to persuade than to prescribe. We all have our complementary roles – mine I see as a gatherer – bringing together the full spectrum of ability. It did not take long – dear Charlotte – to see how useful a talent like yours – to observe & analyse – would be to our little community –
It dawned on me then that in Toms eyes I was – like Gordon Godley – an opportunity not to be missed. The bugger was trying to recruit me!
But hes such a poppet I could only feel flattered!
As we once more approached Witch Cottage – recalling the small incident yesterday – I asked how Miss Lee – the acupuncturist – got on with Lady Denham. Tom – whos clearly into universal love – said – fine – fine – But hes also into transparent honesty – & he added – there has been a small contretemps – I believe – regarding the terms of Miss Lees tenancy – but Im confident a mutually satisfactory resolution has been reached –
I said – you mean Lady D owns Witch Cottage? –
– indeed – he said – & much more besides – the Breretons were substantial property owners in the town – & Hog Hollis – Lady Ds first – rarely missed an opportunity to invest in bricks & mortar –
Id have liked to hear more – but realized I was only going to get a sanitized version of any unpleasantness from Tom – & made a note to bring the matter up with that young mistress of unsanitized versions – Minnie!
At the cottage – after a little delay – Miss Lee answered Toms knock. I was introduced – briefly. She did a little Chinese bob thing – like Pitti-Sing in the musical. She was wearing a sort of kimono – but close up her face looked a lot less oriental – more plastic than porcelain – & Id say the almond blossom complexion comes out of a jar. Her voice was pretty neutral – very precise – with the occasional Yorkshire vowel suggesting shed been around the county for some time.
She had a patient – she explained – but would join us shortly. We were standing in a narrow passage with a steep staircase up to the first floor – & 2 doors to the right – & another at the far end – open to reveal a kitchen. Miss Lee slipped through the first door – presumably not wanting us to see some poor devil stuck with needles like a hedgehog! – & Tom led me through the next door – clearly very much at home.
I found myself wondering – this alternative medicine thing – does he try them all?